I was checking 50 Cent’s Twitter the other day (nullus) for pictures girls sent him of themselves in their underwear, if that, and it occurred to me that it’s only a matter of time until he uses the social networking site to do something that’s gonna get him in trouble.
You know how these women are. All it would take is for one of them to send him a picture of herself in her underwear, in the bathroom, with a shitty, 2003-era Motorola Razr cellphone and a trash can overflowing with spent tampons, and then turn around and get embarrassed, because she doesn’t need the rest of the world knowing she lives like that. (Couldn’t she just get a guy to buy her an iPhone? The Internets’ own Light Skinted Dame got his jumpoff to buy him an iPhone.) I’d have to check (you guys know I was pre-med), but I’m pretty sure sending 50 Cent a picture of yourself more or less naked doesn’t constitute permission for him to retweet it to his 3 million+ followers (more than 3x as many as Kanye).
However, I happen to know that that picture of the of the chick with the Razr and five and a half years worth of Tampax – probably the only really fapworthy pic Fiddy posted – wasn’t actually sent to him. It was just some shit he found on the Internets and uploaded to Twitpic, to make it seem as if some chick sent it to him. It took me a while to realize this, because you’d like to think that a guy like 50 Cent could pull trim of that caliber. I’ll probably never make $400 million, even if I live to be a thousand years old, but if I did, I’d like to think that the women I’d make sweet, passionate love to would look like the very best women from a site called Double Viking, where Fiddy may have found the pic of the chick in her bathroom.
Fiddy put out the call for chicks to send him sexy pictures of themselves, because he was feeling down (I know the feeling), and the next thing you know up went the girl with the badonkadonk and the Razr. It was so hot I had to post it on my own site. I thought to myself, “Oh shit! This is about to be the best shit ever.” But then the next several pics went up, and they were all (my bad) busted black chicks in sweat pants. Which is probably the main audience for his music. As I recall, there was even a busted black chick in sweatpants in the video for “Wanksta.” Hot chicks like bad music, but not necessarily 50 Cent. It makes you wonder which artists could solicit the hottest Twitpics. What kind of music do hot chicks listen to? I have no idea. Pretty much all of the conversations I’ve had with attractive women have had to do with fast food.
We’d get some hot chicks at White Castle on Friday nights, after the bars closed. Sometimes, if they had to wait in line too long, they’d piss themselves, right there in the dining room. Then I’d have to go out there and mop it up. And now I’ve got this great blog here at XXL. Dreams do come true.
But I digress. Now, where was I? Ah yes, 50 Cent’s Twitter. [||]
So far, he’s pissed plenty of people off, but there haven’t been any real consequences. The teh ghey community thought they could throw him under a bus, because he had the sheer balls to make a few gay jokes (along with jokes about all sorts of other people that apparently didn’t bother them), but I don’t know if there’s anything they can really do to 50 Cent. It’s a well known fact that Hollywood is controlled by the gay mafia, but Hollywood has already long since chewed him up and spit him out. That movie he did with Al Pacino and Robert De Niro, which I heard sucked balls, and which probably didn’t make very much money, was probably the last time he’ll be in a real, TI-funded Hollywood production. The movies he’s in now are all these straight to video projects for talented actors who got too fat to be in real movies. You think Ray Liotta gives a shit if 50 Cent is a homophobe? He can’t get a job in Hollywood either. That’s probably where Fiddy got all of his best gay jokes.
The only real danger for 50 Cent is if he commits an actual hate crime. Or any crime, for that matter. You’d think that a guy with the business acumen to make $400 million just from having his own flavor of Vitamin Water (which is probably made out of the same shit as Kool-Aid) would have the sense not to do anything on Twitter that could get him sued, or tossed in the clink, but you never can tell with Fiddy. I was on there the other day, and he was talking about how he knows people who can have Floyd Mayweather’s wife done away with for $5,000. I was like, Tha fuck? It was shocking, because you know there was some truth to it, even if he meant it in jest. 50 Cent really is that crazy. He was probably referring to those same people who burned down his baby’s mother’s house.