The search for the next Lil Wayne continues

Lil Wayne being shipped off to the pokey this week, just in time for Valentines Day, serves to highlight the fact that the TIs have yet to come up with a suitable replacement. Some rappers have managed to co-opt his drugged-out fake gangbanger image, while other rappers have come up with their own versions of his retarded music, but none of them have succeeded in making very many people give a shit. What gives?

If it wasn’t already clear the Gucci Mane was being positioned by the TIs to replace Lil Wayne while the latter went off the deep end on drugs and ended up in jail, it should be clear from the new issue of XXL, which I stumbled upon the other day in Borders. They’ve got him dressed just like Lil Wayne has been dressed on any number of magazine covers he’s been on in the past few years, including seemingly every third issue of XXL, i.e. shirtless and not particularly health-looking, covered in tattoos and jewelry that just looks silly.

Of course it didn’t help matters that Lil Wayne is on the cover of the current issue of Rolling Stone, and of course Rolling Stone is on the same rack as XXL, along with the three or four other music magazines still in print these days. It’ll be interesting to see which one of those issues sells better than the other. I know XXL and Rolling Stone sometimes beef over the artists on their covers. Like when 50 Cent and Kanye West both had albums coming out the same day, and they both opted to go pose for the white man rather than XXL, which is only white in the sense that it’s owned and operated by white people.

Putting Gucci Mane on the cover of the March issue probably seemed like a good ideal last fall, or whenever they came up with it, back before his album didn’t sell nearly as well you might think, given the coverage it’s received in the New York Times, and before – as it turned out – he ended up having to do a bid himself. Which obviously hasn’t helped matters any, business-wise. He should have had his lawyers see about getting him the most convenient sentence possible for his career, like T.I. got. Yeah, it might have led to rumblings that he told on somebody, but lest we forget he killed one of Young Jeezy’s weed carriers. That’s gotta count for something, right? Who has T.I. ever killed?

[I came up with a really awful joke here, but I decided not to use it, because I'm trying to be a better person.]

Drake doesn’t have Lil Wayne’s look, but he does have Lil Wayne’s sound, albeit a lamer, whitewashed version of it. He’s like the Pat Boone to Lil Wayne’s Little Richard (extra nullus) – which is fascinating both in the sense that shit like that is still going on 50-plus years after the fact, and in the sense that there might be a correlation between LCD rappers and older black musicians adopting Lil and Young monikers that I’d yet to consider. There were blues musicians named Young Something or Other, right? I might have to consult Noz’ formspring.

If only Drake could look at all presentable posing on the cover of a magazine with his shirt off, he’d have something approaching the complete package. No homo. But something tells me that’s not gonna happen. Drake obviously doesn’t have very strong genes. I saw a picture of him and his mother on the red carpet at the Grammys, and she looked like a broke Estelle Getty. Which only served to make him look even more like Bea Arthur. I know…. who am I to talk? I look like your grandpa looked right before he died, and I might even wear the same clothes. But I earned these health issues from years of hard living. Drake hasn’t even been alive long enough to do this kind of damage. And yet he can hardly sing “Best I Ever Had” on stage without fucking up his knee.

Oddly enough, the only other rap-related magazine cover at the Borders I was at the other day was the new issue of Complex, with Drake on one side, and my future ex-wife Michelle Trachtenberg on the other side. They keep Complex with the men’s magazines rather than with the rap magazines, so they had them all turned to the side with the good-looking pussy on it. But even if they didn’t, that probably would have been the best move. That Drake cover is one of the gayer things I’ve seen in my life. Not that I’ve (purposely) seen anything gay. I’m just saying. They’ve actually got him emerging from a rainbow. And then, as if it wasn’t already clear that those d-bags at Complex are playing a cruel trick on him, the cover line reads something to the effect of, “Is Drake just a bunch of hype?”

Drake prides himself on having received a $2 million deal from the TIs without any assistance from the TIs, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean, but he might need to see if they can’t get him a publicist. They can’t just have him looking any old way. This Complex cover is just the latest in a growing backlash I’ve noticed having to do with him being kind of a fruit. First there was that motivational poster of him in a wheelchair I put together. Then another white rapper called him a studio gangster. Then someone turned up a picture of him from his high school yearbook looking like a member of the physics club (physics club). Then there was that special Children of Degrassi Street episode of MTV Cribs, with his grandma spitting a hot 16. (No, really.)

I shudder to think what’s next.

  • rILES

    LOL @ Drake’s mom looking like one of the Golden Girls.

  • b

    well they can’t all be winners

  • http://www.bboycult.com The $ykotic Don Mac

    “And yet he can hardly sing “Best I Ever Had” on stage without fucking up his knee”

    ^ ROFFLESBERGER

  • http://www.myspace.com/mckeenkni14 CIGAA

    Classic

  • http://Pierzy11@gmail.com Pierzy

    “[I came up with a really awful joke here, but I decided not to use it, because I'm trying to be a better person.]”

    ^^^^^^^^^^^
    Boo to growth and maturity. Booooooo!

    • Worley

      I want to hear that awful joke too.

      Drake is p*ssy. He looks like the type of dude that will get slapped and say some sh*t like “what did I do?” It makes you just want to slap him again.

      And co-sign giantstepp.

  • http://www.definitelyeatinb.tumblr.com B

    You didn’t realize the light-skinned martian look is coming back?

  • biggamike

    Wayne and Drake….2 rappers that are actually softer than Kanye(closet gay). Wow. Never thought I’d see the day when gay niggas were on top of the rap game.

  • nicholasdelorejo

    Drake does have a lot to worry about these days. I had a feeling he was really supposed to be Chris Brown’s replacement after the incident. Both him and Chris are light skinted, rappers that sing(or autotune) and can generate a girl fan base. There was even a rumor that he was dating Rihanna before he was signed. He was poised to do this if he had only released a solid LP. But after Chirs Brown performed at that BET SOS concert, I have a feeling that if Chris Brown continues to rebuild his career, Drake is going disappear as quickly as his hype appeared.

  • Broke Iz A Disease

    Then there was that special Children of Degrassi Street episode of MTV Cribs, with his grandma spitting a hot 16. (No, really.)

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    Someone please give me a link. i gotta see this.

    • rILES

      It’s on WSHH

  • giantstepp

    Good Drop Bol and Fuck Drake. Ok, I don’t really dont have a problem with dude, and he doesn’t totally suck on the MIC, but I am officially putting the middle finger up to any, and everybody that are forced fed to us w/out them earning their stripes! Nigga don’t even have an album out yet…

    • geico lizard

      Asher Roth and Drake havent earned shit. They just showed up out of nowhere with an entire industry giving them a pass, so I co-sign everything you said.

  • bxrich3

    co-sign giantstepp and biggamike

  • biggamike

    At least Kanye can actually rap, so it almost makes up for all of his flameboyance. But Drake, who people swear up and down can spit, comes with the same 1, maybe 2 flows on every song. Drake, in the immortal words of Pac…I REJECT YOUR DEPOSIT!!!(no funboy)

  • dat koon nigga

    DRAKE IS JEW MADE BY THE TI’S

    ALL YOU NIGROS ON THE NIGRONET

    DONT BELIEVE THE JEW DRIVEN HYPE

    ALSO HALF BREED WHITE JEWS COONS FROM CANADA SMELL LIKE WET DOG ON HEAT

  • sealsaa

    “my future ex-wife Michelle Trachtenberg”

    *Googles current pics of M.T.*

    Damn! When did she get hot?

    Michelle Trachtenberg and Jodie Sweetin>VERY fuckable former child stars.

  • El Tico Loco

    putting the middle finger up to any, and everybody that are forced fed to us w/out them earning their stripes!
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    And that right there is what bothers me about this cat. Shit even the Black Eyed Peas came up thru the ranks that’s why I ain’t mad at them. Call it hate if you want I’m an active member of Hata Phi Hata and could give two shits; ya’ll know that dude came out nowhere with a “hot” mixtape while cats like Stat Quo or BobbyCreek been puttin out heat and don’t get to see the light of day. Maybe we’re in a rap bizzarro world or the matrix.

    • DV8

      “And that right there is what bothers me about this cat. Shit even the Black Eyed Peas came up thru the ranks that’s why I ain’t mad at them. Call it hate if you want I’m an active member of Hata Phi Hata and could give two shits; ya’ll know that dude came out nowhere with a “hot” mixtape while cats like Stat Quo or BobbyCreek been puttin out heat and don’t get to see the light of day. Maybe we’re in a rap bizzarro world or the matrix.”

      Co muthafuckin sign!!!!

      Stat Quo dropped the best mixtapes of 09 and everybody slept on him again (he did it back in 00-02 as well)

  • http://www.bboycult.com The $ykotic Don Mac

    “putting the middle finger up to any, and everybody that are forced fed to us w/out them earning their stripes!”

    ^^^ Kudos for that yo…Drake better have a “Thriller” type of album on his hands or he will never hear the end of the “overrated” argument…and he has no one to thank for that but the over exposure that the industry gave him…

    • westcoastaggie

      That was So Far Gone

      • http://www.bboycult.com The $ykotic Don Mac

        I see what you’re saying but ain’t no way “So Far Gone” is like a “Thriller”.

        Son didn’t even make an “Off The Wall” yet.

        Perhaps that was a bad comparison for Drake’s half of it but the way he was put on the pedestal from the door, it’s gonna be a tough journey to try and fill those expectations.

  • http://www.emcdl.com EmCDL

    “Drake obviously doesn’t have very strong genes. I saw a picture of him and his mother on the red carpet at the Grammys, and she looked like a broke Estelle Getty. Which only served to make him look even more like Bea Arthur.”

    Gotdayum that shit had me rollin!

    I am not a fan of Drake at all. I remember downloading that mixtape of his awhile back to see what all the hype was about….horrible, just HORRIBLE. Ok, I’ll admit, he said some slick stuff here and there and some of the beats were pretty dope, but thats about it.

  • tensensi

    Bol is definitely not Illuminati.

  • http://wwww.justice.gov.za Chiliz

    Combat Jack might have stole the show in the Begining.
    With DP gone 4 mo’ greener pastures, it’s Bol all day,no homo.

  • caino

    ‘But I earned these health issues from years of hard living. Drake hasn’t even been alive long enough to do this kind of damage. And yet he can hardly sing “Best I Ever Had” on stage without fucking up his knee.’

    too funny!! spat out my coffee there! But Drake is over saturate dnow and he hasnt even dropped a proper album yet!! the Buzz is fading, the T.I’s missed their shot!

  • jdizzel3000

    people are still hatin this dude? i dont get it…