Okay. So it's Nas AND the President's fault Soulja Boy's going triple plastic this time around?

“See how George Bush fucked up America? Same way what Nas did with Hip-Hop.”Soulja Boy Tellem, S.O.D. Money Gang Roundtable Vlog, Pt. 1 via WSHH

The quote above is just one of several bass ackward, ass-ignorant assertions made by hip-hop’s “Kang of the Internet.”

[Blogger’s Note: Sorry, Puffy.]

Soulja Boy’s clearly been reading the color-by-number edition of The Secret. Hip-hop’s favorite misguided youth is partly correct regarding the notion of accomplishment beginning with belief and perhaps vocal recognition. You’ve got to visualize your goal before you can make it into a reality. I’m pretty sure in 2005 or so, SB wanted nothing more than to be eating takeout catfish and chips with a table full of yes boys in a big ass house with ice and tattoos and shit.

Here he is... For now.

When the rapster checks stop coming in and the Charles Hamilton beef results in a disappointing 40-unit sales spike, I guess it’s time to turn the camera on and let loose on a bigger target. Fortunately for SB, Nas would never stoop so low as to etherize a child. (Though, being that Nas loves the word “coon” more than I do, that shit would probably be fucking hilarious.)

When Soulja finally got to the part where he blames Nas for no one having enjoyed such horrendous showering monkey anthems as “Turn My Swag Onnnnnnn” and “Berrrrd Wawlk,” I had a Training Day Denzel moment.

“You disloyal, bitchmade fool-ass nigga!”

Let me preface all of this by reminding Soulja Boy and those like him that Nas is one of those early-nineties pioneers that cemented hip-hop’s place in the mainstream. In doing so, he played a major role in providing opportunity for the kind of slave who wouldn’t leave the plantation even if freed to babble about sneakers and magically-delicious blood diamonds and shit. I’m sure that’s not what he had in mind, but still—he did that for you.

Well, Nas and the slave masters. Let’s not forget the slave masters’ contributions.

As far as SB’s interpretation of The Secret goes, no one believed Ice T when he said SB killed hip-hop. Ice was vocal than a motherfucker, yet most blogs sided with Tellem. I ruled their beef a draw and suggested they take ten paces, turn and throw spent condoms at Coco’s ass--but that's just me. Soulja must be one of them niggas who believes that if he turns the bathroom light out and says “Biggie Smalls” in the mirror a few times, he’ll get shot by a gangsta rapper.

Which would be fucking AWESOME!!!

[Blogger's Note: He already looks like Plaxico, jr. Why not stunt like his daddy?]

I believe Parlae of Dem Franchize Boyz said he’d end Lil Wayne’s career in battle. I don’t think anyone took that shit seriously. Now he’s burning hunnid stacks for warmth while Lil Wayne is the biggest rap star on the planet.

Eli Porter said he "da bess!" There’s not a living soul who has seen his battle with Envy and believes as much, despite dude having perhaps the world’s greatest front-tuck.

On the other side of the schilling, our “Kang of the Internet” has arguably been the year’s most vocal rapster. WHY?! He says it today, but there wouldn’t be much argument if he seriously staked such a claim. WHY?! He's not “Kang of the Internets” because he said he is. WHY?! He’s “Kang” because he went out there and made it fucking happen with dozens of cinematic embarrassments and triumphant witty retorts alike. Unfortunately for him—and hilarious for us--he’s only sold about 37 copies of iSouljaBoy to date.


I almost died when Soulja threwXBOX is Dead” out there. That nigga better be careful with his examples and analogies. I’m pretty sure that’s his worst nightmare come true. I’m surprised he said it aloud. He prolly shoulda thunk on that a little more. I’m about ready to toss Sonic Unleashed out the window right now.

[Blogger’s Note: Sonic Unleashed is NOT the new Charles Hamilton album. I promise. You could see the horror on Arab’s face. “Noooo! XBOX ain’t deeead! Don’t say shit like that! *sniffle*”]

The ceiling of such offhand verbal influence as that to which Soulja Boy refers is proportionate with the influence of the speaker. However, rarely are the two commensurate. At the end of the day, dude’s just an entertainer. People respect Nas, but he hasn’t inspired anyone to do anything they otherwise wouldn’t in a long-ass time. With that said, were iSouljaBoy, [see what I did there?] I’d be worried about my own waning influence.  The yes boys are here now, but when dude has to go on VH1 and do Soulja of Love in a couple of years, Arab and them won’t be around.

They’re chilling now, so long as the fish and chips keep coming. They’ll finally split for good when they realize they can live off Beefaroni on their own without having to lick any baboon balls. That day may not be too damn far away as Arab’s already had to sell his hair. Note V.I.C., the only member of Shitty Money Gang to have a legitimate hit record since 2007, is nowhere to be found.

His niggas in the back and they rollin up a Phillayyyyy.

Negro, please. Nas hasn’t killed anything but Jay-Z (on record). Niggas don’t think hip-hop is dead because of a Nas album title. They been sayin that shit. That Magic School Bus edition MacBook is the gateway to all the information in the world. It’s useful for far more than bookmarking WorldStarHipHop and the fucking hoodie store.

Soulja Boy need stick to choreographing juvenile dance routines as opposed to--er, umm--round table discussions.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Gettin silly? ron@ronmexicocity.com

P.S.: Anyone else excited that this very well be the last time we ever have to address Soulja Boy?

P.P.S.: Anyone else see the irony in Soulja Boy's laptop looking like a school bus?