Angel Haze On New Music: “This Is Really All I Live For”

Angel Haze is not the girl you think she is. In fact, she's not a girl at all. Instead, the Detroit-born MC identifies as agender, meaning neither masculine or feminine, and stresses that pronouns like "he" and "she" not be used. Like the grunge-meets-Eazy-E inspired fashion sense or agile, militant new lyrical prowess the MC possesses, it's just one more way Haze defies every simple box and genre.

After leaking debut album, Dirty Gold, online directly to fans—despite the protests of label Republic—in 2013, the former XXL Freshman cut ties with the label, shut out the world and went back to the drawing board to figure out who and what the Brooklyn resident wants.

Coming off an electric first-time show at Brooklyn's Prospect Park Bandshell, XXL caught up with Haze just as the rapper returned backstage sweaty, exhilarated and satisfied with the crowd's response. It's the first time in a while the MC has felt this way.

"We were moshing in there and I didn’t get hit once," said Haze, still out of breath. "I think that’s how music works out; it’s a safe place for me."

It's this sense of audible sanctity that Haze is ready and willing to fight for. In discussing everything from creative freedom to police brutality to depression, Haze is candid and steadfast in those convictions particularly on the smart and deep new single "Impossible." Now, after taking a break before returning with a new EP titled Back To The Woods dropping in early fall, Haze is ready to spread this new message like wildfire. Hear Angel Haze's battle cry. —Sidney Madden

XXL: Congrats on a dope show.
Angel Haze: Thank you. I didn’t expect that shit from New York, you know? It's like, I always felt like I belong more overseas, you know? 'Cause how my label was set up, I was split overseas across and I just spent so much time over there I was like, "Yo, America don’t fuck with me." But Brooklyn really fucks with me. It’s cool.

Tell me a little bit more about your mind state coming off such a great show like that.
Oh man, I’m a little confused, you know? Because I think it’s different when you’re in your head and you’re like, “Yeah, I’m an artist, I do the artist thing," where I’m so nervous to look up 'cause I feel like they can really see me, you know? But being exposed and being vulnerable in that crowd is the safest thing ever. We were moshing in there and I didn’t get hit once. I think that’s how music works out; it’s a safe place for me. So I feel like I’m made of iron right now. So it was cool. I liked it a lot.

And that was the first time you performed “Impossible” live?
The first time! Fuck, that was crazy for it being the first time. If I don’t have that reaction everywhere I go I will be really disappointed. I’ll probably have to fight somebody, that angry.

Talk to me a little bit about where your headspace is with your music.
My music... Well, with me it’s different because I have such a wild soul naturally that people see a fire and they love it. You know, you love to look at a fire when it burns in a candle, not when it combusts and takes over your whole house. So with me it’s always someone trying to keep the flame down, like, “You need to chill, chill, chill.” And I honestly went a little bit crazy, because I was like, “What do I need to chill for?” Like, why am I not allowed the full freedom to express myself? The furthest extent of who I am? I think people feel so caged sometimes because they let people tell them no. It’s like a balloon keeps floating away and you keep grabbing the string and not letting it go where it wants. And I had to cut everything off.

So I spent four or five months in a penthouse in L.A. I didn’t go outside. People thought I was weird as fuck. I remember my manager came to me, he flies in and it’s the first time he’s seen me in five months and he’s like, “Play me the record.” So I play it for him and he’s like, “I literally thought you were here doing drugs and making soul trap." I was like, “Soul trap? Don’t disrespect me, you asshole.” But that’s what I mean; when I was away and I was locked in my apartment, it was the only time I knew who I was, because I didn’t have anyone else’s opinions in my ear. My record now, if I put on a song for you and you close your eyes, you’d still feel me sitting here because my soul is in that shit. And if you listen to some of the stuff I’ve done before, I was young. I was learning and figuring it out and thus being influenced by a lot of the wrong people.

But when you take away everyone, I realized no one knows who the fuck I am. So it’s my job and my responsibility to be clear about who I am for myself, because no one knows you except for you. And so my brain is completely in my music. My soul, my heart is in it; I don’t have anything else. I’m not in love, I’m not in a relationship. I don’t have a relationship with my family, I never had one. So this is really all I live for. So you can tell that I’m not overcompensating.

Just to backtrack, you’re referencing Dirty Gold?
Yeah, Dirty Gold. But that’s not my record.

What have you learned from the experience of working with a big label and not being able to have the creative freedom in the way you put things out?
I just learned to note. I’m 23 now, I just turned 23.

Happy belated!
Thank you. Yeah, I started when I was 20 and I was young. And when you’re young you just don’t want to make the wrong mistakes and the wrong choices, so what people say about you means a lot. And what I learned from Dirty Gold was that I gotta care about something. I didn’t care about myself back then. I didn’t say no. I was just like, “Again? I gotta do this. I gotta do that. I gotta be White for this person." They tell me, “Remember, you went to college, act like you have a passing fucking knowledge of the English language.” And I want to say what I want to say and I want to do what I want. So dealing with that so off and on—and I deal with suicide a lot—but dealing with that, it was just like, Yo, if you don’t know who you are, you’re a pile of clay for everybody. And eventually it gets so hard that there’s nothing to make of it. You’re just something everyone’s had their hands on and thrown away.

I started acting and I had an acting coach tell me, “You’re not a fixed variable.” And that was the best thing I ever learned. You’re always evolving and changing and growing, so you can’t be broken. And you can’t be fixed, you can only go forward. So that’s what it taught me. So, I’m going forward, my best foot forward because I might need it to kick someone in the ass with.

So, if you’re never a fixed variable and you’re always changing, who would you say you are right now for the new EP you’re about to release?
Oh man. Wow. I got into art. I started painting and acting. There’s a lot of shit I didn’t know I could do because I grew up in a three-person struggle. It was just me, my mom and my brother. And she told me not to do music. She told me to stay home and do YouTube videos because that’s what I was good at. Going forward and being like, “Naw, fuck that,” I’m just finding I got a brain that just goes forever. I understand the world from an angle that most people don’t get. For instance, I’m learning to trust my instincts; like, if I don’t look at you I can see who you really are, you know what I’m saying? I can tell you what color you are, what you remind me of, types of shit like that. Because I’ve spent a lot of time by myself developing that. But like, I’m an artist. That’s all I am, that’s all I can be. And it’s not like, “Oh, I’m Picasso and I’m the best at everything.” But I picked up a paintbrush, I picked up a microphone and I started to learn how to use it and that’s what I’m doing. I’m trying to master that, because it’s the only thing I have to give to this world.

It’s art and a direction and an inspiration, because look at those kids out there. They’re lost. I’m lost as fuck, but I’m blessed with the ability to see in other worlds and understand shit that other people don’t. I think artists are angels, because we drive the world. Think about how much people need music every day when they wake up. Think about how much they need art, entertainment. If we didn’t have it, we’d probably be still carving pictures in caves with our non-opposable thumbs. So it’s our responsibility to move the world forward. So that’s what I am: I’m an artist. And I’m trying to make it forward and I’m trying to make myself feel like I have something to live for.

With your new record, “Impossible,” you’ve got some politically-driven lines in there.
Yeah—why not? Somebody’s gotta say something. I watched the Dave Chapelle skit where he’s like, “You’ll never hear on the radio, ‘I’m down to run up in the White House and shoot a couple crackers',” and my brother's like, “Wait until people hear 'Impossible'.” Like, hey it happens, I don’t think of it as a general thing. I have lots of White friends, but they’re only my friends because they know they’re wrong, you know what I’m saying? And they’re making a step towards making things right.

That’s a bold statement.
That’s the truth. I can’t be friends with people who are blind to what’s going on in the world. You have to surround yourself with people who want to take a step forward in the world. I’m not saying White people are backward or whatever, but a lot of them aren’t aware of [what] racism really is and how it’s perpetuated in America. So if I’m going to call you my friend and I have the knowledge I have, I’m not going to chill with no dummies. You’re not my homie, you’re an idiot and we need to fix you or you need to get the fuck away from me. That’s just how it works.

When I say in my song, “I’ve got my middle finger up to White America for trying to Whitewash my Blackness,” that’s about the world, that’s about my industry, that’s about what I went through these past two years. You can’t look online and see Angel Haze and see this person. I was like Aaliyah before; I was the Black Haley Williams the next day. And now you see me and I think that’s dope and I feel like a lot of shit needs to be acknowledged.

My record, it sounds like a war. And I can’t wait for it to drop because these are viewpoints that mad other people have. And think about Martin Luther King. He had a dream. He ain’t have a dream we’d be here in the same fucking place. And we have so much internalized shit that I feel like it’s good that I can say, “Young Black kids, you have an emotional spectrum that’s beyond your knowledge because you weren’t allowed access to it. You were never taught you could be anything other than young, Black and angry.” It’s like you can’t go to the store and get Skittles, you might be young, Black and dead. We have to protect each other. We’re not protected from anywhere else, but they want to turn us against each other. But I love you. Not just because you’re a person, but because you need it. We have to band together, you know what I’m saying?

Have there been any cases of police brutality that inspire your music, something like Sandra Bland’s case?
Oh yeah, definitely. Sandra Bland, what happened to her is awful. Thinking about that makes me nauseous, like reading all the facts and stuff. Mike Brown, too. I think it’s everything. You see on the media, the headlines that say—what’s that White kid’s name who shot up the church?

Dylann Roof.
You know his name. Why do we know his name? Some people still call Trayvon Martin "The Black kid with the hood." I mean... I got a lot of thoughts about a lot of things, but I think right now, it’s about creating a safe space and an understanding that we can be more and no one can stop us. We built this fucking world.

So how is this project your safe space?
Well, it’s called Back To The Woods. When I was a kid, I grew up homeless a lot. I didn’t have a home that belonged to me until I was about 17, and it was located in Virginia in the middle of these woods. And my mom, she used to get really pissed off at me. There’s one instance in particular when I wanted to go to New York and pursue my shit and she basically told me, “Take off everything I bought you and get the fuck out.” So I was in the woods naked and I slept there. It’s the only place in my life I’ve ever felt entirely safe. Like I belonged there.

The woods, yo, it protects you and it nurtures you and it provides for you in ways that people can’t. I’ve lost myself there, but I’ve found pieces of myself. I cried. I never cry in front of anyone; I never cry until I hit the trees, you know? I was supposed to do a show in Sweden and I was basically stuck in Virginia because I hadn’t been back since I was 19, 20, and I went to the woods and I just lost it. I had like a proper meltdown. It’s the only time I feel like I’ve been purified. And I miss being able to be honest with myself in that way where I don’t worry about who I’m inconveniencing with my emotions. The woods is that place for me. So, that’s why I called it Back To The Woods, because now my music is about how I feel, about how I am actually and what I’m letting go and nobody can take that shit from you once you find it. That's what the record's about.

I’ve been mentoring young kids, artists in L.A. and I’m always like, “Don’t lose your soul because it takes so long to get back to that shit. Once you’ve lost it you got go on that whole journey and see everything you didn’t see before and learn." Learning is exhausting because it can break your fucking brain and your pride and everything. But I had to go back there just to empty myself out.

When I think about myself in 10 years, I’m living in a log cabin in the middle of those woods writing books and shit. There’s so many people inside of me that need nurturing. It has to be just me, myself, in a safe space. Because I don’t trust anyone else.