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What Dr. Dre does all day

Whoever said in the comments section yesterday that Dr. Dre shouldn’t bother releasing Detox, because he’s damn near as old as my parents and he’s got a shedload of money was right: I don’t know what Dr. Dre does all day when he’s obviously not working on Detox, but whatever it was it made him $17 million last year.

Like, literally, I have no idea what Dr. Dre spends his days and nights doing. Nhjic. You fruits can probably gather, from following my blogs, Twitter and what have you, that I spend a lot of time listening to Sainthood by Tegan and Sara, sorting through a seemingly endless stream of pictures of exceptionally attractive women in various stages of undress, and the rest of my time I spend working like a Hebrew slave at the BGM. What does Dr. Dre actually do all day?

I’m not sure if I want to know. I got a creepy vibe from that song “Turn Me On” yesterday. It’s got a sexual element that mostly serves to make him sound like an aging perv. The main thing it reminded me of were those mid ’90s-era episodes of HBO’s Real Sex where there’d a room full of middle aged white people tickling each other’s ballsacks with a feather, doing all kinds of nasty shit with food, and what have you. You’d never see anyone younger than like 46 on those shows. There must be something about getting to be that old where you can’t get off just by doing it the old fashioned way.

To paraphrase Kurt Cobain, in those journals Courtney Love published after he died, probably because she needed money to buy heroin, I hope I die before I become Dr. Dre. Well, aside from the having a shedload of money part.

“Turn Me On” includes a couple of references to tantra, as practiced by Sting (who also lost the plot), and as mentioned in the classic late ’90s-era teen film Can’t Hardly Wait. Supposedly, if you get good at it, you could get it on for something ridonkulous like 18 hours straight. In my condition, I’m not sure if I could stand up straight for 18 hours, let alone satisfy a woman. It’s a good thing I wasn’t born during (agricultural) slavery. Maybe that’s why Dr. Dre has been hitting the gym and pumping himself up on ‘roids: to have weird, old person sex.

Admittedly, the idea of spending damn near my every waking hour making sweet, passionate love to a woman does sound rather tempting. It would certainly beat spending just as much time sitting around in my underwear, aggravating my eye condition. And I probably do spend quite a bit of time thinking about chicks I’d like to bang. I’d try to figure out exactly how much, but I’m not sure if I want to know. But what they don’t tell you about tantra is that it’s actually kinda gay. It’s not 18 hours straight of the kind of sex I’d have with some of the girls from my Tumblr, filled with passion and motorboating; it involves a lot of only sticking the tip in, ballsack petting, and using weird breath exercises to make yourself forget you’re getting it on.

It takes that long to finish because it fucking sucks balls, both literally and figuratively.

It could turn out to be an apt metaphor for Detox. If it does, I wouldn’t even be mad if another writer (say, one of the guys from the New York Times) took it and ran with it. Go hog wild! No Real Sex 17.

“Turn Me On” also includes a reference to E pills, just like on 2001. That album came out 11 years ago (which wouldn’t seem to make sense, given its title), which means that Dr. Dre could very well have been on ecstasy for over a decade straight now. That shit has been known to eat huge, gaping holes in your brain. I remember watching an episode of MTV’s Real Life, or whatever it’s called, on it back when I was in college. There was a chick who used to be on E who was all fucked the fuck up. She wasn’t even fit to work at a Long John Silvers, and it’s been 15+ years since I’ve been in a Long John Silvers and didn’t see someone on meth. (Say what you will about meth addicts, those motherfuckers are fast.) I’m pretty sure that chick was only on it for like two years. She’s probably still good for a boink though.

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