The Ron Artest Show

This may be Captain Obvious moment of the year, but that aspiring rapster Ron Artest is an enigma to me. He consistently exhibits the behavior of a nigga who fucks with the Leon Isaac Kennedy; that Sherman Hemsley; The Love Boat; Cagney & Lacey; Silver Spoons; Alfonso Ribiero; The Fresh Prince. You get the idea. [Blogger’s Note: OK! Well, damn! You can make any old television show sound like a hallucinogen, can’t you?] One would think Artest is tweakin hard off that gutter butter—except, he’s not all sweaty and shit. This is a total Father Dowling Mystery to me. After my years in the projects becoming a fiendologist, I thought I had identifying niggas who liked to get wet down to a science. I mean, what other kind of nigga walks out onto the set of a nationally televised talk show wearing only underwear and acts like nothing’s out of order?

What was that? Pardon me. They’re not underwear. I’ve just been informed he was wearing shorts. What the fuck ever.

Maybe Artest isn’t as fucked up as we think he is. The man definitely has that gleam in his eye that indicates instability of Bizzy Bone proportions, but strangely enough, the Jimmy Kimmel Live interview features an Artest that’s calmer and more reserved than I’ve ever seen. Maybe that’s all the more cause for alarm. Perhaps Artest knows exactly where he is. As a Los Angeles Laker he can take full advantage of everything the TMZ generation has to offer. He introduces Lamar Odom to Frankenberry, drops these horrendous rap videos you can’t help but watch, and goes full-Rodman on late night television.

[Blogger’s Note: Thanks to the homie @EtherTweets for that Frankenberry crack. I’ll never look at Khloe Kardashian the same way again. That’s to say we go from full on disgust to “Bwaaahahahahaha!”]

Looks like someone’s laying foundation for The Ron Artest Show, or at least a career on television when basketball’s done. Sadly, I’m not sure if he’s aware that the joke is on him. We may not have known what to make of the sensitive and timely “Michael, Michael, Michael, You My Niggaaaaaaaaa!” But, shit like “Afghan Women” reaches that “Why Must I Cry”/”Cold in the D” level of heartfelt-but-awful. Reh Dogg seemed oblivious—or, at least impervious—to the fact that Daniel Tosh[.0] was making a jackhole out of him. T-Baby thought she was on a post-Grammy tour when in the throes of morning show shock jocks. They did her like Bumfight, except exposure was the half-eaten apple and rotten roast beef sandwich. Artest may believe he’s lining himself up for an ESPN or ABC job with these antics. He’d be lucky to come up on Flavor of Ron.

He could then do like Odom and abandon his family to wife some stranger without any of them knowing what’s going on until it hits Bossip. If it’s a white chick, it’ll side-eye onto Bossip instead. Because, as you all know, black women don’t end up alone because they don’t have their shit together. It’s because of all these good credit-having white bitches who give up that Becky quicker than a mongoose.

I digress a little, but the message remains. Niggas think being seen is all-important. Aspiring rapsters, take note. Exposure alone is not effective marketing or promotion, nor is it necessarily helpful to your cause. This is especially true when your dream is to be a successful musician. Shit. Ask 50 Cent. We laughed all year at Pimpin’ Curly. He’s been on a massive media barrage for a million and one reasons this quarter. Yet, Before I Self Destruct hasn’t exactly sold the way Jimmy and them would have liked.

[Blogger’s Note: Niggas hate. So, let 'em hate and watch excuses pile up.]

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving to all! Speaking of Bizzy Bone, I’ll be back this weekend with a very special installment of Negro Please. My daily SOHH patrol has brought a very strange and sad Bone Thugs-N-Harmony interview to my attention. I know it’s old, but it’s probably new to you and we should discuss the shit… especially before any more condoms self-destruct.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Slow nigga news cycle much?

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  • Tony Grands

    I’m disappointed in Ron. When he gave out his cell # on TMZ, I buckled my motherfucking seatbelt. Hell, I called the nigga to ask him who the fuck cuts his hair? But it was disconnected (maybe he was fucking with that Three’s Company over the summer after all).

    @ least he’s putting in work, & @ the end of the season, he’ll have himself a ring. & maybe, just maybe, he won’t pawn it for some of that Gimme A Break.

    @ least I have Starbury & AI to fall back on…[||]

    • Ron Mexico

      *dead* @ Gimme A Break!

      2 points!

  • A Rocket Named Ariza

    I was a steal.

  • Ron Mexico

    RIP allen iverson

    • Tony Grands

      Fuck all that pride & machismo @ this point. He should sit down with the Nets & talk stock options & such.

  • Jamal7Mile

    I been knew Ron was smoking that Amen ever since he decided to take on an arena full of Detroiters at that basketball game.

  • latino heat

    when Artest was playing in Sacramento the last few years his kids and my girls, cousins kids played on the same little league hoop team. their kids used to sleep over each others houses and all that. her cousin and her husband both always said Ron (as they referred to him) was a real cool and normal dude, real hands on with his kids and always donated a ton of money to the kids basketball league.

    Mex’s theory about Artest being in L.A. now and feeling he has to play the hollywood roll is probably accurate. he’s probably just planting the seeds for his post NBA career. in some form of entertainment. hopefully not music related.

  • GIBZ

    hahaha good shit Mex. Artest always seemed a little off to me. But then again it seems as if he does it just to keep his name in ppl’s mouths. It’s kinda see through. At the same time though, he def has to be fuckin with that Mr. Belvedere, ‘cus only a nigga fuckin wit that Family Ties would think coming out in his boxers was funny. Artest needs to put the Growing Pains away, and think of a new way to get that post-NBA career going.

    LOL and its a shame though, but u def right on that RIP for A.I. Behind the scenes homie, behind the scenes!

    • Tony Grands


      “‘cus only a nigga fuckin wit that Family Ties would think coming out in his boxers was funny…”

      ^^Word. When I used to drink (pron: Alcoholism), I’d answer the door in my boxers all the time. Cats be like, “Damn Tony, put on some pants!”, to which I’d respond, “Fuck you, I’m drunk”.

      Good times.

  • Brooklyn

    i always thought that ron was doing that what’s happening, i thought it was probably steroids, he seemed all unstable and shit for no reason. coming out on national tv in his drawers? now that’s some straight up addict shit right there, i know niggas smoking that chico and the man that be outside in wifebeaters and boxers when it’s twenty degrees trying to sell you a broken toaster with some moldy bread inside for ten dollars. let this be a warning to all you kids out there, just say no to happy days

  • Ron Mexico

    y’all seriously got me dying with the tv pseudonyms!!!

    you negroes (black and otherwise) are alright with me!

  • Tony Grands

    “…just say no to happy days”

    1, 2, 3 o’clock, 4 o’clock ROCK, 5, 6, 7 o’clock, 8 o’clock ROCK, 9, 10, 11 o’clock 12 ROCK.

    See how they get you….

    • Brooklyn

      it’s them subliminal messages. and they wonder why that generation got so excited when crack came out.

  • Mr B

    He must be fucking with that sanford and son

  • latino heat

    i’m surprised nobody went with the obvious and said he was off that Different Strokes.

    Happy Thanksgiving ya’ll!

    let us celebrate the Natives being raped and pillaged for their land by gorging ourselves and watching the Lions get blown out.

  • capcobra

    don’t sleep..he might be on that martin.

    • POLOhead SCO

      What about that goddamn Barney Miller mane?

  • guttaman


    why people keep sayin BISD flopped? its only been out for little more than a week. plus 159,000 sounds like a hellOF a lot of sales to me.


    Damn. ya’ll niggaz got me ROFL!!! i didnt even make it half-way down the comments before some shit came out my nose. lol.

    Family Ties
    fuckin Happy Days



    ron ron has done it again this shit is killing me. “gutter butter” those words right there just puts random thoughts in my brain lmao.
    “After my years in the projects becoming a fiendologist, I thought I had identifying niggas who liked to get wet down to a science.”
    well don’t get yourself down ron you don’t see him every day some people only get fucked at certain times. for instance my friend his mom she like that candy but she only does it on the weekend late night. now if you don’t see her late night on weekends you would nver know.
    “He introduces Lamar Odom to Frankenberry” that is so fucked up but it’s funny as hell more like frankenstein and frankenberry.

  • Moving Sideways

    These T.V. references are killer. A couple more to start my work week.

    H.M. Murdock
    Barney Fife
    Cliff Clavin

    • Ron Mexico

      fuckin’ wit’ dat cliff claven is getting used

  • Lowedwn

    this is hilarious

    What about that Sinbad? You know that shit that takes you all the way up, right before you proceed to fall all the way off. I think the kids are calling it that Katt Williams nowadays.

    What about that Jesse Spannow(Saved By the Bell)?

    And is 30 Rock just too obvious?

  • DV8

    what about that ALF? or that 227? nigg was definately on that Different World. maybe that Geraldo too.

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