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Are you gellin’, Shakur?

You fruits will have to forgive me for not going in re: Shakur back when she was blogging for this site.

As I explained on my own site the other day, there’s was a period of about three weeks last summer when I just wasn’t able to check the Internets as often. I was in and out of town, going to a family reunion, and Lollapalooza. It used to be the case that, when I went out of town, I’d drag my laptop with me and have to hole up somewhere with free wifi for hours on end, working on posts for this site and my own site. That’s was back before my writing skills were as strong as they are now. These days, I’ll pull something out of my ass in 30 minutes flat and be done with it. No fishsticks. I don’t care if it is a slow news day. Paging through Google Reader and reading other people’s blogs is another story. It’s hard enough doing that at home, where my free time is limited only by a fat man’s need for rest, and the occasional shift at the BGM.

Then there was the fact that the name Shakur, which, from what I understand, is her given name (her Christian name, so to speak), sounds kinda African, thus leading me to believe that she might be one of these women who didn’t have any business appearing in XXL’s Eye Candy section. You know how the quality of women there tends to vary wildly. And don’t even get me started on the women who appear in this site’s occasional Web Candy feature, who must just be women who blew someone who works for XXL. If XXL needs me to recommend some women, I’ll do it. For a small fee, natch. I’m pretty sure Kanye West has discovered the hoo-ers from his last several videos just by reading my blog. I might even do it for free, for my own personal amusement. Isn’t that what blogging is all about?

When I mentioned the other day that the name Shakur threw me off, some broad on Twitter tried to give me shit, probably pissed that I wouldn’t want to have sex with her. Girls are always upset to find out I don’t like them, regardless of whether or not they like me. You should see the fallout from my list, the other day, of the 10 most beautiful women in the world. I’ll admit, I was wrong about Shakur. I stumbled upon a picture of her over at Sandra Rose, and I was taken aback. I later found out that it was one of the pictures from the time she was in XXL, with the watermark removed, leading me to somewhat regret not signing up for the free subscription I was offered. When the late, great Jackpot hit me up, wanting to know my address, I thought it might have been a matter of Trick Trick or somebody trying to find out where I live, like he did Ron Mexico.

Sandra Rose, of course, can’t stand Shakur. She posted an email someone (a bored hoodrat, I’m sure) sent her, talking about how Shakur’s  nose, cans and ass are fake, and how she got cast in the “Best I Ever Had” video the old fashioned way, i.e. by letting Drake and Kanye hit it. If the latter is true, I’m so jealous. As far as the former, it’s hard to say. More and more often Sandra Rose is claiming these hoo-ers have fake asses. The other day, for example, there was a controversy over whether or not Nicki Minaj wears “butt pads.” I’d just assume she was kind of an all around plumper. Or thick, to use the preferred euphemism. But I guess someone turned up a picture where her ass almost looks like a white chick’s ass. Er, a white chick’s ass in 2009.

Then there’s my boo Ashley Logan. Word on the street is that she had some kind of gel pumped into her ass, and that’s also what they’re saying about Shakur. I could kinda believe it, when it comes to Ashley Logan. Her ass is so ridonkulously big, and not particularly well-shapen. If there was such a technology that involved pumping gel into a woman’s ass (no Boutros), that’s about what I’d expect the result to look like. Which is not to say that I wouldn’t try to talk any women I get with into having a little gel pumped into her ass. Especially since a woman I get with might not be naturally built like a brick shithouse. If this ass gel procedure really exists, the result is way more naturalistic than breast implants – this despite the fact that breast implants have been around since like the ’60s.

And as it turns out, this supposed ass gel is not the only thing Shakur and Ashley Logan have in common. You’ll recall that, a while back, I received a series of emails from someone, who supposedly dated Ashley Logan, back when she was just some ghetto strippers. Or rather, a few years ago. In one of them. he claimed that she gave him herpes. This ultimately led to a segment on Kay Slay’s show on Sirius satellite radio, and a popular video on World Star Hip Hop, in which Ashley Logan ethered. If I never end up doing anything other than talking shit about rap music on the Internets, it will almost certainly end up being one of my life’s crowning achievement. But it wasn’t the last time someone would email me claiming they caught VD from one of these video hoes. Just this morning (at 5:30 in the morning, actually), I got a guy claiming he got genital warts from Shakur.

If only I’d had to the time to blog about Shakur, and thus set this chain of events in motion, this summer. Maybe I could have found out about her health issues in time to have her respond to it on this site. With my reach as a popular hip-hop blogger (nhjic), and just based on the law of averages, I could probably do a post any number of these video hoes, and guys emailing me talking about how they gave them some sort of VD. On a long enough timeline, I suppose I probably will.

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