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Russell Simmons: Your Rushcard Demystified

“The foundathion of being able to create wealth ith to uthe your money moth effectively. Many people in our communitieth cannot even get to their money without being thubject to overwhelming feeth. If you don’t have a bank account you pay around ten perthent of your income in check cathing and bill payment feeth. Bankth charge overdraft and inthuffithent funth feeth, moth of whith are paid by undertherved communitieth. Ruthcard hath no penalithing feeth. And Ruthcard helpth you budget and underthand where you’re thpending money, both at the foundathion of good money management.”

-Ruthell Thimmonth, Livetheeth interview

I’m starting to think he didn’t actually name everything “Rush”. He tried to call it “Russ”, but everyone heard “Rush” and the nigga eventually gave up.

For those of you unfamiliar with the story, Russell Simmons has endured scrutiny from financial columnists around the web for developing and promoting Rushcard–a pre-paid Visa debit card for the hip-hop [pron.: financially distraught] community.

I’d like to help Russell clear up some of the obvious confusion surrounding his latest philanthropic effort.

What makes Rushcard different from any other pre-paid debit? That’s a great question. For starters, Rushcard says “Rushcard” across the face, so you know it’s a Rushcard. Secondly, Rushcard is the pre-paid debit card whose commercials are on BET during your favorite programming, like Harlem Heights and Baldwin Hills. You can be just like those bourgie-ass negroes, paying for Starbucks Coffee and mojitos with plastic! Ooooh.

Also, instead of giving 10% of your income to the check cashing spot and various associated bill paying fees, you give it to Russell, a black person. This will make you feel accomplished for once in life, as you’re supporting “our community” in your financial despair.

Even though you could get a debit card of any kind from anywhere, including your local supermarket, drug store or bank (provided you don’t utilize the suggested method of giving Ruthell your paycheck directly), only Rushcard fully exploits the misery of the ghetto. When paying hidden fees you’re initially assured don’t exist, you suffer with all the comfort and familiarity of a housing project loan shark on the 28th of the month, even though you aren’t borrowing anything.

The Rushcard also makes it easy to donate to your favorite charities. By checking the box on the back of the card marked “give now”, you can make monthly contributions to the Kimora Lee Honsou-Cinque Alimony Fund. This money directly helps hungry Africans in the Saddle River, NJ area.

While Rushcard isn’t helpful at the bulletproof glass-countered Chinese take out you’re used to dining at, feel free to enjoy having a Mr. Chow waitress inform you of the “insufficient funds” error message she receives after swiping your card several times. As you wash dishes for the next week, enjoy the half-eaten bits of sweet and sour chicken left on the platters of paying patrons.

Mmmm. Financial freedom never tasted this good.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Damn, I just got hit with a surcharge for publishing this blog. What the fuck, Ruthell?!

P.Eth.: There’th no Eff-Dee-Eye-Thee inthurance on theethe fucking pietheth of thit, tho WHEN thith bithneth foldth, you’ll be ath out, ath they that in the projecth.

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