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Lesbians: not as hot as we once thought?

I’m pretty sure I read somewhere the other day that, in the past few months, Nicki Minaj has gone from hinting that she might be a lesbian, to full-on rapping about going down on other women, playing with their cans. etc. She may have even come out, so to speak, as the woman in that video talking about how Remy Ma ate the box – I honestly don’t know. Even though I’ve probably written a few posts about Nicki Minaj at this point, I try to avoid anything and everything having to do with her. I’m honestly not even sure what’s more bothersome to me: the sight of her huge ass stuffed inside a pair of stretch pants she probably copped from an Ashley Stewart, the fat woman’s clothing store typically found in ghetto strip malls sandwiched between a Korean beauty supply and a grocery store where they look at you funny if you actually pay with cash, or the sound of her voice rapping in that accent that sounds like it was purposely selected to antagonize men. Which was all the proof I ever needed that she can’t stand guys.

(Speaking of both Young Money and women with huge asses, has everyone seen those pictures of Drake and the black chick his label hired to pretend to be his girlfriend? She might be even more thundery through the thigh region than Nicki Minaj – though I saw some pictures of her with her pants off, and her ass was actually fairly well-sculpted, for how big it is. But I’m not buying for a minute that Drake has any real interest in her. There’s no way he could have grown up surrounded by the kind of pussy on that new Degrassi series, only to become a chubby chaser. That’s just not how it works.)

Nicki Minaj must have thought that people would be a lot more interested in the idea of a female rapper who (openly) gets it on with other women than they apparently are. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have dragged out the process of revealing her sexual proclivities: trying to holler at Amber Rose on Twitter; mentioning in interviews how many girls’ boobs she signs at concerts; that song she did Ludacris (I think) about trying to recruit another girl for a menage a trois, so on and so forth. As if anyone would find the idea of menage a trois Robert Downey Jr.-style, with two girls and a guy, particularly noteworthy. As far as I’m concerned, that’s the only kind of menage a trois that should exist. Which is not to say that I wouldn’t tag team a broad, if she was attractive enough, and there wasn’t any way I could just have her to myself. But I doubt I’d enjoy it as much. I’d be too concerned that a guy’s load might accidentally land on my shirt – which once happened to Artie Lange. I suppose the other guy could wait in the next room until you finish, but then you wouldn’t be able to tag him in, which would defeat the entire purpose.

But I digress.

Lest there was any confusion as to people’s disinterest in Nicki Minaj’s taste for fish, a recent song by Lil Kim about the joys of chewing on carpet – clearly intended to capitalize on the media’s fascination with Nicki Minaj – was greeted with a similar response: crickets. As I recall, the lyrics were even more explicit than anything I’ve heard from Nicki Minaj. But it just came off as sad, since Lil Kim has never seemed that interested in girls until just now – like the hip-hop equivalent of those supposedly straight bodybuilder guys who fuck other guys in the ass on film, because there’s so much money to be made doing it. Gay for pay it’s called. Nullus! There was also a picture of her out somewhere with a woman she obviously wanted us to think she’s been having sex with. I would have found it a lot more interesting, if she were at all attractive at this point, or if the two of them were actually making out or some shit. Instead, it reminded me of these black lesbian couples you see where you have to wonder if they’re really that into other women, or if they’ve just given up on trying to find a man.

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