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Young Money: Every [Little] Girl

Wow. Thank you readers for pointing out a glaring omission in my 2009 BET Awards Notes and Observations blog yesterday. Not only did I glaringly omit an “s” somewhere in my original title, but I left out any mention of the controversial Young Money performance that may very well resurrect the Emmanuel Lewis “No, Go & Tell” child safety commercials.

On Michael Jackson day, no less… Oversight of the millennium.

I didn’t know these niggas meant “Every Girl” literally. What the fuck? I really didn’t notice that the girls were, you know, chillen girls. I don’t always pay video hoes the attention they so desperately crave. Plus, it’s not like they were shorter than Lil’ Wayne or anything. They didn’t really stand out at the time.

Wayne, Drake, Mack Maine… listen to your dear friend Ronnie. Just because the money’s young doesn’t mean the groupies need be. When shit gets slow on tour can’t you just take turns on the crew’s token sexpot and avoid the charges?

I can’t even laugh at Mack Maine’s Miley Cyrus crack anymore. I already knew he’d beat the brakes off of it right now if black people were allowed inside the Cyrus house, but damn. These niggas took it to the next level. They probably had to redo some lyrics during quality control.

“In a couple hours, holler at me, Miley Cyrus.”

Didn’t Miley Cyrus just have herself like, a 22-year-old man a minute ago? Yet Ole Billy Ray’s pissed about Jamie Foxx jokes. Sheeeeit. I’d be worried about the grown-ass man currently wearing down my daughter’s traction instead of coming up with a response to some comedian’s morning drive time foolery. Turnabout is fair play, I guess. You know Billy Ray’s backwater achy-breaky ass was bringin that guitar and greasy mullet down to the high school before he got on.

That thurr was different. That was family! Inbreeding would explain a lot on Miley’s part too.

At least Tyga’s time at the end of Young Money’s bench keeps him from being associated him with this shit. He dodged a bullet there. Keep droppin that World Star fire, son!

How did Drake tear his ACL anyway? Hmmmm. Little kids are quick…  and slippery. Maybe one of them little girls pulled a Barry Sanders on that nigga and he ended up zagging when he should have zigged. If so, serves his ass right.

Dammit. Lil Wayne has children of his own them girls’ age. I’ve heard about middle-aged men having this kind of complex, but the shit shouldn’t happen when you’re 26. Even if you’re twice their age, your 15-year-old daughter’s friends should still be considered off-limits.

Here’s the funniest shit of all. When I first heard this song, I pondered the implications of fucking every girl in the world. Shit. I don’t even want to fuck every girl that wants to fuck me. I’ve had to go into Witness Protection behind some of these Harlem rats. Sometimes I watch Maury and wonder who the fuck put 17 kids up in some of these O.D.B.-lookin broads. How could a nigga wanna fuck every girl in the world?

And obviously, I didn’t even consider the chillens.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Amy Winehouse makes my penis soft.

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