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Oh noes, a woman with her shirt off!!!

Not to let you in on more than you need to know about Jimmy Valentime, the New York MC who sorta kinda resembles the late TV writer/blogger David Mills, and sorta kinda sounds like an intellectual Wesley Willis, but I happen to know for a fact that he’s obsessed with both cans and hating on Drake. Over the years, he’s been the source of many of my posts on Drake – especially the ones having to do with the new Degrassi Jr. High, which I’m not as familiar with, though the few episodes I’ve seen have been compelling as shit. (Not even a joke.) He also put together a song/video tribute to the legendary Winter Pierzina, perhaps the most beautiful woman of our time, which is the kind of shit I would do, if I had the tools + talent. I’m not gonna lie – I’ve gone back and rewatched it a few times, “for my own personal amusement.”

So, I was hardly surprised to see that he emailed me a link to the video of Drake shrieking in fear at the sight of a woman’s cans at one of his shows. I saw that shit on Sandra Rose, when I rolled off the couch a couple of hours ago, exhausted as shit from having not done anything yesterday (does that ever happen to anyone else?), and I was like, I’m surprised Jimmy Valentime isn’t all over this. Its got his (and admittedly my) two favorite things ever: Drake humor and cans. Then I checked my email, and, lo and behold, Valentime was on his job. It was only then that I actually went back and watched the video. When I saw Sandra Rose had posted it, I thought it may have just been a matter of Drake looking kinda gay. Which is hardly a surprise to yours truly. (Nullus.) While Sandra Rose deserves all the credit in the world for having such a keen eye for DL brothers, sometimes she posts things that hardly constitute a smoking gun. They could just be pictures where rappers look kinda gay. Which happens. I know one time I had to check a woman at one of these high school portrait studios for trying to get me to pose like a fruit. She coulda had me out here looking like Kobe Bryant.

The video of Drake recoiling at the site of a flasher really is some of the funnier shit I’ve ever seen on the Internets. He doesn’t just look surprised, he completely loses his blaccent, shouts, “Oh my g-d!” and takes off running in the opposite direction. I’ve seen more subtle reactions to the 2 girls 1 cup video. Whereas the appropriate reaction would have been to stand there and stare for as long as possible (flashing obviously constitutes consent), possibly stopping the show and shouting something like, “Bitches, show us your titties!” Ben Roethlisberger-style. Who knows? He could have started a chain reaction of broads pulling up their shirts. The crowd looked mad white, and I saw enough hair metal videos back when I was in grade school to know that white chicks love flashing their cans at concerts. Anything other than run in the opposite direction. And what was with him shouting oh my god? Do black people even say oh my god? I really am asking, because my grasp on black vernacular English isn’t the strongest. But oh my god sounds like some shit Stephen Malkmus would say. I’m pretty sure aww hell naw would have been the preferred expression in that instance. Both the fact that Drake instead shouted oh my god and the way he said it are all the proof I need that Drake’s entire persona, especially the ultra-exaggerated blaccent, is an act.

But I’m actually more concerned that Drake doesn’t really share my/most straight dudes’ obsession with cans, when I thought for certain that he was. “Best I Ever Had” was the kind of rap video I would make, if for some reason I was making a rap video, and I actually had the budget for something more than a slideshow of some of the better pictures of Winter Pierzina. But that must have been Kanye’s idea. It may have even been someone at the label trying to make Drake look straight. It’s not like labels normally just sign off on videos like that. Otherwise, that’s what all videos would look, even a surprising percentage of videos by women. I suppose I should have known something was up when Drake tried to cop a plea about the video: he wasn’t concerned with offending any dark butts (as if dark butts could watch a rap video and not feel inferior), he was genuinely disturbed by how the video turned out. Let me guess – that’s why it’s so hard to see the girl in the background of the “Over” video.

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