Why should I take advice from Joe Budden?

The other day, I saw there was a video on World Star with Joe Budden giving relationship advice to guys, and I thought to myself, you’ve gotta be kidding, right?

I tried to give Joe Budden some advice myself, earlier this year. I tried to warn him against going on the Internets bragging about dating a woman I almost certainly could have had sex with for $15 as recently as 10 months ago, because it would only end up blowing up in his face.

Yeah, Taheezo almost got on the cover of King magazine, which would feature any ol’ marginally famous black woman between the ages of 18 and 46, before it ended up going out of business (shocker!), but that didn’t do much to help his own career. That Slaughterhouse album still sold as if it had AIDS on it. Maybe if they made it a CD+DVD with footage of Taheezo stripping in front of a webcam.

If any rapper tries my CD+DVD idea, I want points on the album, or at least a free DVD. Also, I can suggest a few cam hoo-ers. I’ve been conducting research. I’m thinking about going back to school for my Ph.D (I already did that post-graduate work at White Castle), if I can convince a school to let me do my thesis on cam hoo-ers, and if I can convince them to let me do it for free. I know a lot of these schools are hard up for black guys with my command of the English language, and I’d be willing to be they’re already cutting a lot of corners, importing ninjas from Africa and what have you. I don’t want to have to put Harvard on blast.

But I digress.

I didn’t get around to watching this latest Budden video, because I’ve got a lot of things I need to accomplish this afternoon, and not as much time. I took advantage of the holiday weekend to make some bad personal decisions, and I’ve been paying the price for the last day or so. My house vaguely reaks of stomach acid. I might need to open up a window. Fortunately, the weather has cooled off the point where I can. Is that why Labor Day takes place at the beginning of September, or is it just one of those lucky coincidences, like the fact that you can’t see a fat woman’s face when you fuck her from behind. Shout out to Matt Herbz for pointing that out the other day.

Again, I digress. What’s wrong with me today?

So anyway, I might still watch the Budden video at some point or another, if it doesn’t slip my mind, just because I’ve been reading up on “dating strategy,” or whatever, for the past couple of years now, and who knows, there might be some knowledge I can glean from Joe Budden. He’s not in the top 50 rappers of all time, or even the top 100, but he might be one of the smarter rappers. He’s got that website, and clearly he’s capable of shooting videos and uploading them to YouTube. I’m not saying the guy’s a genius or anything, but look at some of his counterparts in the hip-hop community. And obviously he’s spent a lot of time dwelling on his dealings with women. He even went and got that tattoo. It’s a good thing he’s not a crackhead – he may have pulled a DJ AM.

I was checking World Star just now, to see about watching that video where Saigon mocks Budden’s relationship with Taheezo, which is just plain inaudible. For all his posturing, Saigon might not be as smart as Joe Budden. You know how ninjas in the joint try to get all intellectual on you, and half the time they don’t make any sense. Based on the title of the video, it sounds like he was saying the same thing I’ve been saying about Budden. He may have even read my work re: Budden and tried to pass it off as his own. Similarly, there’s an interview on this site in which he tries to take credit for T.I.’s “Live Your Life” and Maino’s “All of the Above” (which I actually heard the other day at a Rams game), because he had the original song with Just Blaze singing in autotune. If only the label had the foresight to promote it. Never mind the fact that’s it’s been floating around the Internets for years now.

Never mind the garbage versions of good songs Just Blaze sells to Saigon – if only Saigon and Joe Budden could set aside their differences and come together as one. Budden could teach Saigon how to take better YouTube videos and market his music on the Internets, so he can start making that Slaughterhouse money, and Saigon could teach Joe Budden how to man up in his dealings with women. Saigon spent too much time in the joint to be getting emo tattoos just because his stripper girlfriend had the sheer balls to sleep around on him. He could probably get raped for that, if he goes back to jail. Remember that time he beat up his girlfriend with a car? I’m not advocating beating on a woman with a car, or vice versa. I’m just saying. Maybe Saigon’s roid rage and Joe Budden’s butt pain could balance each other out.

  • Detroit P

    CD+DVD idea, I want points on the album
    ^^^
    You’re late

    • BIGNAT

      i was going tell poor bol the same thing they been doing that shit as far back as 02 i think.
      “Maybe Saigon’s roid rage and Joe Budden’s butt pain could balance each other out.”
      mwhahahahahhaah

  • http://Pierzy11@gmail.com Pierzy

    Maybe Budden is taking the “Do As I Say, Not As I Do” route in his advice? Kinda like Dr. Phil & Oprah?

  • http://www.myspace.com/pharris27610 P. Harris

    Remember that time he beat up his girlfriend with a car?

    Hilarious!

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com grammar police

    “I know a lot of these schools are hard up for black guys with my command of the English language, and I’d be willing to be they’re already cutting a lot of corners, importing ninjas from Africa and what have you.”

    -let’s play spot the typo.

    • http://Pierzy11@gmail.com Pierzy

      I’ve been waiting for the English cops since the first day I came on this site…

      • Casey

        If we’re gonna be assholes, I gotta out that two sentences in a row start with “nevermind.”

        • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com grammar police

          sorry casey, but that is incorrect; they both start with “Never mind”. you must be a grammar sheriff.

        • Silly Chilly Willy

          So if I say “Fuck is wrong wit yo dumbass!”, would you understand ? Or do I need to eloquently put it in a correct sentence ?
          Real question. I mean, you’re the police I would never dream of saying “Fuck” to you …

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      I wrote this whole thing in like 15 minutes. I’ve got pr0n to download.

      • Yaw

        LMAO I can relate lol

    • that nigga

      He coulda just left the commas out and kept on runnin. Funny post as usual tho. They should do a collabo album and get a verse or two from Prodigy from behind (II) bars.

  • General

    I don’t think too many people should take relationship advice from Buddens…

    I saw that shit with Saigon too and just laughed…

    I really think Sai has been takin pointers from Buddens already…
    1. He claims he’s not on a major by choice, when we all know no major would sign him
    2. He followed Budden’s to Amalgam Digital after dissin Budden for bein on that label
    3. He starts a beef, says its over, then starts a beef again
    4. Claims that artists really bit off of him and that is why they are successful, while he is still not

    • BIGNAT

      ouch the truth hurts

  • Silly Chilly Willy

    Too many quotables !!! Bol, you’re a disturbed genius !

  • OG Matt Herbz

    I simply apply the old adage: “He who talks the most, says more of nothing than he who doesn’t speak at all”…or something.

    What I’m getting at is that there are a few things I’ve come to learn about Joe Budden in the last few months:

    He likes Latinas, but straight up doesn’t know how to handle them…

    …He picked a girlfriend that is cooler, more logical, and popular amongst the homeys than he is and a total personality clash with himself…

    …He records too much, talks too much on his videos, whines too much, and tries too hard to come off intellectual in every fucking video…even the ones he’s getting made a bitch in…

    …Even in group interviews, he’s ALWAYS the one talking! Just shut yo mouth, mang! Dude must think his own voice sounds sexy or some shit…well go fuck yourself and get on with it…

    …He has immense belief in his mic skills, yet he damn near sucks at rapping…

    …He’s a pussy for talking about beheading somebody, then taking them behind the woods for an “apology” blowjob. Then he straight up got dealt with on his own video-recording level when he got snuffed by Raek’s camp.

    I haven’t found anything to like about dude since he started blipping on my radar. Dude’s a homo and straight up: He played himself out of Hip Hop…what, like twice or 3 times now?

    –OG Matt Herbz–

  • latino heat

    can somebody help me out with Buddens emo tattoo and Sai beating a girl with a car? these are news to me.

  • chillin mayne

    jajajajaj @”ive got pron to download” funniest thing ive ever read

  • Worley

    “Maybe Saigon’s roid rage and Joe Budden’s butt pain could balance each other out.”

    Classic.

  • FPL

    Damn…Im agreeing w/ everything Matt said.

    (maybe because I just smoked one and watched an old episode of All in the Family)

  • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

    Good one Bol. I always thought Sai would come up considering he had the co-sign with Just Blaze and being on that show Entourage…oh well…

  • nicholasdelorejo

    I’m a fan of your work Bol but the whole booty girl-DVD idea for rappers was mine. I said it when your did that blog about Budden and Tahiry broke up. Not hating but I’m just saying. Anyway I think that should be a good venture for rappers to sell their music now in this climate. Forget the CD because no one going to buy the CD for the audio. Those folks would probably download their music anyway. But a number of dudes would buy the DVD just to see Tahiry or Cubana lust’s ass. It’s better than a DVD full of backstage footage of a shit I probably didn’t care about

  • Brooklyn

    joe budden giving relationship advice is a joke. joe budden himself is a joke, but i must admit that he’s probably the reason why slaughterhouse sold as much as they did. i’m not saying that the album was bad because it was fire, but budden is probably the most well known member of the group, even if it’s for his stupid ass antics. besides that, he’s probably the most mainstream member of the group what with that one hit he had about nine years ago.