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Why should I take advice from Joe Budden?

The other day, I saw there was a video on World Star with Joe Budden giving relationship advice to guys, and I thought to myself, you’ve gotta be kidding, right?

I tried to give Joe Budden some advice myself, earlier this year. I tried to warn him against going on the Internets bragging about dating a woman I almost certainly could have had sex with for $15 as recently as 10 months ago, because it would only end up blowing up in his face.

Yeah, Taheezo almost got on the cover of King magazine, which would feature any ol’ marginally famous black woman between the ages of 18 and 46, before it ended up going out of business (shocker!), but that didn’t do much to help his own career. That Slaughterhouse album still sold as if it had AIDS on it. Maybe if they made it a CD+DVD with footage of Taheezo stripping in front of a webcam.

If any rapper tries my CD+DVD idea, I want points on the album, or at least a free DVD. Also, I can suggest a few cam hoo-ers. I’ve been conducting research. I’m thinking about going back to school for my Ph.D (I already did that post-graduate work at White Castle), if I can convince a school to let me do my thesis on cam hoo-ers, and if I can convince them to let me do it for free. I know a lot of these schools are hard up for black guys with my command of the English language, and I’d be willing to be they’re already cutting a lot of corners, importing ninjas from Africa and what have you. I don’t want to have to put Harvard on blast.

But I digress.

I didn’t get around to watching this latest Budden video, because I’ve got a lot of things I need to accomplish this afternoon, and not as much time. I took advantage of the holiday weekend to make some bad personal decisions, and I’ve been paying the price for the last day or so. My house vaguely reaks of stomach acid. I might need to open up a window. Fortunately, the weather has cooled off the point where I can. Is that why Labor Day takes place at the beginning of September, or is it just one of those lucky coincidences, like the fact that you can’t see a fat woman’s face when you fuck her from behind. Shout out to Matt Herbz for pointing that out the other day.

Again, I digress. What’s wrong with me today?

So anyway, I might still watch the Budden video at some point or another, if it doesn’t slip my mind, just because I’ve been reading up on “dating strategy,” or whatever, for the past couple of years now, and who knows, there might be some knowledge I can glean from Joe Budden. He’s not in the top 50 rappers of all time, or even the top 100, but he might be one of the smarter rappers. He’s got that website, and clearly he’s capable of shooting videos and uploading them to YouTube. I’m not saying the guy’s a genius or anything, but look at some of his counterparts in the hip-hop community. And obviously he’s spent a lot of time dwelling on his dealings with women. He even went and got that tattoo. It’s a good thing he’s not a crackhead – he may have pulled a DJ AM.

I was checking World Star just now, to see about watching that video where Saigon mocks Budden’s relationship with Taheezo, which is just plain inaudible. For all his posturing, Saigon might not be as smart as Joe Budden. You know how ninjas in the joint try to get all intellectual on you, and half the time they don’t make any sense. Based on the title of the video, it sounds like he was saying the same thing I’ve been saying about Budden. He may have even read my work re: Budden and tried to pass it off as his own. Similarly, there’s an interview on this site in which he tries to take credit for T.I.’s “Live Your Life” and Maino’s “All of the Above” (which I actually heard the other day at a Rams game), because he had the original song with Just Blaze singing in autotune. If only the label had the foresight to promote it. Never mind the fact that’s it’s been floating around the Internets for years now.

Never mind the garbage versions of good songs Just Blaze sells to Saigon – if only Saigon and Joe Budden could set aside their differences and come together as one. Budden could teach Saigon how to take better YouTube videos and market his music on the Internets, so he can start making that Slaughterhouse money, and Saigon could teach Joe Budden how to man up in his dealings with women. Saigon spent too much time in the joint to be getting emo tattoos just because his stripper girlfriend had the sheer balls to sleep around on him. He could probably get raped for that, if he goes back to jail. Remember that time he beat up his girlfriend with a car? I’m not advocating beating on a woman with a car, or vice versa. I’m just saying. Maybe Saigon’s roid rage and Joe Budden’s butt pain could balance each other out.

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