#tourescousin should get a Ph.D in WTF

“Brown sugar, how come you taste so good?” — Lyrics to a song that may have been truer than we imagined

How come none of you fruits told me Toure pulled a John Mayer on Twitter this week?

It could be that you just weren’t aware. After all, this is XXL. I don’t mean to suggest that the audience here is a bit less savvy than the people I would normally associate with, which might be bad for XXL’s “brand,” but suffice it to say that I probably wouldn’t be here, if there wasn’t $8 to be made. I happen to know at least one of the artists featured in XXL (one of the original Freshman 10, as I recall) had to hire Julia Beverly to operate his Twitter for him. No Boutros? For what it’s worth, Twitter is somewhat complicated. An empty box that says “What are you doing?” could mean so many different things. And who are all of those other people? Is Diddy trying to tell me something? Why is he so excited?

I actually caught some of Toure’s John Mayer incident as it was unfolding the other day, but I didn’t realize the potential lulz for a couple of reasons. (1) I didn’t catch the initial, ridonkulous comment from which the rest of this kerfuffle blossomed, like one of those deep fried onions they sell at Outback Steakhouse – supposedly one of the most unhealthy – and hence delicious – things you can possibly order in a restaurant, right up there with the chicken wings at Hooters. (Fun Fact: Did you know the wing sauce at Hooters consists almost entirely of butter? It’s true. If you order them mild, it’s literally just deep fried chicken wings tossed in butter.) (2) I might be a little bit impartial when it comes to Toure, because we come from similar backgrounds. Otherwise, I would have been realized he’s as crazy as catshit. I can probably relate to him more than most people (no homo), because I understand what it’s like to be surrounded by cracka-ass crackas. Would I have pledged an all-white fraternity in college? No, but then I wouldn’t have turned around and went all afrocentric either. I keep my whiteness like Toure keeps his shirts. Extra smedium.

Before we go any further, we should probably have a look at said initial, ridonkulous comment. If you’re heroic enough to still be reading this mess, you probably have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. Blossoming onions? White fraternities? The fuck? Though even if you do know what Toure has been up to this week, you might be a little bit lost at this point, I’ll admit.

[Note: I've edited it some to make it more readable, and I probably fucked some of it up, because it's a Friday afternoon, and it's getting dangerously close to Miller time.]

If you’re black and dislike seeing black men with white women, does it give you pause to know that the Klan agrees with you? I understand and respect the nationalistic dating perspective and abhor the Klan’s segregative impulse. But politics is making strange bedfellows. Many, many, many of our great-grandmothers were raped in slavery. But surely a few of them were loved and surely some were cunning and brilliant enough to use their bodies to gain liberation, thus fooling massa. Of course most were raped, we know that, but some were sharp enough to trade that good-good for status or liberation. They are absolutely not hoes. They’re sexually heroic. They’re self-liberating by any means necessary.

Um, yikes!

But here’s the crazy part: Some angry black chick called him on it, and he copped a plea. He claimed that he’d been in yoga class [||], and his cousin, an insane Ph.D student (the black unabomber?), tweeted that shit. Even though, if you follow Toure on Twitter, you’d know that that little history lesson was in the same style he always uses, which was the dead giveaway. Then he started retweeting updates from an account called @tourescousin, in which his alleged cousin took responsibility for the offending tweets, then started saying some more crazy shit. That’s when I picked up on it. But I didn’t bother to try to figure out what was going on, because Toure has been known to use his Twitter as an outlet for his logorrhea (rather than just getting a blog, like the rest of us), and its usually just banal PC bullshit.

If only I’d been aware at the time of the emerging pattern of incidents in which Toure says some crazy shit and then tries to pretend that he didn’t. I’d been aware of a couple of previous such incidents, but I only just now realized they were related. Last year, there was the legendary sackbeast incident, in which he apparently broke into dream hampton’s Twitter account and touted his own sexual prowess. I screencapped it and posted it on my own site, and then someone went and edited dream hampton’s Wikipedia to note that Toure was her best lay evar. Which, for what it’s worth, she never officially denied. Then there was the incident where he quoted someone on Martha’s Island calling Michelle Obama a hoodrat. It’s never been revealed who that was, or how Toure got into contact with them – but it’s a journalist’s responsibility to protect his sources, and I wouldn’t want someone accusing me of some shit like that, if I operated under any pretense of journalistic credibility. So… um, yeah.

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  • Dreallday

    “I don’t mean to suggest that the audience here is a bit less savvy than the people I would normally associate with”

    I think you and jessica Simpson would be the only people to classify twitter users as ‘savvy’

    As for the comment, shit is ignorant. Maybe some women used their assets to bang master and improve their status to one above slave. But, if you have to lick old white balls for “liberty”, is that really freedom?

  • ljljjal

    I didn’t know who toure was or what he was twittering and I thought the first 3 paragraphs was some of your best work ever for what thats is worth. The cassidy line yesterday was a doozy too. Then i just got freaked the f— out after reading that message toure or his cousin wrote. maybe possibly the worst spoken or written comment ever said out loud ever. I am going to go puke now.

  • John Cochran

    A four paragraph blog on what Toure posts on twitter. Fail

  • Anonymous

    also just caught the (II) after yoga class was wondering how that got through with no comment

  • Worley

    “some were sharp enough to trade that good-good for status or liberation. They are absolutely not hoes. They’re sexually heroic. They’re self-liberating by any means necessary.”

    It looks like groupies, video hoes and all around slores have a new mantra.

  • eddiesixes

    everytime i see toure talking on tv, right before i instinctly change the channel, i always feel a bit closer to whoever he’s interviewing as we share the same look on our faces while we imagine puttin the ol’ shoe on him for every giddy little quip that comes out of his mouth.


    twitter is for idiots fuck your meeting

  • damn

    u know rappers get a lot of flack for downgradin women this is some of the most insultin shit yo could say about black women in slave times white supremacists everywhere r tippin they hat to dude i think its fucked up that hes talkin bout toure (in any capacity)
    but its good that he brought some attention to that statement is just so damn stupid somebody need to beat his ass on gp

  • tommy gunz

    n/h @ keeping up with toure via tweet

  • NY

    Because he is a gay man, I am sure Toure knows all sorts of tricks to get men into bed. And, just because he is into racialized slave/master fantasies with men he picked up on the piers does not mean black women were not raped. Slaves cannot consent to sex! Basically he is saying “they wanted it.” Toure stays acting like he is educated and cultured. I hope a woman kidnaps him, sells him to a woman with a strap on and that woman rapes him. She can tell the cops he used his cunning and charm on him. She would then become my sexual hero.

  • geico lizard

    Toure said that ignorant soulja boy type shit because no straight man in america would admit to being toures cousin. John Mayer after his comments can bounce back and start dating Tatiana Ali or some damn body but Toure is a nobody so he doesnt have to worry about a blowback for his comments.

  • http://www.hiphopmanga.com Plain Rap Medski

    Toure is a well known button pusher and line stepper. He’s probly arrogant after not getting checked by Bow WOW.

    “Handle What?”

  • yeah

    I keep my whiteness like Toure keeps his shirts. Extra smedium.


  • http://www.twitter.com/galebinjo G-Leb

    Toure up in your fat butt!!!

  • avenger xl

    I have to file this under who the Furgeson is Toure and who cares about Toure.

    P.S. Nothing written on Twitter can be important it is a lot like joke on the boondocks about texting.

  • raazi36

    yo what happend to bol’s new post ! ! ! !

  • bigrob

    I feel this post is appropriate to coin the term “No Roethlisberger”. As in toure’s tweet deserves a “no roethlisberger”

  • Zaza

    ‘called Michelle Obama a hoodrat’,I love Chelly O but that made me laugh,hoodrat!?

  • http://quickpacker.info/www.xxlmag.com/ www.xxlmag.com

    Tourescousin should get a phd in wtf.. Great idea :)