When I saw, just now, that I’d received an email from Diggy Simmons (did I just type the name Diggy Simmons?) with a subject line having to do with how he’d gotten a deal from Atlantic Records without the help of his father, I thought for a second there that it really was an email from Diggy Simmons trying to explain to me that he really did get his deal, which was the talk of Black People Twitter the other day, on the basis of that amazing remake of Nas’ “Made You Look” that hit the Internets a week or so ago – even though I’m pretty sure I’ve never so much as mentioned Diggy Simmons on the Internets, or elsewhere.
Like, maybe he was concerned that, now that he’s on Atlantic, with the rest of the rappers I don’t like, I might start making fun of him. Tech savvy, seemingly literate young man that he is, maybe he’s familiar with my work, and he knows I’ve been obsessed with the idea of the child rapper as sex symbol. No Boutros. I’ve done a number of posts documenting Lil Bow Wow’s attempts to attract older women, including that time when it was rumored that he’d impregnated Superhead (perhaps the ultimate fail in all of hip-hop), and that time he did a sex scene on HBO’s Entourage, and if you looked closely (I’ve been told), you could see his balls, I guess to prove to the world that he has more or less normal sized genitalia, despite his stature.
I wonder if he actually thought that would be good for his career, or if it was solely a play for some adult stank. You know the few girls who still show up to his shows at this point are firmly in the Noggin Network age range. The millions of young girls who used to like him, who are like 30 at this point, have long since moved on to TI or whatever. Girls in shows on the Noggin Network apparently sometimes get pregnant, but obviously you can’t get a girl that age pregnant – at least not if you’re famous. (I’ve heard that sort of thing is fairly commonplace in parts of the black community.) Imagine how tragic it must be to go from having so much young pussy at your disposal, to not being able to bang anyone other than Superhead, quite literally overnight. It’s hardly any wonder he was supposedly contemplating suicide.
Clearly, this is just the beginning of a long, sad journey for Diggy Simmons. I hadn’t planned on ever writing about any of Rev Run’s male offspring, but since he mentioned it, I might have to add Diggy to my Google Alerts, just for the potential lulz. (Er, since Diggy’s publicist mentioned it. That wasn’t really an email from Diggy himself, who’s probably too busy scoring. It was a form email from a professional email spammer.) The TIs obviously lied to him, when they told him they gave him a deal for $2 million dollars or whatever on the basis of that “Made You Look” video. His lyrics aren’t anything any ol’ dumbass kid couldn’t come up with, and his voice doesn’t even sound like a guy. He actually kinda sounds like how Nicki Minaj used to sound, back when Remy Ma ate the box. A 15 year-old Bol would have seen right through that, but I had a very cynical mother, and a lot of that must have rubbed off on me. No Oedipus. Rev Run has spent the last 20 years sitting around his his gold-plated bath tub coming up with bullshit, religious-themed motivational sayings.
Or who knows. Maybe Diggy Simmons doesn’t really believe his deal didn’t have anything to do with the fact that his father is the star of a hit reality show. There’s probably a clause in his contract that, when his album doesn’t recoup, Atlantic Records gets his cut from Run’s House, plus proceeds from this new shoe line he’s got coming out that probably looks like a knockoff version of some shit Reebok used to make back in the 1980s, the inevitable Phat Farm spinoff line for petite men/”tweens” (which sounds dangerously close to “twinks” <– don’t google that), and what have you. Plus, I’m pretty sure I spotted some product placement in that “Made You Look” video, even though that supposedly took place before the record deal. If Diggy really is in on these shenanigans, I shudder to think what effect this might have on his still-developing psyche, and what it might ultimately lead to. Lest we forget, he’s got rape-rape in his blood, and he probably doesn’t have any grown female fans, other than maybe Superhead.
And since we’ve already crossed so many lines at this point, let’s just go all the way there with it, as if we were the Noggin Network: I’m not sure if it’s possible to live in the same house with two women as overly developed as his two older sisters and not have your brain be a boiling cauldron of sexual confusion and desire. Aren’t they really just his half-sisters, from the part of Rev Run’s life that’s never brought up on Run’s House? I don’t have any sisters, and even if I did, they’d be the most hideous women evar (obvs), but I’ve always wondered about guys with really hot sisters. It has to at least cross your mind at some point, right? Something tells me that, if I grew up in that house, the ceiling in my bedroom would be a mess.