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Five signs that Drake might be the next Asher Roth

I had to go a little bit deep with this one, no Boutros, so I’ll spare you any further ado. The following is a list of five signs that Drake might be the next Asher Roth.

1) Nothing about him suggests hip-hop.

Asher Roth is a white guy from suburban Pennsylvania who discovered hip-hop with Jay-Z’s Vol. 2 album and probably never went back to listen to Reasonable Doubt. As many a critic has pointed out, he seems altogether unconcerned with proving he has any street cred, which makes him way different than the vast majority of white rappers to come before him. One of the clowns who writes about rap music for the New York Times even went so far as to say that he’s the first rapper to rap about living in the suburbs. Meanwhile, I read a few weeks ago that Drake was actually a child actor on motherfucking Degrassi Street. He couldn’t front about being from the (real) street if he wanted to. It’s only a matter of time until someone pulls up that footage. That is, unlike Lyor Cohen had it all destroyed. What’s more, his character was wheelchair bound, which means he was probably the only character on the show who wasn’t fucking. You know how they do on Degrassi Street. Unless he was like that guy from Combat Jack’s Dick on Wheels videos.

2) He’s cosigned by people with questionable credibility.

In retrospect, I should have known Asher Roth was a joke when he came into the game backed by Don Cannon and Akon, but Jay-Z, who – lest we forget – once released an album by Amil, didn’t want anything to do with him. Drake, on the other hand, is somehow affiliated with Lil’ Wayne. I keep hearing him referred to as Lil’ Wayne’s artist, but I’m at a loss for how the TIs from several other labels can be offering him deals, if he’s signed with Lil’ Wayne. It could be that Lil’ Wayne was too high to get him to sign with Cash Money a few weeks ago, when no one had ever heard of him, and now the price done went up. At any rate, I’m at a loss for how a cosign by Lil’ Wayne of all people has become a valuable selling point for a new MC, let alone an apparent Midas touch. It makes me wonder if I can’t ply him with cough syrup and get my own Young Money chain.

3) The TIs can’t give him enough money, even though no one ever heard of him.

People were already kinda poised to hate on Asher Roth, when he somehow managed to go from utter obscurity to having an album on the shelf at Best Buy in the space of less than a year. Meanwhile, Charles Hamilton is stuck putting out umpteen free albums and mixtapes that no one even bothers downloading anymore. Even if Asleep in the Bread Aisle was good, like an Eminem album, people probably would have felt a little bit weird about. Just like with Eminem. Speaking of Eminem, it was a big deal when Fiddy Cent signed to Aftermath for a cool million dollars back in 2003, when people were still buying rap albums. I guess, for what it’s worth, the last Lil’ Wayne album sold a million copies, and no one sounds more like Lil’ Wayne than Drake. Still, $2 million seems like a bit much. For that much money, they could find as many 10 semi-literate kids on the streets of New Orleans, give ‘em $200,000 each, and feed ‘em a shedload of cough syrup. They could probably even get away with giving them $20,000 each. You’ve seen what New Orleans looks like.

4) He’s vaguely Jewish.

I keep reading that Asher Roth is a Jew, but I read an interview once where someone asked him if he’s a Jew, and he said he wasn’t. What gives? He could be one of these Jews that likes to insist that he isn’t a Jew. Like the King of All Blacks, I grew up around a lot of Jews, so I know how this shit works. Because they’re Jewish, a lot of Jews are too smart to believe in religion anyway. Plus, a lot of Jewish guys can’t stand Jewish women (black men should be so lucky), and pretending to not be Jewish is a good way to avoid being stuck having to deal with that. Already, I’m seeing a lot of Jews, like the guys from The Real, celebrating the fact that Drake is a Jew, but I’ve yet to hear Drake speak on the matter himself. I know he’s rumored to have banged a number of black chicks, though that may have just been for PR purposes. Someone should get him to speak on his beliefs, as well as whether or not he harbors any right wing views with regard to US foreign policy, if only for the potential lulz.

5) He may or may not be a racist.

I’d have to consult with Harry Allen as to whether or not someone who’s half-Jewish (like Howard Stern) who deigns to pursue a career in rap is automatically suspect, but I’d say the fact that he supposedly used to date a video ho is already problematic. Word on the street is that he used to date Bria Myles, one of these girls from the Eye Candy section who’s built like a brick shithouse, but then he left her for Rihanna. A few thoughts: 1) According to the world’s most accurate encyclopedia, Drake was raised in one of the most exclusive neighborhoods in Canada. I can only imagine what the girls there look like. What does a guy like him need with some video ho? Could it be that he has some sort of R. Crumb-like fixation with women with huge asses? And now that he’s taken up with Rihanna, you’d have to think he’s part of the ongoing campaign to gradually wean her off black men, which began with guys like Wilmer Valderrama and Shia Labeouf. Her fans might reject the idea of her getting with a full-on white guy. Which is why she started out with an hispanic and a Jew. The fact that he’s a rapper gives him a bit of an ethnic flavor, no fishsticks, but the fact that he’s part-Jew assures her fans that he won’t lay hands on her. And you’d have to think: if Drake is willing to submit to such cynical, race based PR science, who knows how he really feels about black people? Have we seen him with a chain on yet? Don’t let me find out he’s overly concerned with the state of the motherland.

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