Susan Boyle is hot right now. I got to get her on a track, for real. We’d make a hit… Everyone is talking about her, the lady from Britain’s Got Talent… She’s got an amazing voice, and together we’d get everyone dancing. I’m always looking to do something new and she’s cool, so I’ll ask somebody to let her know… I’d love to take her clubbing, show her around my world. She’d have a great time.”

-50 Cent, The Mirror

I would hope he’s joking, but knowing 50 Cent and his propensity to scheme, I’d bet he’s dead-ass serious. Given the sales disappointment—by 50 Cent standards, mind you—that Before I Self Destruct has become, I’m sure 50’s looking for the next musical gimmick that will magically restore him to Soundscan prominence. However, he’s already proven that music doesn’t work that way. Dare I say 50’s incessant extramusical distractions have proven harmful to his career as a musician? I dare indeed.

[Blogger's Note: Extramusical is a made-up word. Do not use it.]

So Susan Boyle’s new album is selling like it’s the antidote. I find it incredible that her sales figures (pron: heat, hotness) are all that matter to someone as business savvy as 50 Cent. Has he taken into consideration that Boyle has sold so many records because her fan base is older? How about that these older people with disposable incomes aren’t 50 Cent fans and will never be? Did Mr. Cent ponder that he, Boyle or both would sound absolutely ridiculous on a record intent on getting “everyone dancing?” No, that’s not a good ridiculous. Combine these questions with the notion that even 50 Cent fans aren’t fans like they used to be—and, they don’t listen to Susan Boyle. You’ll find that Boyle has nothing to gain from a 50 Cent collaboration, despite what the gossip column hoes may have to say.

The Mirror writers discuss 50 Cent’s “fab” new album and how collaborating with 50 would be “a coup” for Boyle. I mean, not that she’d ever do the shit, but collaborating with 50 Cent on any level would be a coup d’etat on her life and career. She’d Jean Bertrand Aristide her whole shit fucking around with 50. That’s to say, she’d have to be extracted from the ensuing volatility.

Let's say the entire world, including Boyle's handlers, got Urkeled up and a 50 Cent-Susan Boyle club effort gets recorded. What’s 50 gonna do after the track is done? Take her coat shopping? Slap her around on the hood of a Cadillac for the next Pimpin’ Curly video? Make a stink at the conservatory where her closest genre-specific competitor is performing?

[Blogger's Note: I have a long, awkward history with performances at conservatories. Most such experience involve coons of the highest order.]

50 Cent is an attention whore. Even with columns such as this one, we’re feeding the pop-eyed monster. Boyle, however, already somewhat regrets having shared her talent with the world. She hasn’t been a professional musician for an entire calendar year, yet gossipy bitches are already all up in her books just for the sake of knowing what she’s making. Granted, some niggas think it’s a good thing to publicize one’s salary (pron: most recent purchase). So, that one may fall on deaf ears. Let it be known that I’m only talking to the readers with self-respect at this point. Niggas who enjoy the bullshit saturating the music industry need to find another column.

Oh, yeah. And, I’m a warrior. So, let that be known.

I digress. Forgive me. Taking Susan Boyle to da club would send her anxiety disorder into overdrive. She’d have a fucking heart attack and die of accidental overdose from obnoxious music, lights, drinks and groupie bitches of all types. Sadly enough, the footage of Boyle’s shock-related death hanging out with 50 Cent would just be top banner fodder for

Couldn’t you see the WSHH headline now?

Shook!: Susin Boil (From The England American Idle) Dieing In Da Club When 50 Cent Go Ham On The Bar Tender [Full 40 Minute Dieing Footage]

Questions? Comments? Requests? Pimpin’ Curly Need A New Bitch, Mayne?