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Okay children, you're going to have to pardon my French this week, but there's a lot of bullshit floating around this worldwide web thingamjig. Bullshit websites, corny-ass bloggers, fake "journalists," creepy-crawly cowards who think they can hide behind the anonymity of an IP address—you know, the usual.

But still. They say a closed mouth don't get fed. And I'm in the mood to eat faces. So faces will get eaten. (No something?)

Now, I'm under no illusion that my diatribes will make men out of you children or stop the poseurs from being poseurs. I'm just figuring to get this shit off my chest before I do something that has me eating dry cheese and white bread sandwiches until I get a chance to speak to Your Honor. And I hate white bread. Seriously. That shit's not fit for human consumption.

But, before we get into all that, I must continue with my (self-)righteous boycott of Jive Records and the Apartheid regime they rode in on.

Yeah. Fuck Jive Records. Standard.

Now, because most of you children think you know everything but really know nothing, I'll have to explain some realities of the big bad music industry to you. Being fair and balanced, a la FOX News, Jive's position is that the "Mr. Me Too" single is not taking off in the way they feel it needs to in order to release an album that will sell amongst people that don't spend most of their waking time commenting on websites. My position is that record companies make people like shit they don't like as a practice, word to Yung Joc. And if Mike Shinoda's non-rapping ass can be force-fed to the Spring Break-loving masses, so can the Clipse. At any rate, the space monkeys at Jive have decided to either: 1) wait for Zeus to descend from Olympus and pull the single up the charts; or 2) drop the album with the all-important second single.

Funny thing about that second single.

I'm not one to tell tales out of school and the cease and desist requests are flying about at a furious pace, so I'll just say you have to ask [CEASE & DESIST] what's going on. Or [CEASE & DESIST]. Or maybe [CEASE & DESIST]. But not [CEASE & DESIST]. He just did the hook.

Some would say (and have said) that someone with the initials [CEASE & DESIST] (who is not down with the LOX) is fucking over his lifelong homies. Some would suggest (and have suggested) that the time for talk is over and someone needs to be dangled from a balcony. I, for one, think that violence solves nothing and only gains you lodging in a room with criminals eating nutrient-deficient sandwiches that come in cheap plastic wrap.

Anyhoo, as you can see from the above list, boycotting Jive is going to be easier than we thought. I mean, seriously, if, after hearing those three "singles," you're still excited about that new OutKast record, you're beyond anywhere that my words can reach. And, of those of you remaining, the majority obviously doesn't know how to read. Obviously.

Shit. This may be hard after all.

Let me make it simple. It's common knowledge that every record that comes out in the stores comes out on les internetes a good week prior to its official release date. Rumor has it that some people even download this stuff without paying for it. Well, I'll be investigating this phenomenon and posting my findings right here on these pages.

Oh, look: You can download the new Justin Timberlake record here and here.

Fuck Jive.

P.S.— Feel free to send in your UserCash links. If that Clipse record's not out by Halloween, I'll be investigating Jive's back catalog as well and somebody should get paid off all this.

TMW: Clyde Smith, who's rumored to be a woman, needs to sit down and shut the fuck up.