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Michael Jackson and Chris Brown’s career: still dead

Seeing the list of trending topics on Twitter last night filled with the most random of black musicians mostly served as a reminder that the term Black People Twitter had its origin in one of these BET award shows.

A year or so ago, white people logged on to Twitter, saw a similar list of trending topics and were like, Tha fuck? Did black people – not regular (by Internets standards) black people, but the kind of black people who still know what channel BET is on – all just discover Twitter at once, as if its URL was sent out in one of those chain emails, like the one about how black people were gonna lose their right to vote in 2006, or the one about how the Jena 6 went to jail just for stomping a white kid within an inch of his life? You could see why white people might be concerned. Further research revealed that black people took over Twitter at night, while people who work for a living were asleep, but it’s since gotten to the point where black people’s asinine discussions of why #uainthittingitright and what have you dominate Twitter at all hours of the day and night. It’s been estimated that a full fourth of the people on Twitter here in the US are black, even though we only make about 12% of the population, and even though black people theoretically can’t afford as many computers as white people. (Did Nike start making a computer?) Has anyone ever seen a Mexican on Twitter? I’m just saying.

Of course I didn’t bother to actually tune into the BET Awards, or whatever it’s called. I was tired as a motherfucking, from having worked a few shifts in a row at the BGM, and even if I weren’t, I would have been catching the season premieres of Hung (mad underrated) and Entourage, on HBO, which I had to DVR. Entourage usually only interests me about as much as the BET Awards, but I heard my boo Sasha Grey is a guest star this season, and I’ll watch pretty much anything with Sasha Grey in it, as long as there’s no scat involved. (Producers of the BET Awards might want to take note.) In fact, the other main reason I haven’t been on the Internets as much lately is because some dude on my formspring sent me working usernames and passwords to all of the top Internets pr0n sites. I don’t know if this guy is a haX0r or an especially generous friend or what, but he’s given me pretty much the best gift a man could possibly receive that doesn’t involve an actual living, breathing woman – arguably even better, because you can continue to enjoy this gift for years and years on end. If only there wasn’t so much work involved in downloading the best 2,000 or so scenes (only the cream of the crop, nullus) to my external hard drive. I’d stop by the local Home Depot and hire a Mexican to do it, but then they might discover Twitter. Lollerskates.

The highlight of last night’s BET Awards, to hear the Internets tell it, was Chris Brown’s tribute to Michael Jackson, who’s been dead a year this past Friday. You’ll recall that Chris Brown was gonna do an MJ tribute at last year’s BET Awards, which must have taken place not very long after Jacko bought the farm (or the petting museum, as it were), but he got cock-blocked by Jay-Z. The rumor at the time was that Jay-Z was banging Rihanna, and he gave her herpes, which she then gave to Chris Brown, and that’s why Chris Brown rearranged her face. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but if it is, I could see why Jay-Z would be especially upset. There must be an especially close relationship between people who have the same strain of herpes, almost like having a kid together. The two of you are connected for life, in a sense. Given a choice, I’d rather just take a girl’s virginity, but you don’t always have a choice in the matter, and that’s not gonna be an option for you nearly as often, once you get to be as old as Jay-Z.

I wonder if BET even bothered to contact Jay-Z this year, to see if it was alright if Chris Brown performed, or if they just figured what the fuck? It’s not like there was any chance of this saving Chris Brown’s career. Maybe if he somehow managed to outdance Michael Jackson, but he didn’t. His MJ impression wasn’t even as, erm, impressive as I remember it from the MTV Awards a few years ago. The 50 year-old, damn near dead Michael Jackson from that concert rehearsal footage movie could have eaten Chris Brown’s lunch (and then played with his balls). Anyway, I don’t think people were concerned with whether or not Chris Brown is a talented performer. He wasn’t a talented performer in the first place. People just want to know what Rihanna did that set him off (Jada Pinkett). Not that there’s ever an excuse to fuck up a woman’s face like that, but it’s one thing if he just indiscriminately started beating the shit out of her. If we know that she gave him herpes, or she was going through his text messages, at least it gives us an idea of his thought process. There’s a lot of women out there who wouldn’t have done some shit like that. Why do you think this guy Joran van der Sloot has reportedly been inundated with love letters and marriage proposals since he confessed to Stephany Flores? They realize that what he did was wrong, but at the same time they understand that sometimes a man could use a little privacy.

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