When I heard that Suge Knight beat the crap out of Yukmouth and robbed him of $92,000 worth of jewelry, I'm not gonna lie - my inner aging fat man felt kinda proud.

It was a feeling not unlike the feeling I get every now and again when I see a really fat man who's like 70, at the grocery store with a cart full of bacon and shit. If you notice, you don't see very many really tall or really fat old people - and it's not just because people in general used to be way shorter and way skinner than they are now. Extra-big and extra-tall people just plain don't live to be very old. But every now and again, you see one who's managed to buck the trend, and you get this feeling that's not unlike the feeling you get when you see an old, decrepit fuck with a smoking hot 20 year-old chick: on the one hand you're kinda jealous, but on the other hand there's the thought that one day you might be that guy.

It still isn't clear to me what actually went down between Suge Knight and Yukmouth, but I figured maybe Suge Knight was in a grocery store, copping a bottle of Clos Du Bois 2007 Pinot Noir, a thick cut rib eye, and maybe a tube of Icy Hot to rub on his inner thigh region (no homo), when he saw Yukmouth from the Luniz walking around with $92,000 worth of jewelry on, and he got that urge not unlike what Tony Soprano felt when he kicked the shit out of that ripped, suspect kid who was acting as his bodyguard after he got shot. Maybe he could kick the shit out of Yukmouth, and it would help repair his image from all of those times when he got beat up by people he probably would have dangled over a balcony, or forced to drink a cup of piss (and I don't mean store brand vodka), back in the early to mid '90s. I don't know jack shit about Yukmouth, other than that he was one of the guys from that song "I Got 5 on It," but you have to think that he's a pothead, which means he's docile and retarded, and he's gotta be getting on in years, if he hasn't had a hit since I was in middle school, and I'm damn middle aged. I've already got the wardrobe.

But come to find out this shit didn't take place anything like it did in my imagination. There were as many as 10 people involved, and Suge Knight may not have been one of them - though I suspect that he was. Yukmouth gave an interview to Vlad TV in which he explained that Suge Knight didn't have anything to do with him getting robbed, that he didn't say shit to the police, that the police are trying to make it seem as if Suge was involved, because they're trying to find an excuse to toss him in the clink, so on and so forth, but of course he's gonna say that. He can't have people thinking he reported the incident to the police, because that's frowned upon in the ghetto, even if 10 people you don't even know beat the shit out of you and stole damn near a hundred grand worth of shit from you. You've seen that episode of 60 Minutes with Cam'ron. Even calling the cops on a child molester who lives in your building could be construed as snitching. Plus, what if Yukmouth wants to retaliate against Suge Knight, like in those early '90s-era hood movies? This way, Yukmouth can pull a driveby on Suge Knight, and if 5-0 suspects he did it, he can just point to the story on Vlad TV in which he explained that he and Suge Knight don't have any beef. To Yukmouth's credit, the hip-hop police probably are dumb enough to be swayed by some shit like that. That's why they kept trying to link any and every violent incident in hip-hop to an East Coast-West Coast beef, for like 10 years after the fact.

If I were Yukmouth, I'd go ahead and report this shit to the police. It's not like Suge, or whoever robbed him, did so in a way that could be viewed as fair, or honorable. And he might be able to get that $92,000 worth of jewelry back. I happen to know, from having spent years and years working in low-level retail, that the one thing 5-0 does kinda succeed at is recovering stolen merchandise, if only by accident. The BGM gets shipments two days a week, and pretty much every other day of the week we get a trash bag full of shit that they found in a room full of dead tweakers or some shit.

I wonder what they do with the possessions of rappers too credible to report their shit stolen.