RiFF RaFF Reviews ‘Fast & Furious 6′ For XXL

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How exactly did RiFF RaFF become XXL‘s resident movie critic? We’re not exactly sure, but we’re not complaining. The guy certainly knows a thing or two about character development. Two weeks ago, Jody gave us his thoughts on The Great Gatsby, and now he’s here to tell us about his experience seeing Fast & Furious 6, which just broke $100 million at the box office. RiFF is currently in Australia, so we shot him over some questions about the flick to figure out if it’s actually worth seeing all these guys drive around…AGAIN. Here’s what he had to say…

On what he ate during the movie:

“Sour Patch Kids until my tongue started to peel.”

On whether he gets recognized when he goes to movie theaters:

“Not with my new Michelle Kwan disguise.”

On his favorite film of the Fast & Furious series: 

“I like Part 2 becuz after Part 1 came out you never know if it’s gonna jump to 3 or just stay at 1 so when you get Part 2 then you know it’s gunna go full Twilight Saga experience.”

On his favorite part of the movie:

“The girls and the cars, and when The Rock said ‘Hey I’m bigger than Shaq now and I will eat your family dinner and body slam your Granny.’”

On his opinion of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as an actor:

“First of all let me start off by saying that I’m not homosexual. Now that that has been established, I would follow with that The Rock is still growing up. I’m convinced that Prince has silk instead of skin and The Rock gets bigger and grows another three inches every year and he has been 29 for the last eight years. I’m 98% sure that The Rock will be 17 feet and 5 inches tall and weigh 1017 lbs when he is 123 years old.”

On his dream getaway car:

“A Scusscatti. It’s like the large, abusive, older, cooler, half-mullet, five touchdowns in the first quarter, cigarette box rolled up in the sleeve, give the principal a swirly step brother of the Bugatti and it teleports to the future and broils sautéed lobster biscoyluttos in the steering wheel.”

On who’s a better actor, Ludacris or Tyrese:

“They are both millionaires. Who cares about competition?”

On whether he teared up during any moments in the film:

“No. I like to go get popcorn if a sad scene comes on and I’m feeling the old eyes start-a-drippin…the old sprinklers start smokin’…the old Windsors start cracklin’.”

On what kind of role he’d like to play in Fast & Furious 7:

“I can play a luxury exotic animal dealer who owns real estate and I’m selling luxury exotic illegal animals. Birds, neon flamingos, purple tigers, aqua lizards that breed diamonds…and I sell them for millions to the royal countries and I’m the Butterscotch Boss and I give tanicures and I’m nice to everyone and I treat my beautifull women well and buy them everything. And I buy cars from The Rock and they ask me for advice in random situations when they need an escape from the real world, but in the end I buy The Rock a Scusscatti.”

  • Zak Kulhan

    This is one the most amazing things I have ever read

  • sıʌɐят

    Beautiful. Rap game Homer. TYBG