I’m not above attacking children

When I saw, just now, that I’d received an email from Diggy Simmons (did I just type the name Diggy Simmons?) with a subject line having to do with how he’d gotten a deal from Atlantic Records without the help of his father, I thought for a second there that it really was an email from Diggy Simmons trying to explain to me that he really did get his deal, which was the talk of Black People Twitter the other day, on the basis of that amazing remake of Nas’ “Made You Look” that hit the Internets a week or so ago – even though I’m pretty sure I’ve never so much as mentioned Diggy Simmons on the Internets, or elsewhere.

Like, maybe he was concerned that, now that he’s on Atlantic, with the rest of the rappers I don’t like, I might start making fun of him. Tech savvy, seemingly literate young man that he is, maybe he’s familiar with my work, and he knows I’ve been obsessed with the idea of the child rapper as sex symbol. No Boutros. I’ve done a number of posts documenting Lil Bow Wow’s attempts to attract older women, including that time when it was rumored that he’d impregnated Superhead (perhaps the ultimate fail in all of hip-hop), and that time he did a sex scene on HBO’s Entourage, and if you looked closely (I’ve been told), you could see his balls, I guess to prove to the world that he has more or less normal sized genitalia, despite his stature.

I wonder if he actually thought that would be good for his career, or if it was solely a play for some adult stank. You know the few girls who still show up to his shows at this point are firmly in the Noggin Network age range. The millions of young girls who used to like him, who are like 30 at this point, have long since moved on to TI or whatever. Girls in shows on the Noggin Network apparently sometimes get pregnant, but obviously you can’t get a girl that age pregnant – at least not if you’re famous. (I’ve heard that sort of thing is fairly commonplace in parts of the black community.) Imagine how tragic it must be to go from having so much young pussy at your disposal, to not being able to bang anyone other than Superhead, quite literally overnight. It’s hardly any wonder he was supposedly contemplating suicide.

Clearly, this is just the beginning of a long, sad journey for Diggy Simmons. I hadn’t planned on ever writing about any of Rev Run’s male offspring, but since he mentioned it, I might have to add Diggy to my Google Alerts, just for the potential lulz. (Er, since Diggy’s publicist mentioned it. That wasn’t really an email from Diggy himself, who’s probably too busy scoring. It was a form email from a professional email spammer.) The TIs obviously lied to him, when they told him they gave him a deal for $2 million dollars or whatever on the basis of that “Made You Look” video. His lyrics aren’t anything any ol’ dumbass kid couldn’t come up with, and his voice doesn’t even sound like a guy. He actually kinda sounds like how Nicki Minaj used to sound, back when Remy Ma ate the box. A 15 year-old Bol would have seen right through that, but I had a very cynical mother, and a lot of that must have rubbed off on me. No Oedipus. Rev Run has spent the last 20 years sitting around his his gold-plated bath tub coming up with bullshit, religious-themed motivational sayings.

Or who knows. Maybe Diggy Simmons doesn’t really believe his deal didn’t have anything to do with the fact that his father is the star of a hit reality show. There’s probably a clause in his contract that, when his album doesn’t recoup, Atlantic Records gets his cut from Run’s House, plus proceeds from this new shoe line he’s got coming out that probably looks like a knockoff version of some shit Reebok used to make back in the 1980s, the inevitable Phat Farm spinoff line for petite men/”tweens” (which sounds dangerously close to “twinks” <– don’t google that), and what have you. Plus, I’m pretty sure I spotted some product placement in that “Made You Look” video, even though that supposedly took place before the record deal. If Diggy really is in on these shenanigans, I shudder to think what effect this might have on his still-developing psyche, and what it might ultimately lead to. Lest we forget, he’s got rape-rape in his blood, and he probably doesn’t have any grown female fans, other than maybe Superhead.

And since we’ve already crossed so many lines at this point, let’s just go all the way there with it, as if we were the Noggin Network: I’m not sure if it’s possible to live in the same house with two women as overly developed as his two older sisters and not have your brain be a boiling cauldron of sexual confusion and desire. Aren’t they really just his half-sisters, from the part of Rev Run’s life that’s never brought up on Run’s House? I don’t have any sisters, and even if I did, they’d be the most hideous women evar (obvs), but I’ve always wondered about guys with really hot sisters. It has to at least cross your mind at some point, right? Something tells me that, if I grew up in that house, the ceiling in my bedroom would be a mess.

  • Ayre

    Bol, you are one sick cat! Lol!

  • Redd

    Hillarious

  • JamsBlaze

    wrong..but genius nonetheless and wtf is with the name diggy?

  • Charles Raw

    Rev. Run is a horse’s ass, apologies to Equine-Americans.

    Maybe if Diggy Simmons fell far from the shout rap, has been, god bothering bullshit he’ll be “hot” as… who?

    Fucking Saigon?!

    Stay hard (ll)

  • ChiTown

    Bol, you are a sick sick man lol… I wonder how long this post will last

  • http://nba.com Youngin

    That was some disturbing sick shit. The rest was silly until the last part. Ridiculous if I might.

  • http://TheSunk.com TheHallway/TheSunk

    *gunshots* You wrong as hell Bol. ROTFL

  • cinnastarr

    BOL!!!!!!

  • sealsaa

    “I’ve always wondered about guys with really hot sisters. It has to at least cross your mind at some point, right? Something tells me that, if I grew up in that house, the ceiling in my bedroom would be a mess.”

    *gives best Sopranos* Oh!

    • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

      *gives best Sopranos* Oh!
      ^^LMAO!!! co-sign. this shit was crazy, Bol.

      • Lowedwn

        co-sign all of the above

        word to Pauly Walnuts

  • http://misterrickysays.blogspot.com Mister Ricky

    “apologies to Equine-Americans”.See, that right there… That’s some funny shyt!

  • ruffi mane

    I’m not sure if it’s possible to live in the same house with two women as overly developed as his two older sisters and not have your brain be a boiling cauldron of sexual confusion and desire
    ^
    Jojo should make a mixtape elaborating upon these emotions

    • http://www.bboycult.com Don ‘$yk’ McCaine

      * jumps off rusty nails to read ruffi mane’s comment *

      * reads Jo-Jo’s salty Twitters about his brother getting more love than him *

      * drinks a Drano milkshake before jumping back on rusty nail bed *

  • http://www.bboycult.com Don ‘$yk’ McCaine

    * reads Bol’s blog *

    * jumps on a bed of rusty nails *

  • beaver

    “Rev Run has spent the last 20 years sitting around his his gold-plated bath tub coming up with bullshit, religious-themed motivational sayings.”

    “I’ve always wondered about guys with really hot sisters. It has to at least cross your mind at some point, right? Something tells me that, if I grew up in that house, the ceiling in my bedroom would be a mess.”

    hahaha fuckin classicc..haha
    1 of my fav bloggs from u bol hahaha..

    CLASSICC/HILARIOUS..haha

  • Wow

    I gotta stop reading these posts while at work. It hurts to keep from violently laughing.

  • latino heat

    classic shit.

    can someone explain the part about Diggy having “rape-rape in his blood” though?

  • Moving Sideways

    Noggin Network sounds like an all oral channel that used to come in scrambled.

  • Mr. 306

    I can’t read your posts high anymore. I zone out and forget what the fuck i was even searching for…oh right! News about hip-hop, which i shant be findin here. Allllll the people you hate get the maddest promotion from you. Start talking about upcoming albums or an amazing tour maybe…if the news you’re pulling together is simply compiled from google alerts then you truly are the king of the morons. Also on the fron page you wrote “…a now low..”‘ i believe you were looking for a “….a new low….” but good try. Just stop..please.

  • BEEZIE!

    Prope to Diggy, I guess… I doubt I ever listen to any of his shit but to each is own…

    As for the Simmons sisters, they just don’t do it for me. Sorry. I don’t know one from the other, but one looks like fuckin Alf, and the other looks like she gives dry head with a desert snatch to match. I’m just sayin…

  • Phillmatic

    Haha. There’s too many quotables in this post.

  • giantstepp

    Wow! You really went there… gotta admit that this was sick, yet funny.

    “Rev Run has spent the last 20 years sitting around his his gold-plated bath tub coming up with bullshit, religious-themed motivational sayings.”

    Ok Ok, some of the shit Rev says, comes across as what you said, but some of the shit be alright!

  • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

    Oh. Got. DAMN!!

  • dat koon nigga

    if I grew up in that house, the ceiling in my bedroom would be a mess

    THEN YOU WOULD HAVE PASTRY ALL OVER YOUR NUT SACK AND HANG LO

  • http://www.emcdl.com EmCDL

    Damn Bol you sick, but I ain’t gonna lie, them girls cute as hell.

    And this dude said ‘rape-rape in his blood’ LOL

    • that nigga

      Lest we forget, he’s got rape-rape in his blood,
      :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

      Im pullin my hair out over this comment too? I need to know. ASAP

  • Brahsef

    He still shocked the hell out of me on the Made You Look beat. You gotta come decent on that beat, I mean it’s Nas, and he came through.

  • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

    Run was charged with rape around the same time DMC was having problems with his drinking. The rape charges were dropped and DMC sobered up. After that mess they both stopped acting wild and Run became Rev. Run.

    • http://www.bboycult.com Don ‘$yk’ McCaine

      You forgot the ‘Walk This Way’ sniffles…

      • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

        Yup! In fact, I once heard that the ENTIRE Def Jam line-up was on coke (mainly) or something else harder than weed. Everybody! From Rick and Rush all the way down to the janitor.

        • http://www.bboycult.com Don ‘$yk’ McCaine

          I plead the 5th Amendment…

          Fun fact: On the insert of ‘BAD’ by LL Cool J it shows Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs as management.

          p.s. My eyes have seen the world famous supreme team…”I’m The King Of ROCK”-Run DMC

  • El Tico Loco

    This post is disturbing and hilarious in so many levels.

  • BIGNAT

    “Something tells me that, if I grew up in that house, the ceiling in my bedroom would be a mess.”
    yuck yuck on so many levels but a real good post

  • http://www.bboycult.com www.bboycult.com

    yous a dirty baw!

    but shit, somebodY GOT TO DO IT!!!!

  • P. Harris

    “I wonder if he actually thought that would be good for his career, or if it was solely a play for some adult stank. You know the few girls who still show up to his shows at this point are firmly in the Noggin Network age range. The millions of young girls who used to like him, who are like 30 at this point, have long since moved on to TI or whatever. Girls in shows on the Noggin Network apparently sometimes get pregnant, but obviously you can’t get a girl that age pregnant – at least not if you’re famous. (I’ve heard that sort of thing is fairly commonplace in parts of the black community.) Imagine how tragic it must be to go from having so much young pussy at your disposal, to not being able to bang anyone other than Superhead, quite literally overnight. It’s hardly any wonder he was supposedly contemplating suicide.”

    Classic! LOL! Hilarious!!! *thought to self* Meagan Goode used to be on Nickolodeon… I tell people that and their like GTFOH…. smh… anyway…

    XXL Keep it Up! not for the magazine, but for the the commentators… yall are like Rich Eisen, Stuart Scott(What’s up with his “Eye”… like over the years that shit has gotten worse? I think it’s glass now? Nobody ever mentions that shit???? But, anyway…) and Keith Olberman. The action (blogs) happens and y’all report (comment) it.

    Shout outs to “$yk, TPAR, Jamal7mile, Pierzy, OG Matt Herbz, The “Commission” and everybody else who is on here… Even the the ignorant muhfux…

    *on some ignorant shit* What up, Raleigh, NC, Southside, Kingwood, RNCP, Southgate, Southeast, Gatewood, Milburnie, Ill-E Agnes, Dover, Walnut Terrace aka Walnut “Terrorist”… We’ve NEVER… been a gang bang city, we’ve been a rep your hood city, so why everybody wanna gang bang now?

  • RudNare

    “I don’t have any sisters, and even if I did, they’d be the most hideous women evar (obvs), but I’ve always wondered about guys with really hot sisters. It has to at least cross your mind at some point, right?”

    ‘Eeeeew!’ *grins* ‘U going for the jugular with this one, aren’t U?!’ :)

  • rockcity

    Dont hate on little Diggy. In fact, that “Made You Look” joint is pretty hot and lyrical taking in mind that hes only 15 and raised with alot of $. I mean, with all that money, he coulda just rapped about hoes, money or his old man.

    But he didnt, nah. So give lil Diggy a chance, and if he fails, let the hate begin. =)

  • Joe

    smh at the level of co-sign in here. Corny a$$ nggas

  • Jhon da Analyst

    Diggy!!

  • HNIC

    I’m actually impressed that Bol is actually admitting publicly that he finds two black women attractive. This is a first!

  • OG Matt Herbz

    Yo why all the roof-top scenes got a fuckin pube right in the middle of the lens?

    Answer me that…

    –OG Matt Herbz–

    • carmelhoney

      @Matt Herbz

      Are u on Twitter?

  • Prince Caesar

    Funny as Hell..!

  • Caino

    After a few shakey blogs, bol is back ….no oedipus lol