The New York Times has this policy where you have to have at least three hardly related observations in order to declare something a trend. But guess what, bitches? This ain’t the New York Times.
In the past 24 hours, I’ve heard about two different failed rappers trying to get people to buy them alcohol, and I figured that ought to count for something. If I wanted to, I could probably find you another example of a rapper using his minor celebrity for the purposes of getting his drank on, even if I had to DM one of these clowns from the guest list blog on Twitter.
Speaking of Twitter, I read yesterday that Jean Grae has been using a site called Twitpay to try to get people to send her money so she can buy some Vodka. The way it works is, you go to this site Twitpay, you enter a person’s username on Twitter and a dollar amount, and it sends the person that much money via PayPal, probably minus the typical (i.e. ridonkulous) PayPal fee. There’s probably a second screen where you have to enter your credit card information. I didn’t get that far, even though I am thinking about sending Jean Grae some money to buy some Vodka.
I’m just concerned that she might not use my money to buy Vodka. I’d hate to send her some money and find out she used it to buy some food for her kids. There’s a field in the Twitpay form where you can enter the reason you’re sending the money, but there isn’t a field where you can stipulate the consequences, if the money isn’t used for the reason you sent it. And it’s not like you could just take someone to court because you sent them money to buy some vodka and they used it to feed hungry children. I’d try, but I’d probably just get laughed right out of court. You know how these judges like to legislate from the bench.
The only foolproof way to know an artist is killing brain cells on your dime is to hand him the alcohol in person. You wouldn’t have any choice in the matter if you booked Coolio to play a show, since a bottle of Patron is part of his fee. I read just now, on the same site where I read about Jean Grae (obviously I don’t follow Jean Grae on Twiiter), that Coolio is out here doing shows for $3,000, a bucket of chicken, and a bottle of Patron – you know, that same shit Soulja Boy gave one of his weed carriers $1,000 to down a bottle of.
I was looking for the video of that, just now, for old times’ sake (no Freddie Jackson), and I found a video of some guy in a liquor store parking lot doing the exact same thing. And then the related videos section was full of clips of people taking Patron to the head. I’d try it myself, but I don’t want to be the first person to die imitating a Soulja Boy YouTube video. My mom would be so embarrassed. Of course, I’ve downed a bottle of Tequila during the course of an evening – it’s part of the reason why I’m here today. And I figure I’m about twice as big as the other guy’s I’ve seen do it. The thing is, I’m not out here trying to impress anyone. I drink to get intoxicated. Fuck YouTube.
But I digress.
Thing that surprised me about Coolio was not so much the fact that he can be plied with fried chicken and alcohol that comes in a shiny container. He is black, after all. But I’m surprised that he only makes $3,000 a show. It might take having been in the 8th grade circa 94-95 to understand this, but Coolio was fucking huge back in the day. And now he’s out here dancing for chicken, just like that guy Adisa Banjoko accused me of. If I had a job that paid a living wage, I could probably hire Coolio to play my birthday party. I’d even save on the alcohol and the chicken, since there’d be alcohol and chicken there anyway. There’s alcohol and chicken here, even when it’s not my birthday. My house is like Ludacris’ house, minus all of the expensive shit.
It makes you wonder how much it would cost to book some of these other rappers – you know, some of these people who weren’t nearly as big as Coolio. Remember that guy Jemini the Gifted One (i.e. the funk soul sensation)? I bet you could get him for a two piece and a biscuit from Church’s and a tall boy of Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull. No fishsticks. Only thing is, you probably couldn’t get him to perform at all. Too much pride. Remember when that guy Prolyfic was on okayhater talking about how he couldn’t afford to feed his kids, because Lupe Fiasco wouldn’t let him do the beats on the Cool? Then he tried to claim he didn’t, even after several people offered to send him a care package.
I wonder if he’s on Twitter. I might have to send his kids some lunch money, for my own personal amusement.