Fuck a low-speed chase. Lil' K-Mass gets it in like the newest Grand Theft Auto game.

I found out about this crazy-ass story from my favorite light-skinted R. Kelly interviewer on Twutter. That's right. Not "Twitter" but "Twutter", as Charles Barkley would say.

According to the New York Post, the most reputable and ethically sound print publication known to man, former Motown top brass Kedar Massenburg was wylin the fuck out at B.B. King's Blues Club & Grill in Times Square this past Monday night. At first I wondered why Massenburg would choose such a popular, police saturated venue to crack a bottle over a police officer's head and steal his badge. Then I looked up the overpriced restaurant/club's event schedule. All this crazy shit went down at a Joe & Chico Debarge show, which not only explains why Massenburg was there, but what likely sparked the lapse in judgment leading to such an epic fail.

I know how cops can be, especially Jersey cops. Everything you may have heard about them niggas is true. "How to Racially Profile and Open Fire on School Kids Like a Scared Fucking Rabbit" is a real chapter in all of their rookie handbooks. If a nigga's ripped from K'orus wine, he might recognize this much in a fucked up subconscious way. But there's still no excuse to act an ass like this in the middle of fucking B.B. King's. I go there and drop a good bill whenever Bone Thugs -N- Harmony plays New York. For my $150 I couldn't feel safer, despite already having been robbed after passing through the metal detector.

Chico must have put a little El Debarge in a glass of that nasty-ass wine Massenburg's been trying to hock like the new Armadale. Not only is a sprinkle of the nieve probably necessary to mask the Manischewitz-meets-grape Kool-Aid flavor, but why else would you go Captain Caveman on a nigga in public like that... then swipe his badge and run after he identifies himself as an off-duty police officer?

[Blogger's Note: He doesn't usually do blow. But when he does, he prefers El Debarge.]

You'd have to just know you done fucked up, right? I guess not when you're fuckin with that DeBarge, which apparently is Puerto Rican for "This coke might actually have some heroin in it." No guarantees though.

[Blogger's Note: Kinda like how "Foster's" is Australian for beer.]

Hopefully Massenburg used a K'orus wine bottle and the whole Steve Stouting was captured on film. That security footage is all the viral video promotion a fledgling [purple?] label needs.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Working at Motown would probably have driven you batshit crazy too. ron@ronmexicocity.com

*sips* Ahhhhh. 2009. It's a good year!