Nick Cannon, Eminem & Harriet Tubman

After reading the first paragraph of Nick Cannon’s blog response to Eminem’s lyrical “attacks” on Mariah Carey, I’m all about ready to sympathize with Cannon’s plight. I can totally understand a man defending his wife. Can you fully fault a nigga for protecting his boo? However, the rest of his now removed tirade leads me to believe this nigga's as nutty as we've assumed.

Tenured media entities and rap entertainers—as Cannon claims to be—should be fully aware as to what Eminem is doing. He’s done business this way for a decade. Mathers makes mindless jabs at celebrities and what have you to draw public interest, even if accidental. Kind of the way bloggers throw keywords into their entries for google raking.

I mean, Rihanna’s naked pictures and Cassie’s naked pictures contracted #Swine Flu from Anoop Desai, right?

In this regard Cannon has done everything he could have to win the people over these past eight years. Eminem, however, has just been successful at it. There’s really no need to fan flames no one takes seriously.

Instead, Nick Carey takes his Mariah defense a step too far. We’ve long since known he worships Mimi’s insanely awesome rainbow-infused vaginal secretion, as exhibited by the massive back piece. But, being blinded by the butterfly juice is no excuse for trying to parlay Mariah Carey into Coretta Scott King.

After calling Eminem a racist, why incite race war by making a jab at Mariah Carey into an attack on all black women? If you call Britney Spears is a talent devoid skank bag during one of Wild’ N Out’s many lame, misguided attempts at improv humor, is that an attack on all white women?

Mariah Carey is not Michelle Obama. Do not utter the two names in the same sentence! Besides, that’s entirely too close to making Nick Cannon into Barack. If Nick Cannon ever can even so much as sniff the presidency, you can just call me Ron Canada.

Even more ironically, after defending the sanctity and strength of womanhood, Cannon attempts to disrespect Eminem by calling him “Miss Mathers”. As if being a woman were some kind of negative. If Mariah’s had a long enough break from the sedatives to read her defense, I’d hope she had something to say about this.

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Mimi probably writes this nigga’s blog.

Regardless who’s stepping into the shit first, Cannon won’t be able to get himself clean if he engages Eminem this way. I haven’t heard the record yet, but whatever jizz mustache and kidnap/rape fantasy Em has in store for Mariah can very easily and gleefully be extended to Little Nicky.

Eminem, 50 Cent and Dr. Dre look like they’re all in a very dark place and seek to share their misery with the world from that Detroit studio. If I were Nick, I’d let the shit rock, get back to that Dreamlovin’ and avoid making asinine comparisons.

Leave the metaphors to the professionals and shit. You know?

Questions? Comments? Requests? Are you a gigolo getting lots of dough? ron@ronmexicocity.com

Nick Cannon’s scarecrow/brains line in “Gigolo” is awesome, though. I’ll give him that.