The winter of FAIL

Oh,  what it must be like to be a fly on the wall in the Def Jam building right about now.

Things there must be in a total state of disarray, given the fact that a) the new Kanye West album just leaked to the Internets, and it fucking sucks balls, b) the new Jay-Z album has been postponed indefinitely, and c) I’m not even sure if there’s anyone in charge.

I’m gonna have to tread lightly when it comes to that final point, since I already had to be reminded that, while the black community might be ready for its own president, it’s gonna be a while still before we’re deemed grown enough to appreciate satire. (Actual satire, not whatever it is you thought satire was.)

Maybe President-Elect Obama can invest more in literacy programs in the black community. Or is there just some natural, ingrained deficiency that we’re just not gonna be able to overcome. At any rate, suffice it to say that there’s a desk in the Def Jam building without anyone to sit in it.

I wonder what that means. Aside from the obvious (i.e. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jadakiss or somebody has decided to set up shop there, for his own personal amusement), I wonder who’s in charge there now that the other guy is indisposed. Permanently.

I’m not even sure who his number two was, but whoever it was, I don’t know if I’d want to step into his role now, given the amount of FAIL that’s about to take place at that label. I wouldn’t want to be the guy left holding the bag once people realize what a shit sandwich 808s & Heartbreak is, that there’s no new Jay-Z album, and that probably no one’s gonna give a shit about that new Ludacris album either, if I didn’t have anything to do with signing off on any of that shit in the first place.

If they had named me Jay-Z’s successor at Def Jam six months ago (for what it’s worth, I have a college degree in business, as well as an incomparable ability to tell a good idea from a bad one), it would have been nothing for me to put my foot down when Kanye West proposed the idea of crafting an entire album of songs that are at least as bad as “Love Lockdown,” if not worse, just in time for the holiday shopping season.

Having him wait until he gets his mind right, next year or whenever, probably would have been out of the question, given the extent to which Def Jam has become reliant on a few big tent pole releases each year. Nullus. But if Kanye West tried to spring 808s & Heartbreak on me, I would’ve said no, then I would’ve released a collection of throwaways from the last few Kanye West albums in its place. Didn’t labels used to do shit like that all the time when artists would crack up like this?

At the very least, I would have hired a team of five well-endowed whores to hunt him down and try to suck him back into sentience. Regardless of how “high-priced” they were, I’m sure it would cost less than the L Def Jam is about to take this quarter. And you know how Kanye West feels about white chicks with huge fake cans. He feels the same way we all feel. It’s just that his mother raised him to be especially honest.

Major labels buy prostitutes for people, right? Yo, Jackpot, did you get some stank on your hanglow while you were down in Cabo? If not, you got gypped. I heard Fiddy flew a bunch of people out to Vegas before The Massacre came out and got them taken care of. Next time Fiddy decides to pull a stunt like that, XXL needs to send me. Because I’m fucking. Fuck the dumb shit.

You guys know I could use the action. Look at this post, fer chrissakes.

But I digress. Now where was I? Oh yes, the state of disarray in the Def Jam building.

I suspect there’s also a coverup going on there with regard to Ne-Yo’s sexual orientation a growing rift between Jay-Z and Kanye West. At MTV News today, there’s a story about how there isn’t gonna be a new Jay-Z album this winter, but if you notice, they spoke to Kanye West for it, not Jay-Z. As if those dudes don’t have Jay-Z’s cell.

Kanye West, for his part, claims that him and Jay-Z completed an album, and it was “phenomenal.” It’s just that Jay-Z saw the success of “Swagger Like Us,” and he wants the entire album to be just as good.

Hmm…

That doesn’t sound very much like Jay-Z, now does it? I mean, this is the same guy who put out Kingdom Come as the album that was supposed to herald his return to rap music. How bad did the version of the Blueprint 3 him and Kanye just put together have to be for it to be deemed unfit for release? Plus, you know this was supposed to be his last album with Def Jam. If it gets pushed back to next year, it’s gonna fuck up his deal with Live Nation. He’s not gonna be able to put out an album with them until 2010 or some shit.

It’s too bad no one can catch up with Jay-Z and have him give us his take on this issue. Only thing is, I’m not sure if he’d be willing to tell us how he really feels. He might not think he’s got enough money yet to express his opinions in public. How sad it must be to live a life like that.

  • Worley

    This n*gga Kanye turned into Steve Urkel before our eyes. Now we know it was the combo of Dame screaming on him and Beanie threatening to beat him up that brought the best out of him.

    If the rumor is true that Irving Lorenzo is taking over at Def Jam he might want to leave Kanye and Black Child in a room for a bit. If Irv can’t scare another album out of punk ass Ja I don’t think he will get a good album out of Kanye fruit cup either.

    • http://www.prettypancakes.com amar

      LOL good call on the urkel look hahahahha

      fucking hipster assholes with this “geek is in” nonsense. In 5 years, i bet u these motherfuckers are gonna be waering suspenders, rainbow socks and iced out pocket protectors (um actually andre 3000 may have worn all that already…) and rapping about how they got the new bling bling edition of Dungeons and Dragons and Risk and shit (Although Risk is a nutty game, I love taht shit)

      http://www.prettypancakes.com

  • That was so so left

    Bol your section iz shrinking faster than nutz on ice. The last couple of months you subject is like you don’t matter, and it don’t mind. Today barely left a stain on my brain. You need to step it up, or go on and step out.

  • http://www.prettypancakes.com amar

    i still disagree with you on this.

    If jay-z album sucks, sales will suffer and so will def jam. He’d need to get either crazy hype or make a crazy album for his sales to be aite, cause ppl are skeptical about him these days.

    But for kanye, no matter how crappy u think the album will be, i still think taht a)12 year old white girls will enjoy it like they enjoy lil wayne and b)the sales will be insane regardless of who likes it or not

    if we were talking about long-term reputation of def jam, i agree, maybe it’s falling off again. But interms of its success and profit as a record label for now, i’m not too sure

    http://www.prettypancakes.com

  • DJ Knox

    First of all, I know what satire is, and even tho I watched SNL last week, and laughed uncontrollably at the Barack Obama skit, the other ninjas who saw it with me didn’t feel it AT ALL. That being said R.I.P. to S.S.

    Now, umm, Jay is in trouble right now, his legacy is at stake I feel because if him and Kanye aint gettin’ along, that means he’s ruined his relationship with every producer every poducer he’s ever had chemistry with. (i.e. Timbaland, Swizz, Just Blaze, DJ Premier, Neptunes) 4real, when’s the last time ANY of these have given him a beat(read:hot beat) Ayway, tell Jay-z, no Shawn, he needs to holla at the dudes who make his flow what it used to be.

    Def Jam is “Whooooooo’ House!!???!!!” Def. NOT Jay’s.

    Ghost!!!

  • JAY STONE

    You Fat fuck,you sucks!!!!!!

  • LEO

    Im with amar on this one,Def Jam aint what they used to be, but I think they’ll be aigh…they havent had that bad of a year if you compare them to other rap labels…long temr its all booty!!! but they gonna be aigh for now…

    Young Jeezy-The Recession
    Nas-Nigger
    Kanye West-Heartbroken
    Jay-z-Blueprint 3
    Ludacris-Going to the movies
    Jadakiss- coming soon
    Fabolous is still there…
    The C.O. is still there…

  • grp03

    Here’s what I want to know: What person in this current economy is going to say to themselves, “Man, I really need to take some time out of my thanksgiving holiday to get to the nearest FYE and spend $15 on 808′s and Heartbreak. It surely will be a classic and Kanye singing about how his girlfriend fucked him over will help me get over the fact I have no goddamn money (or perhaps a job as well), but I’m sure it will be $15 dollars well spent!!”

    Motherfuckers disgust me.

    • http://www.prettypancakes.com amar

      i disagree

      a lotta ppl who buy hip hop cd’s are me: broke young people. Recession or no recession, broke young people work for gigantic companies taht pay cheap…if gm lays u off, u work for costco. If mcdonalds lays u off, u work for wendy’s.

      so if the poor bought cd’s before the recession, why wouldn’t they during?

      http://www.prettypancakes.com

  • http://www.asdf.com Hey

    Ya, pretty sure that Kanye album is gonna sell like hotcakes. Real talk, colored people.

  • capcobra

    whether hood niguz go and buy it or not….808′s gonna be 2nd most anticipated cd of the year…(the carter is #1)…it’s the one that everybody is buzzing about right now…from the haters to the appreciators…just look at all the comments his nigga name and songs get on xxl.

  • DV8

    DefJam is gonna be ok. They should be able to survive the 50/Em/Dre domination of 09. Everybody else who isnt independant is in trouble though.

  • BIGNAT

    SHIT IF THATS GOING FUCK UP JAYS MONEY WITH LIVE NATION HE GOING DO A SUPER 4 CD GREATEST HITS ALBUM WITH ONLY 4 NEW SONGS. THAT WAY THE LABEL GETS THERE LAST ALBUM AND JAY GETS TO RAP INTO HIS 40′S

    • DV8

      isnt he already in his 40′s?

  • Pierzy

    Isn’t this, like, the 8th blog you’ve written on the subject?? We get it – Kanye’s album sucks, Jay-Z is past his prime, Def Jam is in trouble. Move on.

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      Are you too good for your home?

      http://gyantscoop.com/

      • Pierzy

        Low blow, Mr. Crawford. I write in complete sentences and use proper punctuation so Gyant is immediately jealous of me.

  • BUKKA BUKKA

    “How bad did the version of the Blueprint 3 him and Kanye just put together have to be for it to be deemed unfit for release?”

    I assume you haven’t heard that ‘History’ track otherwise you wouldn’t be asking.