As you may already know, DMX has dropped out of this coming December’s Alabama Pride MMA event we’ve been cracking on for a while now. I was just about to let out a sigh of relief until I found out Coolio replaced DMX in the upcoming debacle. Clearly this event requires at least one dope fiend participant.
Thunder Promotions must really have a formula in place here. DMX wisely dropped out, as the company refused to “ensure his safety” or script a DMX victory. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that there’s never a fix in place during MMA events, but X probably had this shit confused with WWE. I bet this nigga was wondering why Vince McMahon hadn’t talked to him about contract and dressing room requirements.
Thankfully, DMX drops out in a haze of confusion as large as the one surrounding his entry. However, as abruptly as the Dark Man exits the scene, Coolio enters. I wonder if Coolio had his eye on this shit from day one. I wouldn’t be surprised if Coolio was the one who talked X out of participating. I saw Gang Warz on cable. Only 2 things can stop Coolio’s diabolical manipulation: Chino XL and a delayed shipment from Tijuana.
As you all know, I’m opposed to bumfights. But, I can’t lie about there being a moderate interest brewing regarding the outcome of a Coolio MMA contest. This bout boasts an amphetamine guarantee. Coolio’s not only going to sniff and/or smoke some cocaine before the match. He’s going to dip his hands in a bowl of it, splash it around and toss a handful into the air like LeBron James. Who wouldn’t want to see that shit forever, babe?
I don’t know why anyone would pay for a ticket to watch this event, though. Because Coolio is involved, you can rest assured the match will be available in its entirety on one of his many straight-to-Ewe Toube reality programs. I just hope Coolio comes out in his pirate outfit.
Hopefully this turn of events means DMX is re-evaluating his life and path. Though, I’d put a few dollars on DMX waiting by the phone for a call from Vince McMahon to this very day. As you know, money aside, X would love nothing more than to go a good 12 minutes in a cage match with The Rock.
Questions? Comments? Requests? I got two words for you… firstname.lastname@example.org
P.S.: My apologies for former No Limit rapper, Fiend. Your namesake truly deserves better.
P.P.S.: What the fuck?! Is this incarceration week or some shit?!