What Dr. Dre does all day

Whoever said in the comments section yesterday that Dr. Dre shouldn’t bother releasing Detox, because he’s damn near as old as my parents and he’s got a shedload of money was right: I don’t know what Dr. Dre does all day when he’s obviously not working on Detox, but whatever it was it made him $17 million last year.

Like, literally, I have no idea what Dr. Dre spends his days and nights doing. Nhjic. You fruits can probably gather, from following my blogs, Twitter and what have you, that I spend a lot of time listening to Sainthood by Tegan and Sara, sorting through a seemingly endless stream of pictures of exceptionally attractive women in various stages of undress, and the rest of my time I spend working like a Hebrew slave at the BGM. What does Dr. Dre actually do all day?

I’m not sure if I want to know. I got a creepy vibe from that song “Turn Me On” yesterday. It’s got a sexual element that mostly serves to make him sound like an aging perv. The main thing it reminded me of were those mid ’90s-era episodes of HBO’s Real Sex where there’d a room full of middle aged white people tickling each other’s ballsacks with a feather, doing all kinds of nasty shit with food, and what have you. You’d never see anyone younger than like 46 on those shows. There must be something about getting to be that old where you can’t get off just by doing it the old fashioned way.

To paraphrase Kurt Cobain, in those journals Courtney Love published after he died, probably because she needed money to buy heroin, I hope I die before I become Dr. Dre. Well, aside from the having a shedload of money part.

“Turn Me On” includes a couple of references to tantra, as practiced by Sting (who also lost the plot), and as mentioned in the classic late ’90s-era teen film Can’t Hardly Wait. Supposedly, if you get good at it, you could get it on for something ridonkulous like 18 hours straight. In my condition, I’m not sure if I could stand up straight for 18 hours, let alone satisfy a woman. It’s a good thing I wasn’t born during (agricultural) slavery. Maybe that’s why Dr. Dre has been hitting the gym and pumping himself up on ‘roids: to have weird, old person sex.

Admittedly, the idea of spending damn near my every waking hour making sweet, passionate love to a woman does sound rather tempting. It would certainly beat spending just as much time sitting around in my underwear, aggravating my eye condition. And I probably do spend quite a bit of time thinking about chicks I’d like to bang. I’d try to figure out exactly how much, but I’m not sure if I want to know. But what they don’t tell you about tantra is that it’s actually kinda gay. It’s not 18 hours straight of the kind of sex I’d have with some of the girls from my Tumblr, filled with passion and motorboating; it involves a lot of only sticking the tip in, ballsack petting, and using weird breath exercises to make yourself forget you’re getting it on.

It takes that long to finish because it fucking sucks balls, both literally and figuratively.

It could turn out to be an apt metaphor for Detox. If it does, I wouldn’t even be mad if another writer (say, one of the guys from the New York Times) took it and ran with it. Go hog wild! No Real Sex 17.

“Turn Me On” also includes a reference to E pills, just like on 2001. That album came out 11 years ago (which wouldn’t seem to make sense, given its title), which means that Dr. Dre could very well have been on ecstasy for over a decade straight now. That shit has been known to eat huge, gaping holes in your brain. I remember watching an episode of MTV’s Real Life, or whatever it’s called, on it back when I was in college. There was a chick who used to be on E who was all fucked the fuck up. She wasn’t even fit to work at a Long John Silvers, and it’s been 15+ years since I’ve been in a Long John Silvers and didn’t see someone on meth. (Say what you will about meth addicts, those motherfuckers are fast.) I’m pretty sure that chick was only on it for like two years. She’s probably still good for a boink though.

  • dago

    I hate you. Dr. Dre is a fuckin legend.

    • Bol

      Please step off the steroid junkie’s nuts. I repeat: Please step off the steroid junkie’s nuts. Thank you. Actually, fuck you.

  • Saratoga N. Blake

    Ya’ll think Dre has ever read a book, not including– maybe– certain instruction manuals from back when he actually worked?

    Don’t forget his generic, dogshit beats (whew! sample Kraftwerk! that’s “fresh” like Afrika Bambatta’s dreadlocked asshair! nearly always have various assistants, if not outright ghost producers?

    Still waiting, by the way, for the story of how The Mad Hacker “stole” Dre’s garbage tune with the garbage verse from Mr. Beyonce.

    Maybe it was the same fiend who overdosed his son?

  • cmoney91

    funny but good post Bol.

  • freshyboi

    tegan and sara!

    • crease

      haha back in your head is the shit!

  • sean

    why the hell would dre want to put out detox and sell it for 9.99 have half you mofo bootleg it? when he can sell headphones for $250 they cant be bootleg
    do that math let not even get to the money that going come get to the money from hp dre beat lap tops

  • smell deez

    “Turn Me On” also includes a reference to E pills, just like on 2001. That album came out 11 years ago (which wouldn’t seem to make sense, given its title), which means that Dr. Dre could very well have been on ecstasy for over a decade straight now.

    LOL

  • Ghost

    Dre makes $17 million and can’t even look out for his children that still live in the hood. Detox wil never come out

  • http://www.candidbackshots.com Candid BACKshotS

    lol at smell deez.
    Dre has been on X and Cali Kush for mad years.
    I hope he puts out Detox b4 he dies.

    click my name 4 big azz.

  • nicholasdelorejo

    Cosign to Sean. Em just made double platinum in an age where artists of all genres in his level are releasing albums that reach copper. And dude still sold less than the dude that’s supplied him with weak beats. Sometimes it’s better to build people’s hope’s up than to be show your worth. Only an idiot would assume that Sarah Palin would run for president in 2012 or possibly ever. She made milliions off the book sales and endorsements from moronic and hopeful people who should at least put their attention back on McCain, Romney, or Huckabee. Why should Dre risk releasing an album that even if it were created at his best ability, its sales would never match the hype and may even ruin Dre’s catolog as being “The Best Producer in Hip-Hop?” Better to have a polished legacy than to tamper with it with an album that can never fulfill it’s hype. Imagine what would’ve happened to Jay-z had he stop making music after “Kingdom Come”?

    • kedordu

      if jay didnt release kingdom come he wouldnt have released AG and bp3 and had more number ones that elvis . u are expecting him to change thegame ?? lol even quincey jones couldnt do that in the 80s after his time passed. why would u expect dre to do it . hes trynna sell records based on the hype . but i think detox is really for the producers out there . thats what im hopin for . thats what turn me on sounds like .

  • Teddy

    his age should only serve as a bonus for a beatmaker its not like his ll cool j or 50 in this bitch trying to strip for dollers and poppin roids to elivate his neck wings the older he is the more experianced like a yoda of hiphop so detox should be the equivalent to what would happen if yoda were to make an album with his age old wisdom

  • Jamal

    bol i usually like your posts man
    even wnen you push too far, but this is pure hate man…

    (to quote ice t on chappelle show)
    Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate

    “I hope I die before I become Dr. Dre”??

    i agree with some of the things you said but
    Dr. Dre is an Afro American legend
    we should treat him like Quincy or Issac

    • Bol

      It’s a play off of a song by The Who called My Generation “I hope I die before I get old.”

  • Teddy

    @
    Jamal says:

    bol i usually like your posts man
    even wnen you push too far, but this is pure hate man…

    ^^^

    this is bol your talking about when is it not pure hate, thats why its funny he fights for the right to hate on a large scale a pioneer to all haters out there

  • Yaw

    “It would certainly beat spending just as much time sitting around in my underwear, aggravating my eye condition.”

    LMAO!

  • therodt

    Damn Bol you got your haterade full on today.today.

  • kenny

    THIS GUY IS A FOOL !! HE HAD TO MAKE A POINT BY BLOGGING TWICE ON THE SAME TOPIC CAUSE HE REALISED HE SAID NOTHING THE FIRST TIME ?? WHAT DO U EXPECT FROM A 45 YR OLD DUDE WHO MAKES MORE MONEY SELLING HEAD FONES AND PRODUCING THE BIGGEST ACT IN HIPHOP? I DONT THINK HES INTERESTED IN CHANGING THE GAME . HES NOT PLAYING THE SAME GAME ANYMORE LOL AND THAT TURN ME ON IS FIREBOMB . ELECTROHOP WITH THE RHYTHMIC BASS OF G FUNK . and the very subtle licky snare of parliament funk . he doesnt need to go forward when he can go back and blend what hes done. and nicole sounds really hot in it. janelle monae already dropped the game changer . did anyone notice??? u think artists dont know how dumbed down the public is ?? hes gonna try and sell the record based on our bullshit anticipation . but i doubt if he gives a fuck . and the firm and the aftermath cds were both dope . they tried to play quincey jones like that in the 80s too . fuck outta here . hes done his thing !!

    • DC Sniper

      Headshot nigga.

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  • dre freak cunt

    dre is the best thing that has ever been in rap it is because of him we have all the other great rappers of today who still cant compare 2 him, and by the way i listen to rap none of that hip hop kayne west ans jason durelo shit u stay real dre bcuz i KNO I WILL