Send For The Royal Fool

I give up. I’ll admit it: Tom Cruise is crazy. And on drugs.(a)

Now, many of you may have bailed on Tom a while back due to his “religious” beliefs, but as far as I’m concerned, on the scale of sheer stupidity and suspension of common sense:

Believing in a virgin birth > A secret alien plot to take over the world.

Sure, he jumped on the couch with Oprah, but guess what: if I were to ever be on Oprah, I’d jump on the cuffin’ couch, too. She may cater to old whyte women, but they’re gullible old whyte women with too much time on their hands and disposable income. That, children, is what is known in some circles as a target demographic for young Black men.

Sure, he said psychiatry was full of shiite. That makes him two-for-two in my book.

And, for the hat trick, he was shtupping Nicole Kidman(b). If you’re in the market for whyte meat, you could do a lot worse than Nicky K. Word to Byron “Lord of the Flies” Crawford.

But dude has lost it. Yesterday was one of the rare instances that I actually turn on my television and I was blessed with a re-run of the jizzfest that is BET’s 106 & Park. They were doing it big(c) in Harlem. Marsellus Wallace was on there, eating food from a picnic plate like a good, hungry Negro should whenever free food is available. (Wallace also bigged up Harlem, claiming to have been born mere blocks from the set of Killa Season, or something like that.) Morpheus was on there, as well, repping Brooklyn, which he referred to as “Harlem South” (d). And there was Tom Cruise. On drugs. (a)

You can check out his shenanigans via the communist manifestation that is YouTube for more proof.

Free and clear, my eye. I’ve done enough drugs to know when someone’s skied out, children.

This begs the question: Has this whole Southern hip-hop thing finally gone too far?

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(a) My legal team has advised me to inform you that, having never sold drugs to Tom Cruise, there is little way to verify this statement.

(b) Vito Spatafore or not, you think Nicky stayed with him all that time without getting broken off?

(c) As the overweight DJ’s say.

(d) I have never heard this designation. Must be a reference to Assault on Precinct 13. Must.