I’m a fan of Tumblr. Some of the good folks over there participate in something called TMI Tuesdays. I prefer topless Tuesdays (or topless every days) but whatever. I decided I’d waste use today's entry to say “too much.” TMI is usually some disgusting shit you didn’t want to know at all. I’m going to make this a little more interesting. How, you ask? With some TOUR STORIES!!!

**Confetti falls from the ceiling as the TMI comes from behind a moving wall like on the Price is Right**

There have been some pretty damn interesting tour stories and this one is about strippers, pimps, and drugs. Yes, the same guy that wrote “Fancy Nancy” has been around some crazy stuff.

Everything from this point on is the god’s honest truth. We almost get shot by some pimps… in Vancouver, Canada of all places. On the same trip, we almost witnessed a lesbian coke orgy… in Canada.

Damn, Canada is wild!

I do NOT condone that type (or any other kind) of drug use, but I will tell this story. It involves four girls high out of their minds on a bed (fully dressed but seconds away from not being), a few drunk-only rappers (fully dressed and standing/watching), a hotel sink that one of the girls licked coke residue off of (disgusting), and the Canadian police.

Oh, yeah, the cops showed up.

We didn’t have the drugs because we don’t do that…we drink. The cops just came and took the girls, and we kept drinking. Hahaha. Looking back at it, we could have absolutely been fucked up in the game just being in that room that night but dumb shit happens.

Sometimes, it happens twice.

Yeah, this shit happened AGAIN, but this time in the States. Some skrippas came to our show and after we performed I guess they decided to “perform” too. They started basically showing off in the club and dancing/skripping. The club was closing down so they were like, “Hey, let's all go to so-and-so’s apartment, they have a pole!” This turned into a caravan of skrippas, rappers, and like four cars full of dudes that were at the show following us.

Everything was straight until the lead strippermobile started swerving like crazy about two miles in to wherever it was they were leading all of us. Me and the guys were in our car saying to ourselves, “Alright now, this is probably dumb but whatever is going on is going to make for a great story!”

So they pull over and… Oh, by the way, these weren’t some Lil' Jon video type strippers, no, they were like Howard Stern implant strippers.

Anyway, one of them jumps out and vomits. WTF! We’re confused and figure it’s because she drank too much. Turns out they were in the car getting high on that shit.


I know that stuff is around at smaller town rap shows but I don’t even want to be around it. So we spin off and just go back to the La Quinta. If you smoke weed—whatever, but don’t do that other shit around me no more. Even IF you and your girls start making out until the Canadian police show up.

I don’t even like skrippas, anyway. I've only had bad experiences. When I was 21 and old enough to get in to those clubs we went straight to the ‘hood spot. We were 21 rocking throwbacks, jewelry, and foamposites in Brownsville at 2 in the morning. I never was aroused in a strip club (TMI Tuesday Daily Double! **jeopardy music**) because there’s nothing sexy about spending all my money while a sweaty naked chick pretends to like me. The most amusing thing I ever was seeing a chick Harlem shake naked to “You're The Man” by Nas.

Look at those boobs go.

Ever seen freely moving breasts while their owner did the Harlem shake? It's like watching that plastic bag from American Beauty. This spot was SO HOOD. They used to play the whole Stillmatic. Not Luke, no actual strip club music, but Stillmatic. I got a lap dance to “Ether.” WTF?!?!!? It feels weird to be only 28 yet be able to say those days are behind me.

Anyway, sometimes you have to choose the adventure door for the sake of the story. That is my TMI Tuesday. At least, what I don’t mind mentioning. You guys got any embarrassing stories you’d like to share for TMI Tuesdays?

**Sits back and waits for my girlfriend to call*

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