Don’t tell me Jamie Foxx is on the DL
“I heard you were the real Superhead.”
— Karrine “Superhead” Steffans to Jamie Foxx, that time Superhead was on Foxxhole Radio
Crap, not another prominent black man on the DL.
I should have known, back when Superhead let that shit slip, that she had some dirt on Jamie Foxx, just like she had that dirt on Big Tigger. I would have looked further into it at the time, but it honestly didn’t occur to me – probably because I’m in denial about so many prominent black men being on the DL. No homo. So many of our proudest brothers have turned out to be closet cases that my brain just can’t stand it anymore. I’m the straight equivalent of that woman you see on COPS who swears she fell down a flight of stairs, when she obviously just got the crap kicked out of her by her fat, drunk redneck husband. Another famous black guy is a brownie hound? I’m not trying to hear it.
I was only reminded that Jamie Foxx might be on the DL just now, when I heard audio of yesterday’s Howard Stern Show, where Howard, who’s been beefing with Jamie’s Foxxhole Radio re: his comments about how Gabba Ray Sebadoh will never have a real career in Hollywood, suggested that he has dirt on Jamie that Jamie might not want out there, then proceeded to riff on the curious title of Jamie’s radio show. Obviously, that was his way of suggesting to the audience that Jamie takes it up the coat, without actually saying it – especially since they had George Takei in the studio yesterday, and he’s very sensitive about that kind of thing. He’s a real fag about it.
The real question is whether or not Howard has any real dirt on Jamie, other than just hearsay, the size of his lips, the fact that he used to dress up like a woman on In Living Color (I know the drag thing is some of the main proof against Tyler Perry), so on and so forth. I wouldn’t put it past Howard Stern to come up with something, even if he doesn’t have anything at present. He’s resourceful like that. He got three of Tiger Woods better-looking jumpoffs to compete in a beauty pageant, showing off their stripper-like bodies in tiny bathing suits and describing Tiger’s needy to say the least sexual appetites in graphic detail, when none of these other media outlets could get more than one of them at a time. Plus he’s desperate. His show has obviously been in a state of decline ever since he went to satellite radio. It’s cool that he can curse, and have chicks ride the Sybian and what have you – but his audience is way smaller than it used to be, so he can’t get very many a-list guests. And things have just been kinda weird and sad ever since Artie pulled an Elliott Smith on his chest, just to have an excuse not to wake up so early.
Howard might try to find a guy who claims he fucked Jamie Foxx in the ass, even if Jamie drops this silly little beef they’ve been having, just because he could use the publicity. Especially if he’s seriously contemplating re-upping with Sirius. I never can tell with him. Of course he wouldn’t want to let on that he’s interested in extending his contract, before they agree on an amount, and I’m pretty sure his supposed talks with the American Idol people were mostly just about fucking with Sirius. But I doubt Sirius could pay him anything like what they paid him back in ’06 (a veritable fuckton) even if they wanted to. Haven’t they been like thisclose to going out of business ever since? And Howard’s cachet just plain isn’t what it was going on five years ago. If ever he was considering bowing out gracefully, this would be the time. A post-2010 Howard Stern would be like Jordan wearing the 45, getting pwned (or whatever the basketball terminology is) by Allen Iverson. The fact that he’s even carrying on like he has been lets me know he’s willing to go to certain lengths to protect his career, and hence his ego.
Jamie Foxx therefore finds himself in the odd position of having to decide whether to keep on with Howard Stern. Normally, it would be a no brainer: If you’re beefing with a guy, and the guy suggests he’s got proof you’re teh ghey, and you know good and well no such proof exists, of course you’re going to call his bluff. But I’m sure Jamie’s handlers would insist that his best move at this point is to not acknowledge it one way or the other. If the Faurisson affair (google it) has taught us anything, its that some battles you just plain don’t want to enter into. Even if you win, people are gonna wonder why you were fighting in the first place. I’d never suspected anything about Jamie Foxx, despite the size of his lips, Wanda, the naked pictures of him that keep turning up on the Internets, so on and so forth, until Howard Stern said he had some dirt on him. I consulted the Google, and wouldn’t you know there’s page after page of salty hoodrats coming up with conspiracy theories having to do with some teh ghey who was supposedly stalking him, some teh ghey guy who sexually assaulted him in a club, some teh ghey guy he supposedly beat up in a hotel room…
That’s a lot of coincidences.