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Eminem’s dagger goes dull (nullus)

I understand a TI’s thought process to well to think that there would be all of these stories on MTV News about Eminem calling Adam Lambert a fag, if the TIs didn’t want there to be.

Keep in mind, this is the same MTV News that’s run at least one story a day on 50 Cent since 2003, but didn’t have anything to say about him taking Rick Ross’ kids to Floyd Mayweather’s house – the best thing 50 Cent has done since “Wanksta.” I don’t know if they just hire people with a peasant mentality, or if there are actual directives, but obviously shenanigans are at play. In this case, the TIs want Eminem to beef with the teh ghey community, to generate interest in Relapse 2.

I guess they figured it worked so well the first time around. I read just now that Eminem sold more albums this decade than anyone, including Elvis and the Beatles combined, and even Buhweet. There’s a news item on it on this site today. Elsewhere in my Google Reader there was an actual list of the top 10 best-selling albums this decade. The Beatles are #1, having sold over 11 million copies of the Beatles 1, or whatever it’s called, but Eminem had two albums in the top 5 – 2000′s the Marshall Mathers LP, and 2002′s the Eminem Show.

Those two albums coincided with Eminem’s beef with the teh ghey community. On “Criminal,” from the Marshall Mathers LP, Em compared his words to a dagger with a jagged edge, that will stab you in the head whether you’re a fag or lez. Obviously, he wasn’t threatening to stab any teh ghey people in the head, but you know how fruits like to pretend as if they don’t know how figurative language works, just to prove a point. Case in point, Moby, who came out against Eminem at the time. So on the Eminem Show Em called him a 36 year-old baldhead fag. To think, calling someone 36 was once an insult in hip-hop. Em himself is now 37.

The best was when fruits actually held a protest – or as Eli Porter would call it, a gay parade – outside the Grammys, where Em was nominated for a gang of awards for the Marshall Mathers LP. Then he brought out Elton John to sing the Dido part on “Stan.” What a surreal moment. I remember downloading the audio of it from Napster and cranking it on my old Compaq. Ah, the 2000s. Nullus. I was in college at the time, and I remember a teh ghey professor held a special meeting re: the Marshall Mathers LP, part of which included a conference call with his college “roommate,” Mike Elizondo, who played bass on the album. He told Elizondo to describe the recording of “Criminal,” and Elizondo described how Dre would force them to play the song over and over again, to make the keyboards more evil-sounding. He made it sound as if Dre was the real mastermind behind that song, offensive lyrics and all.

If only generating that level of controversy was still just a matter of a white rapper calling someone a fag. It’s been a while since I listened to it, even though I did enjoy it, but I seem to recall Relapse being way more offensive than the Marshall Mathers LP, paricularly with regard to homophobia. There was even that thing where Em let Sacha Baron Cohen teabag him at the MTV Movie Awards. But no one seemed to give a shit. Maybe if Em had beaten the crap out of Sacha Baron Cohen. Or at least pretended to. You know someone would have accused him of committing a hate crime, just because he beat the crap out of a guy for teabagging him. Then someone would have taken the time to listen to Relapse, noticed the homophobic content, and it would have been just like old times.

The thing is, that would have taken more effort than Eminem is willing to put forth these days. After all, the guy lives in a house with a motherfucking elevator, and not just because his respiratory problems make it difficult for him to climb the stairs. (Oh, right, that was the drugs…) Who gives a shit if Relapse sells one million copies, or two? Similarly, Em didn’t go so far as to actually call Adam Lambert a fag on “Elevator,” the song about how he lives in a house that has an elevator. It just kinda sounds like it, the way he spits the word “fake” at the end of one line, and the word “it” at the beginning of the next line. I’m assuming this was on purpose, because he knew they’d be sending out a press release this time. His handlers must have seen the controversy re: Adam Lambert kissing guys, feigning fellatio and what have you at the American Music Awards and figured this was their moment.

For all we know, there might not have been this stopgap EP release between Relapse and Relapse 2 otherwise. Since when has releasing a rap ever been a good idea, commercially? Remember when Lil Wayne had to put out that EP this time a couple of years ago? Tha Carter III sold a million copies its first week out. The Leak did Wale numbers, back before there was a such thing as Wale numbers. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Refill does the same, especially since something like half of it is already posted here in the Bangers section. If only Em had actually done something offensive.

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