“Let me explain something to y’all. There’s no such thing as a bisexual guy. If a guy is bisexual, that makes him gay. Don’t try to like, re-term it or something like that.”

-Kanye West, Hard Knock TV

Sigh. Put a pin in that pearl of awesome from Dr. Kanye Westheimer. We’ll come back to it.

I don’t have to reintroduce my stance on hip-hop and homophobia. We’ve been there. If you’ve been rocking with me long enough, you know that I’m vehemently opposed to the shit. Many of you don’t agree with me there. That’s fine. I’m not even talking to y’all right now. Take the XXLevator one flight up. Come back tomorrow, maybe. Have a dick sandwich and a smile in the meantime.

Hip-hop fans are used to the default attack on sexual orientation as an attempt to discredit and emasculate. We’re also aware how aggressively Kanye West’s heterosexuality has been attacked, as if being a homosexual makes you any less human or somehow unworthy of respect. There are unfortunate stereotypes, stigmas, biases and general misconceptions attached to homosexuality that make understanding, loving and respecting one another loftier goals than they should be.

West, being the great bastion and proponent of human rights that he is, makes clear that he has gay friends in an interview with Hard Knock TV. Surely this alone absolves him of being a homophobe. I mean, I’m always a little uneasy about white folks’ perception of my blackness until they make it a point to make me aware that they have colored friends. That shit really puts my mind at ease—as it should everyone.

On the same token, gay people appreciate that you’ll stand next to them on the street and contain your repulsion. That’s really awesome of those who dare to.

[Blogger’s Note: Token. See what I did there?]

I mean. You can have gay friends. It’s cool. You can like, play tennis with a gay dude. Then when you’re done with the game, you can be like, “I’m going to get a beer. What are you going to do?” He can tell you, “Well, I’m gonna go suck some dick”, because that’s all he could possibly be doing. And you can go your separate ways relieved that you’re going to enjoy a nice cold beer.

[Blogger's Note: Eddie Murphy: Delirious is one of the greatest, but most dated and homophobic stand-ups of all time. Hence the reference. It also may be the most ironic, given the body condoms he used to wear onstage and the--you know, traffic incident.]

Despite his inherent criticism of those who look down on homosexuals, West finds the need to assure the listening public he is not gay. Mr. West’s defense is that he is secure enough in his heterosexuality to dress like a homosexual—whatever dressing like a homosexual may entail. I wasn’t aware pink and pastel polos were part of the official gay uniform, but okay.

Instead of taking a moment to breathe and swallow, no nullus, ML the K just tries to freestyle his way through conversations that require actual thought. Case in point:

“The gay people that I actually know, that I would like, hang out with are so genius and bring such incredible gifts to the world… The only gay people I know are some of the most incredible people on the planet, actually.”

The Confucian philosophy I’m trying to make sense of lies in the above quote. I would think such qualities as being “genius” and bringing “incredible gifts to the world” to be a gold standard of sorts for any group of people with which one elects to spend time. On the other hand, is it then acceptable to hang with less-than-awesome heterosexuals?

I’m just taking notes for my forthcoming research project. It's called "The Rules of Awesome". Kanye West is my first and most prominent reference, of course. I’d ask him myself, but I’m afraid he’d go on a tirade about his legacy, being a man-beast like Kobe Bryant, and wearing wild ill Cosby sweaters when he gets older. Unfortunately, I only have a limited amount of time to get everything straight before I must hand this to my professor.

Did I say “straight”? Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Where was I now? Oh, right. I was about to remove the pin from earlier. Word.

“Let me explain something to y’all. There’s no such thing as a bisexual guy. If a guy is bisexual, that makes him gay. Don’t try to like, re-term it or something like that.”

Before all of this human rights philosophy West drops seemingly for the sake of hearing his own voice, he delivers the above classic.

I must make something clear before we go any further. People who are only sexually attracted to people of their own gender are called homosexuals. People who are sexually attracted to people of both genders are called bisexuals. In Jamaica they call them all-sexuals for some reason. That’s as if to say they’d fuck a goat or a table leg if they got their hands on one.

Then again, they also chase and burn people like witches down there. So I should take what my people say with a grain of Blue Mountain Curry Powder.

In West’s appeal to quell hatred for homosexuals, he does the most harmful thing he possibly could. By shitting on the nature of homosexuals and bisexuals and how they identify themselves, he promotes the very ignorance that fuels hatred and keeps us all from a peaceful coexistence. And we all know how much Kanyeezy loves it when people don’t agree with how he defines his natural genius.

Thanks, Brother Martin. That’s quite awesome of you.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Still hate that uncle who brings “his friend” over every Thanksgiving? ron@ronmexicocity.com