Who would win in a fight, MC Hammer or Jay-Z?

The worst thing about “Better Run Run,” the MC Hammer-Jay-Z dis song, is that it fails to make much of a case against Jay-Z, at all. To listen to it, you’d have no idea why MC Hammer all of a sudden decided to get back into rap music, a good 15+ years after the traumatizing “Pumps in a Bump” video, just to take shots at Jay-Z, the greatest rapper of all time for people who think that “remarkable consistency” and having made the most money in sideline marketing ventures are factors that should be taken into consideration. (Say what you will about pr0n enthusiasts, you can trust that their opinion is based on one thing, and one thing only.) The only way MC Hammer would have been able to convey that the impetus to drop “Better Run Run” didn’t have anything to do with jealousy and opportunism is if he said so in a disclaimer, like the one before the “Thriller” video, in which Wacko Jacko explained that he didn’t have any belief in the occult. As if.

There’s very few lyrics in “Better Run Run,” and most of them are along the lines of, “Dude, fuck you!” And so the song would come off as a total non sequitir to anyone unfamiliar with the line MC Hammer took umbrage with in (I think) one of those Kanye West throwaway of the week songs, in which Jay-Z talked about how he could lose $30 million, like that time he bought Beyonce an entire island for her 29th (but really her 36th) B-day, and not end up having to take the late, great Gary Coleman’s old job, doing cash for gold commercials on late night basic cable, like MC Hammer. I’m not actually familiar with the song myself. (Fuck those Kanye West throwaway of the week songs.) I only know about it from having read up on it, when I heard that MC Hammer was planning to dis Jay-Z.

Which brings me to another problem I have with “Better Run Run.” Namely, who in the fuck announces that they’re planning on dropping a dis record a good month before the song actually hits the Internets? MC Hammer seemed all pissed at Jay-Z, a few weeks ago and then I didn’t hear shit about it until just now. I can understand that MC Hammer is older than a motherfucker, and just doesn’t have the same energy he used to, and hence it might take him a month to write an entire song that only consists of about 16 bars and doesn’t really say anything. His brain might be growing a thin candy shell. But why even bother announcing the dis record ahead of time, thus ruining the element of surprise? One of his kids should have pulled him aside and explained to him how this shit works.

They may have also warned him against a few lines that stuck out in my mind, but for all the wrong reasons. It wasn’t that Hammer had taken a particularly effective shot at Jay-Z, it’s that they made me wonder how much of a joke this all really is to him. Like, what would happen if MC Hammer were to run into Jay-Z, like if Hammer got a job stocking the Landshire Sandwich machine at the airport. That line where he says (and I’m paraphrasing), “I’ll take the world, and give me your girl,” came off a bit Fleece “Booty Warrior” Johnson to me. No Morehouse. His tone of voice sounded kinda rapey. Then there’s the part where he’s in a gym, swinging at a punching bag, and talking about how he’s gonna bust Jay-Z in his mouth. I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean that metaphorically. In fact, it’s not clear to me that MC Hammer is capable of forming a metaphor.

If I were Jay-Z, I’d avoid crossing paths with MC Hammer, at least until arthritis, from his running man days, finally forces him into a wheelchair – at which point I’d run up behind him and push him into somethng on GP. Hammer may have come off as a sad old man who could easily be taken out at the knees (like any man of a certain age, regardless of how strong he is), in those scenes where he’s boxing, but, lest we forget, Jay-Z is no spring chicken himself. They’re probably not so far apart in age that they couldn’t have gone to high school together. Once you get to be in your 40s, differences of a few years don’t matter as much. That’s why there’s only like three age groups in the senior Olympics, and the last one starts out at 90. MC Hammer and Jay-Z could almost certainly play in the same basketball league (and get schooled by some old white guy, Elliott Wilson-style) at the JCCA. I know Jay-Z was starting to get into Tae Bo around the time he was beefing with Nas (I think there was a documentary about it on MTV), but I’m not sure how effective those moves would be in actually kicking someone’s ass. And Jay-Z doesn’t seem to have the killer instinct necessary to put a shoe on somebody. He’s too laid back. MC Hammer, on the other hand, is like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky V, when he brother in law spent all of his money on that robot, and he had to move back into the ghetto. He could probably win a fight with an actual boxer, on the basis of sheer anger + alzheimer’s, which may or may not have the effect of making you impervious to pain, like homeboy in The Girl Who Played with Fire. I’m thinking that if it was severe enough, you’d have a hard time remembering you’re in pain. But of course that’s just speculation.

  • Ayre

    You’re up early, Bol.

  • AR-KKK-ANSAS

    “Like, what would happen if MC Hammer were to run into Jay-Z, like if Hammer got a job stocking the Landshire Sandwich machine at the airport. That line where he says (and I’m paraphrasing), “I’ll take the world, and give me your girl,” came off a bit Fleece “Booty Warrior” Johnson to me. No Morehouse. His tone of voice sounded kinda rapey”. Damn my nigg thats classic!!! lol

  • http://www.myspace.com/mchammer hammer don’t hurt em

    “I got 30 cars, hole lot of dancers
    I take them everywhere.. I’m MC Hammer
    Started selling dough, I’m too legit to quit
    When its hammer time, I’m pulling out the stick”

    • yoprince

      diamonds movin on my chest, doin’ the hammer dance
      seventy grand make my jeans sag like some hammer pants

      Old school, wanna race it? You could test it
      I’m flexin, leave a sucker eatin’ dust for breakfast
      So expect the, real unexpected
      I’m well connected
      I’m MC HAMMER, 150 on the guest list!

      GUCCI!

  • dexter

    That was one funny ass blog to a funny video man!

    The fake jay-z with the man boobs runnin’ in slowmotion! hahahahaha

    And hammer looks old and tired too, like he didn’t really want to do this…ya know – tryin’ to get al hard and angry…but funny as hell – he is an mma fighter/rapper/christian dude – that’s a crazy combo right there!

  • alderman j

    JAY WOULDNT FIGHT HIM, JAY IS A OL GREY POUPON AS NIGGA. HE WOULD SEND SECURITY OR RUN HIDE IN HIS MAYBACH OR SOMETHING, BUT THE NIGGA WOULDNT FIGHT HAMMER. WE KNOW THIS!!!!

  • alderman j

    When some get rich they loose there man hood, instead of addressing situations you just say, he is beneath me, or what can i gain from dissing him? Which really means: Im soft, i dont want none!!! PLEASE HAMMER DONT HURT HIM!!!!

  • Atlanta Is Full Of Fruits

    Atlanta Is Full Of Fruits-oh, who cares about MC Hammer? I mean for real.

  • 2clip

    bol ur a pure bitch i swear hen we meet up i’m swingin on site bitch just keep dissing the south boy ya momz should have flush you like she di your brother bitch…just know when i see you it is on

  • Jeff

    I love that you mentioned the Jay-Z Tae Bo lessons from way back

  • Buff Bagwell

    I could honestly give a fork fingered fuck about Hammertimes and Jiggaboo dissin…

    Im on the xxl.com main page today and I see some of the most fucknigga ass shit I’ve ever seen on this site, and that’s saying A LOT. Apparently this cracka ass wonderbread named Justin Beeber has a rap alias named Shawty Mane.

    THE FUCK??????

    XXL yall are promoting this shit for MTV or something? What the fuck is he, a cross between Gucci Mane and Shawty Lo? Just because he (apparently) hangs with Usher he can jock the A now? Please tell me yall put that shit up just to give a nigga a good laugh or something! I’ve never heard one of that fucktard’s pop songs but i know damn well he aint got no business tryin to rap now. Take that honky shit down now!

    *takes a piss on every (read:2) XXL magazine ever bought/stole from the store*

  • Kev

    Hammer wins by rage alone.

    Think about it: the dude has been a punchline for damn near 20 years. Since the 3rd Bass and Ice Cube disses back in ’91 when nobody had his back on them. He’s been boiling with rage about being laughed at for being wack, laughed at for the outfits, laughed at for losing all his money on dumb shit, laughed at for the Funky Headhunter record. His kids are probably embarrassed as a motherfucker of him.

    He’s going to explode. Remember on MTV that time Vanilla Ice lost his shit and destroyed the studio when they showed “Ice Ice Baby”? That would be Hammer minus the baseball bat if Jay-Z stepped to him.

  • Worley

    “at which point I’d run up behind him and push him into somethng on GP.”

    I had a good laugh at that one.

  • Tha Town

    “In fact, it’s not clear to me that MC Hammer is capable of forming a metaphor.”

    Damn that had me LMAO

  • I.N.V.

    For Real? you don’t listen to them GOOD Friday tracks but you took the time to watch MC Hammer’s diss track

    I’m guessing Nick Cannons on ya ipod aswell lol

  • that nigga

    MC Hammer would knock Jay Z THE FUCK OUT!! And thats no lie.

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