Are you gellin’, Shakur?

You fruits will have to forgive me for not going in re: Shakur back when she was blogging for this site.

As I explained on my own site the other day, there’s was a period of about three weeks last summer when I just wasn’t able to check the Internets as often. I was in and out of town, going to a family reunion, and Lollapalooza. It used to be the case that, when I went out of town, I’d drag my laptop with me and have to hole up somewhere with free wifi for hours on end, working on posts for this site and my own site. That’s was back before my writing skills were as strong as they are now. These days, I’ll pull something out of my ass in 30 minutes flat and be done with it. No fishsticks. I don’t care if it is a slow news day. Paging through Google Reader and reading other people’s blogs is another story. It’s hard enough doing that at home, where my free time is limited only by a fat man’s need for rest, and the occasional shift at the BGM.

Then there was the fact that the name Shakur, which, from what I understand, is her given name (her Christian name, so to speak), sounds kinda African, thus leading me to believe that she might be one of these women who didn’t have any business appearing in XXL’s Eye Candy section. You know how the quality of women there tends to vary wildly. And don’t even get me started on the women who appear in this site’s occasional Web Candy feature, who must just be women who blew someone who works for XXL. If XXL needs me to recommend some women, I’ll do it. For a small fee, natch. I’m pretty sure Kanye West has discovered the hoo-ers from his last several videos just by reading my blog. I might even do it for free, for my own personal amusement. Isn’t that what blogging is all about?

When I mentioned the other day that the name Shakur threw me off, some broad on Twitter tried to give me shit, probably pissed that I wouldn’t want to have sex with her. Girls are always upset to find out I don’t like them, regardless of whether or not they like me. You should see the fallout from my list, the other day, of the 10 most beautiful women in the world. I’ll admit, I was wrong about Shakur. I stumbled upon a picture of her over at Sandra Rose, and I was taken aback. I later found out that it was one of the pictures from the time she was in XXL, with the watermark removed, leading me to somewhat regret not signing up for the free subscription I was offered. When the late, great Jackpot hit me up, wanting to know my address, I thought it might have been a matter of Trick Trick or somebody trying to find out where I live, like he did Ron Mexico.

Sandra Rose, of course, can’t stand Shakur. She posted an email someone (a bored hoodrat, I’m sure) sent her, talking about how Shakur’s  nose, cans and ass are fake, and how she got cast in the “Best I Ever Had” video the old fashioned way, i.e. by letting Drake and Kanye hit it. If the latter is true, I’m so jealous. As far as the former, it’s hard to say. More and more often Sandra Rose is claiming these hoo-ers have fake asses. The other day, for example, there was a controversy over whether or not Nicki Minaj wears “butt pads.” I’d just assume she was kind of an all around plumper. Or thick, to use the preferred euphemism. But I guess someone turned up a picture where her ass almost looks like a white chick’s ass. Er, a white chick’s ass in 2009.

Then there’s my boo Ashley Logan. Word on the street is that she had some kind of gel pumped into her ass, and that’s also what they’re saying about Shakur. I could kinda believe it, when it comes to Ashley Logan. Her ass is so ridonkulously big, and not particularly well-shapen. If there was such a technology that involved pumping gel into a woman’s ass (no Boutros), that’s about what I’d expect the result to look like. Which is not to say that I wouldn’t try to talk any women I get with into having a little gel pumped into her ass. Especially since a woman I get with might not be naturally built like a brick shithouse. If this ass gel procedure really exists, the result is way more naturalistic than breast implants – this despite the fact that breast implants have been around since like the ’60s.

And as it turns out, this supposed ass gel is not the only thing Shakur and Ashley Logan have in common. You’ll recall that, a while back, I received a series of emails from someone, who supposedly dated Ashley Logan, back when she was just some ghetto strippers. Or rather, a few years ago. In one of them. he claimed that she gave him herpes. This ultimately led to a segment on Kay Slay’s show on Sirius satellite radio, and a popular video on World Star Hip Hop, in which Ashley Logan ethered. If I never end up doing anything other than talking shit about rap music on the Internets, it will almost certainly end up being one of my life’s crowning achievement. But it wasn’t the last time someone would email me claiming they caught VD from one of these video hoes. Just this morning (at 5:30 in the morning, actually), I got a guy claiming he got genital warts from Shakur.

If only I’d had to the time to blog about Shakur, and thus set this chain of events in motion, this summer. Maybe I could have found out about her health issues in time to have her respond to it on this site. With my reach as a popular hip-hop blogger (nhjic), and just based on the law of averages, I could probably do a post any number of these video hoes, and guys emailing me talking about how they gave them some sort of VD. On a long enough timeline, I suppose I probably will.

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

    “That’s was back before my writing skills were as strong as they are now”

    ^^^^Sorry Byron. That was too classic to pass up.

    I don’t doubt that a fair amount of the video pro’s have spent some old(er), lonely man’s pension on bodily enhancements. Why not? The problem is when they get old, yet the prosthetic pieces don’t. Then, they resemble mix matched Barbie dolls. Janice Dickenson comes to mind. That broad has more plastic in her than Gumby’s baby momma.

    Or the one’s who’s self esteem has been destroyed to the point of that cat lady. She looks like Big Kim to me.

  • OG Matt Herbz

    Damn…2 months later and Bol is finally going in on Shakur. Fuck sloppy seconds, this is more like funky five-hundredths or something.

    This gel in the ass thing has intrigued me, I must go in deeper and investigate this matter. As a ASCI-Certified Ass-Man, I will have no choice but to submit Shakur, Nicki Minaj, and Ashley Logan to extensive experimentation in the field of Asstrology in the hopes that this “Miracle Gel” is in fact present in these 3 hoes’ booties and can be extracted and created synthetically in a lab setting. I’ll need just 2 hours to complete testing. Stay tuned…

    –OG Matt Herbz–

  • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

    “…one of these women who didn’t have any business appearing in XXL’s Eye Candy section. You know how the quality of women there tends to vary wildly.” – Bol.

    You ain’t lying about the Eye Candy being “off” as of lately. Last time I clicked on the Eye Candy tab, fuckin’ FAT JOE was featured!! Umm… slow news day, XXL? No way I’m checking for that shit!

    Lol at “asstrology.” Well said, Matt!

  • ceaser paciotti

    do any of u motherfuckers work? every blog or commentary on this site u not only stay replying to, but usually one of the first. u trying to get a blogger deal or something?

    • $ykotic/Don McCaine

      Worry about yourself, instead of what another grown man is doing.

      *sidenote* Notice I didn’t ask you what you do…

    • OG Matt Herbz

      @ ceaser (sic)

      You misspelled your name, fuckboy. It’s “Caesar.”

      –OG Matt Herbz–

  • Bobo D

    Yep, the last eye candy was dog-faced.
    XXL peaked with Ace(who I have tried to search the net for, with not much luck) and it’s been downhill ever since.

    “You should see the fallout from my list, the other day, of the 10 most beautiful women in the world.”
    ^^^^
    I think the fallout was from only to 60-70% of those girls where hot. The rest just seemed like left overs. I know you into white women but you’ve got to have standards, especialy with the amount of “research” you do.

    I know some brothers are really into white women that they will date any kind i.e. the fat ugly ones which you would see on Ricki Lake. Someone should come up with a word for this phenomenon and put in the urban dictionary.

  • $ykotic/Don McCaine

    Is that chick still relevant?

    Her CD is probably holding up an uneven table somewhere…pushed back to February 42nd. Who’s heard “Nada Hoe” even with B.E.P. in rotation right now? Exactly.

    The only ones checking for her are the “Rub 1 Out” gang…

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

      Wow, I forgot she was a *ahem* recording artist.

      Hmmph, maybe she should’ve focused on brain surgery as opposed to being a head doctor.

      • $ykotic/Don McCaine

        WAAYYY to much credit Grands.

        I was thinking head examiner…

        ↓↓↓ “I could give a rat’s ass (no gel)” LOL

    • Smel

      Now I’m trying to remember who made that joke about the children of the future asking what the classic music of our time was, and Grampa stroking the child’s hair while whispering “Nada hoe, my child….Nada Hoe”

      GNR even after all this time!!!!!

  • Chilly Willy

    “Girls are always upset to find out I don’t like them, regardless of whether or not they like me.”
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    Ain’t that the truth !

    On the asstrologic asspect, I say don’t ask don’t tell. If I was gonna hit it anyway, more cushion for the pushin’.

    Re: Nada Hoe, I think we pretty much established that she nada blogger and nada rapper. Now does she have VDs, as long as I’m not the one dealin with it, I could give a rat’s ass (no gel)

    • http://www.jamal7mile.blogspot.com Jamal7Mile

      Yo Chilly!

      I just found out that she DOES have VD! No, I didn’t find out THAT way! Bol knows. XXL knows. And now I know! If you see this chick, DO NOT TOUCH HER! Not even a hand shake, man. I even found out why she was given a guest-blog spot.

      Believe me, Bol won’t be able to say anything on this site. It would disappear before you could find the screen-print button.

      BTW, check out Byroncrawford.com. It’s a GREAT read!! Do it NOW!!!!

      This message will self-destruct in 5..4..3..

      • $ykotic/Don McCaine

        Yo I did recon as well. Nasty ass biatch.

        1. Why would a cat want to defame her? She ain’t do nothing big 2 hate…

        2. Not 4 nothing, we commenter’s bought that out. We wasn’t going 4 it. 2 those again who don’t think what we do means anything, this is proof.

        3. This n*gga Carl (C*h*e*r*y was burning broads huh? No one ever said he left or nothing about the issue. Good 4 u Nessa.

        Another savage in the pursuit of happiness($):

        Nada hoe(u don’t deserve the Shakur moniker)

        Carl(strap on burner(no gun).

        & homie who caught it from her. NEVER TRUST A (BIG)BUTT & A SMILE.

        Nasty ass HHHHOOOOOO_EEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!

        • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grands

          Yo!!

          Please tell me I’m reading entirely too much in between the lines here, fellas…

          Wow. I’m a tad bit speechless (a rarity).

  • Brooklyn

    i could give a fuck whether a chick’s ass is real or not, as long as it’s jiggling when i’m hitting her from the back it’s good money. i don’t doubt shakur had some work done, because i never met a middle eastern chick that had that much body. then again, like 75% of them are all veiled up, so who knows, they could be hiding some thick ass bodies under them sheets.

  • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

    yeah buddy, ass shots. definitely a real thing.

    other than that, this was some funny shit my man.

  • http://xxlmag.com Blakout615

    Yo Bol check out the video ho Pebbelz ass. That mofo is faker that a $3 bill!

  • sealsaa

    “Her CD is probably holding up an uneven table somewhere”

    It makes a fine coaster.

    • OG Matt Herbz

      Actually, the only thing it does is provides a buffer that pushes other CDs closer to the front on the Best Buy rack. Years from now, someone will be browsing the Tupac Shakur section and find this bitch’s CD all the way to the back and say “How the fuck did this get here,” right before reporting it to a store employee for proper disposal.

      –OG Matt Herbz–