Grand Theft Auto V: Loso’s Way

Fabolous has been long overdue for one of these. Dude has garnered himself an automatic berth in 2010’s DDN of the Year competition without making an individual NP appearance this year. His rap-flavored blog-renowned Twitter stream is kinda like Chopper Suit, in that it has a life and reputation of its own. F-A-B-O can finally take in some of the potential glory for himself as the most wonderful time of the NP year creeps up. It’ll be March Madness before you know it.

[Blogger’s Note: "Rap-flavored", as if to say black gossip blogs are hip-hop blogs. For shame.]

For those who are not aware, Fabolous has been implicated in the theft of a rare Lamroghini Gallardo Spyder from an Atlanta hotel. At the time of the theft last year, it was one of only two in the United States. By now I’m sure Akon has 7 of them in his ivory living room. But, that’s neither here nor there. Apparently, some valet just surrendered the keys to this magnificent penile extension to some of Fab’s entourage. Long story short, there’s been a struggle to recover the vehicle and Fabolous is adhering to the G-code by not talking. Y’all saw that video where he had the girls on National Geographic status working his unspecified drug package. The man is Nino fucking Brown, clearly.

The fact that John Jackson is both Fabolous’ name and that of the victim’s attorney is kind of awesome. It makes me think of these mental cases who shoot up a public area and represent themselves in court. Colin Ferguson would shit himself if he’d known he could represent himself and the plaintiff! I know Fabolous isn’t doing that. Though, I’m sure he could dazzle any jury with a multi-syllabic rhyme scheme defense over a jazzy, lovesick instrumental.

Thanks to Fabolous and the assclowns he calls employees, the Intercontinental in Buckhead “is taking several measures, including heightening security.” Here comes the bullshit. We know what this means. Not to make this a race issue, but “heightening security” makes me think negroes are going to have to show three forms of identification—driver’s license, freed slave papers and asshole—to get their fancy jig cars back. It’s not like Fabolous and his platoon of Desert Storm Troopers pulled off some tactical mission to lift a rare Lambo from a well-guarded vehicle stronghold. The valet handed the keys to limited-edition eye-talian sportscar to some porch monkeys he probably thought were in the NBA or some shit.

What kind of security measures does a hotel need in order to prevent this sort of thing? They need to fire Jerry Lewis and hire competent valets, not call in the Army Reserves and put the Intercontinental on brown alert. Besides, someone’s gonna get fucked the fuck up when Josh Smith of the Atlanta Hawks has a hard time getting his prized sterntmobile after a hard night of slamming down postgame groupies. Don’t let Fabolous’ silly up-top negro minions be the reason you lose all that wealthy black business Atlanta prides itself on. The National Association for the Embarrassment of Colored Folk will be all over it. Once Tyler Perry tells Madea’s many children to boycott your venue, it’s over.

Has anyone given thought to the notion that the valet was in on the jux? I saw a special on the telly-vision once where they put hidden cameras in some of these valeted cars. Valets do grimy shit! These guys caught on camera searched every crack and crevice of their assigned cars looking for money, jewelry, credit cards and stray Chee-tos. That’s why I never use valet. Granted, the only time I’m ever somewhere with a valet is when the XXL check comes a little early and I sternt hard at the occasional seafood house. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a valet’s face when a nigga drives right past him into an open parking spot, locks up, hands him a crispy Washington and George Jefferson walks into the crab house.

Where Fabolous went wrong was when he failed to roll up a newspaper and beat the Dax wave pomade off of his weed carriers when they showed up in a stolen Lambo. Instead, he probably offers the niggas a place to park the shit for a year. Fabolous can’t claim ignorance here. He knows damn well niggas paid in kush shake can’t so much as rent the floormats of a vehicle like that.

I love how the rightful owner and authorities are still looking for the sportscar. Consider that shit a missing girl. It’s already been broken in and re-sold into slavery, if you’re lucky. However, it would be awesome if the polices obtain a search warrant, open up Fabolous’ garage door and find a shivering, abused Gallardo with one hell of a story to tell.

If cars could talk, that shit would probably say “I’ve been filled to capacity with chicken bones and blunt guts over the course of this past year. Please get me to the care of a respectable owner… Puerto Ricans are lazy, Michael.”

Air-tight G-code procedure aside—because even Nino dropped dime to save his own ass—I don’t think Fabolous can cooperate with them folk without giving himself up. I guess there’s an immunity package on the table for him, provided his testimony is good money. But, I’m willing to bet the weed carriers can produce photo or video evidence of Fabolous taking a ride in the Lambo to shop until he drops. Somebody could create a Twitter account full of ass-in-Lambo seat twitpics that burn Fabolous right back.

Aspiring rapsters, take note. Discipline your weed carriers. Onlookers, take note. A rapster’s weed carriers will only be as morally sound as the rapster dictates. That’s to say Fabolous didn’t raise these niggas right and probably delighted in the forbidden fruit himself. Seriously, people. I’m sure Akon has one or two of those lying around that he’s already tired of and willing to part with at a sub-market rate. He’ll probably throw in a functional Chevron pump.

Damn. This is not how Fabolous wants to be added to the 2009 Rapster Rapture. I say throw him in the bag for ignorance alone.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Can’t you see this entire scenario playing out animated in some commercial? ron@ronmexicocity.com

  • BIGSCREECH

    The mans from brooklyn. What else would you expect.

  • HERM

    Whewww, man, too funny!

  • http://dasteamwerkmusik.blogspot.com bollocks

    The valet HAD to be in on the jux. When someone pulls up in a Lambo, you damn well remember their face, hoping for a tip that exceeds the usual 10-dollar tip limit of most of these nouveau-riche poseurs. Shit, most mothafuckas would be out there waxing the shit themselves. You do NOT just misplace dude’s keys, and you CERTAINLY DO NOT give them to someone else.

    And if Fabo tries to claim innocent ignorance on this shit, someone should take away his black card just on GP. Can’t be fake-flossing in some stolen shit when you have that black plastic in your wallet.

    Also – LOLz at the Night Rider drop. I gotta say, though, the thought of blunt guts and chicken bones filling up the inside of that Gallardo makes me want to cry.

    PS – How the fuck is the hotel gonna be like, “oh yeah, trust us – we got you on that Lambo.” Word? Your hotel is that ballin? This ain’t Dubai, people…

  • that nigga

    If cars could talk, that shit would probably say “I’ve been filled to capacity with chicken bones and blunt guts over the course of this past year. Please get me to the care of a respectable owner… Puerto Ricans are lazy, Michael.”
    :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
    CLASSIC

  • Enlightened

    I just watched that “My Workplace” Nino Brown fantasy video. I had never saw that.

    It’s irritatin’ how that nigga pronounces words by throwin a random “h” in front of words with a vowel (Jay-Z does it every once and a while, Lloyd Banks too). What the fuck is that?

    “Hi don’t know where the Lambo is”

    “Hall I know is what the internet is sayin”

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    Good weed & brown liquor + watching ‘Gone In Sixty Seconds’ between Tweets =

  • The Fedz

    I actually stayed at the intercontinental buckhead in July. All the Valets were Africans, on the last day of our stay we lost our valet card. It took damn near a hour to get the keys out of them. They wanted a copy of both our licenses and made us sign that this was our car. I remember thinking, all this for a expedition that you’ve seen me in and out of for 4 days now. To top it off you park all the nice cars in the front, if I wanted to steal I’d take the bentley our phantom over there. I guess I know why now.

  • latino heat

    this shit was too funny Mex.

    did the girls in the video really have to be baby oiled up to package his shit? or is he just so gangsta that he likes to look at oiled up titties when he goes to oversee his operation? “bitch if i can’t see my reflection in your titties when i get there it’s gonna be some shit!”

    you would think if you have paid that much for a car you would pay the extra few hundred bucks for On Star. i’m pretty sure their policy is if they don’t find your vehicle in 24 hrs they pay you for the cost of the whole car.

  • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

    Gotta be the valet. I just can’t see Fab being a willing participant to this. That’s just toooo dumb! Only 2 Gallardos in the country? Naaah, not Fab.

  • Lowedwn

    You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a valet’s face when a nigga drives right past him into an open parking spot, locks up, hands him a crispy Washington and George Jefferson walks into the crab house.

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    Mexxico…my nigga. That shit right there is the negro equivalent to running with the Olypic torch, lmao.

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    Yo this whole scenario is crazy son!

    Ain’t this the same sh*t Redman was doing in that “Coc Back” video???

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Yo I can’t even finish…too funny…

  • BIGNAT

    ron ron you have done it again another killer post. the say they have camera footage i guess not enough because if they did. why don’t they have pics of the people who got into the vehicle. instead they know his boys took it and his van is following it but he is not in the car. sounds like a set up for real to me if they had all that proof he would be locked up right now.
    “Not to make this a race issue, but “heightening security” makes me think negroes are going to have to show three forms of identification—driver’s license, freed slave papers and asshole—to get their fancy jig cars back.”
    no more like you know how they take pictures and hang them up in stores of people stealing. now all black folks who go to that spot going get there pics taken as they exit there vehicle. no mr jim jones that 06 range rover is yours not the 09.
    “Besides, someone’s gonna get fucked the fuck up when Josh Smith of the Atlanta Hawks has a hard time getting his prized sterntmobile after a hard night of slamming down postgame groupies.” the hawks off to a good start but who the fuck watches basketball until feb
    “You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a valet’s face when a nigga drives right past him into an open parking spot, locks up, hands him a crispy Washington and George Jefferson walks into the crab house.” my dad has done that alot of time minus giving up the money. i would always ask why don’t you let those guys take the car. he would say i don’t need to pay someone to do something i could do myself.
    “He knows damn well niggas paid in kush shake can’t so much as rent the floormats of a vehicle like that” LMAO kush shake
    “I’ve been filled to capacity with chicken bones and blunt guts over the course of this past year. Please get me to the care of a respectable owner” you forgot to add corona and palo viejo bottles hahahahha

  • BGZ

    He jus’ borrowed it…

  • Brooklyn

    them brevoort project niggas is crazy, period. and there’s no point in them even looking for that damned car, that shit is chopped up and currently rests in junkyards and garages throughout the 5 boroughs. these is bed-stuy niggas we talking about, they can strip a car in under five minutes and haul ass with anything of value in that motherfucker, leaving that shit just a shell with crushed st. ides cans on the inside.

  • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

    “You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a valet’s face when a nigga drives right past him into an open parking spot, locks up, hands him a crispy Washington and George Jefferson walks into the crab house.”
    ^^ holy shit!!! that was fucking hilarious. LMAO

    this whole shit got me in tears yo. LMAO!!!

  • http://www.veoh.com/watch/v10546384gPgZJ2R?autoDownload=true&h1=Fabulous+Foot+Massage+Massage2007.com asian erotic girl massage

    I think this is one of the most important info for me. And i am glad reading your article. But should remark on few general things, The web site style is wonderful, the articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers

  • http://www.break.com/usercontent/2009/2/Asian-version-of-Touch-My-Body-in-English-with-Engrish-subtitles-673906 sexy asian bobs massage video

    Magnificent beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your web site, how could i subscribe for a blog web site? The account aided me a acceptable deal. I had been a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided bright clear concept

  • http://lwig.tk/AngelaWabu fashion

    I loved as much as you’ll receive carried out right here. The sketch is attractive, your authored subject matter stylish. nonetheless, you command get bought an nervousness over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come further formerly again since exactly the same nearly very often inside case you shield this hike.

  • http://tagza.com/user/view/history/login/ddeserres Wilson Airola

    Hello there, just became alert to your blog through Google, and found that it is really informative. I am gonna watch out for brussels. I’ll be grateful if you continue this in future. Many people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

  • http://wside.dk/bookmarks.php/washa Bryon Muthig

    Simply want to say your article is as amazing. The clearness in your post is simply spectacular and i could assume you are an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission allow me to grab your feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please carry on the gratifying work.