Eye Candy of the Year: Michelle Obama

I’d just like to point out, at the outset, that it isn’t my intention here to suggest that I find Michelle Obama to be more attractive than any number of women who make their living dancing around in their underwear in rap music videos.

I know it’s not kosher to say this so soon after this year’s historic presidential election, i.e. the moment when black people finally overcame, but I wouldn’t put her anywhere near the level of, say, Esther Baxter before she peaked at the ripe old age of 23 and started to look like a disgusting lunchlady. Barack Obama certainly could have done worse than he did, but he probably could have done better, too.

I’m just saying. In the past year, I’ve heard more discussion of Michelle Obama’s ass than I’ve heard of any other black woman’s ass since the emergence of Buffie the Body. Most video hoes could only hope to have as prominent a posterior. Think about it: Can you even name the last several broads who appeared in XXL’s Eye Candy section? (Though admittedly, part of that is because XXL is just letting anyone appear in the Eye Candy section these days.)

And if you notice, most of the discussion of Michelle Obama’s ass has been by black women. This week, there was a big story in Salon about Michelle’s badonkadonk by a black woman writer from the LA Times. And all across the Internets, there have been responses to it by… you guessed it, more black women. jimbrah izrael hasn’t even weighed in on it yet, and that used to be his shtick.

A lot of the discussion has centered on how Michelle Obama, and black women in general, have been objectified, but I can hardly even recall any guys discussing Michelle Obama’s ass other than Michael Eric Dyson’s comments after the Democratic National Convention. And obviously that had less to do with Michael Eric Dyson having any fascination with Michelle Obama’s ass in particular than the fact that Michael Eric Dyson was clearly born to pimp hoes. He wasn’t making any astute academic comments about the political significance of black female bodies. He was sizing her up… as a matter of reflex.

To hear many black women – including the girl who did the story in Salon – tell it, Michelle Obama being married to the guy who won this year’s presidential election is a victory for black women, in that this is the first time we’ve had a First Lady with a backside suitable for Smooth magazine, and this might change people’s pereceptions of black women’s bodies. The idea being that the dimensions of a black woman’s ass vis a vis a white woman’s ass makes her seem uncouth, overly sexual, and all sorts of other such bullshit.


I never really thought of it that way.

To test whether or not this hypothesis is true, let’s conduct a little experiment. Since I know a lot of cracka-ass crackas read this site, the results of this experiment ought to be especially instructive.

Fellas, by a show of hands, have any of you ever been scoping out a broad, but then you got turned off by the fact that her ass was too big? Not too big in the sense that she was obviously sufferring from some weight issues, mind you. Too big in the sense that she had a nice, firm, well=proportioned bubble – like black women used to be known to have, before McDonalds got the best of them. Have any of you ever gotten with a girl, and thought to yourselves, “You know, I like this girl a lot. I just wish her ass was more flat. Like a book?”

Obviously, it’d be pretty difficult to see people raise their hands over the Internets. But something tells me there isn’t a whole lot of dudes raising their hands right about now. I’m not buying this argument that people have a problem with the shape of a black woman’s body, per se. Which is not to say that black women don’t have an image problem. They definitely do. It’s just that I don’t think it has much to do with any unfortunate consequence of nature. And as such, I don’t know if seeing Michelle Obama’s on TV every day for the next 4-8 years is really gonna help matters.

Having black women that Joe Biden might describe as “clean” on TV more often might help with the perception of black women as being overly sexual, a lot of which has to do with so many black women shaking their asses in rap music videos – the ultimate blame for which, I think, ultimately resides with black women. That is, if there even is such a perception. That might be one of those stereotypes that’s held over from the days when the vast majority of black women weren’t all but guaranteed to die alone. If anything that might be one of those stereotypes that’s worth holding on to – like the size of a black man’s cock. (Which happens to be true, in my case!)

As far as black women being viewed as being uncouth, which I believe is a synonym for barbaric, or lacking in social graces, I’m at a loss for what that has to do with the size of a black woman’s ass. It could just be that so many black women have huge asses, and so many black women are… let’s face it, rather uncouth, that having a big ass has come to be associated with having a brain that’s incapable of producing the chemical that provides one with a sense of tact. But obviously that’s just bullshit. I’ve known a number of white women with big asses who also had nice personalities.

If you recall, Michelle Obama herself had some issues with her personality, early on in the campaign season. Remember when she went on 60 Minutes talking about how she does nothing but talk shit about Barack when they’re alone with one another, and how he could get shot going to put some gas in the car? Clearly, someone pulled her aside and explained to her that she needed to know her role for the remainder of the election. (Hopefully, it was Barack himself. But let’s keep it real, it probably wasn’t.) They probably didn’t mention anything to her about her ass. Because her ass didn’t have anything to do with it.

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  • chitchat

    Thanks for missing the point.

    The Salon lady wasn’t saying guys don’t like women with big asses. She was saying that black women with big asses have been devalued as hypersexual animals throughout history with their big asses used to support that assertion. When a smart, big-assed woman starts living in the White House it’ll be harder to associate big asses with nappy-headed-hoe-ness. Or maybe you get the point and intentionally overlook it for humor’s sake. In which case, try harder. This blog was boring.

  • http://www.prettypancakes.com amar

    lol this was some funny shit from left field to read, after post after post from u about racism and ugly shit-starting rappers hahahha

    but i think ur right-nobody has a problem with naturally fat asses. That’s why kim kardashian is a hit with both black folks AND white folks. Halle Barry doesn’t have the biggest donk, but it’s also prolly larger than a lota women’s, and she’s like #1 on many ppl’s lists. J-Lo was too back in the day and i’d bang the shit outta selma hayack…man, the things i’d do to selma hayack.

    I wouldn’t be able to think of michelle obama like that though. Nothing even to d owith looks, she comes off like an aunt or something!


    • Smel

      -not men on the street. Ya’ll missed the point. Of course men on the street love a big ass. Even white men on the street love a big ass, dating all the way back to the slave quarter excursions.

      These commentators mean how Black professional/corporate women have to try and hide their asses when they go to work…that sort of thing.

      Big asses are seen as unruly, unprofessional, distracting. Just like a ‘fro, though Michelle doesn’t seem to be willing to authenticate that look quite yet.

      This topic doesn’t really apply to the music industry, where you can show your ass whenever you feel like it, and it will usually benefit you.

  • 619

    Michelle Obama got some backyard boogie. And to answer the question: no, I’ve never seen a nonfat woman with too much ass, since ass is one of the first things I focus my attention on. Shit, I never even watched tennis before I realized what Serena Williams was workin’ with. XXL should start an ass award bracket. Serena would be my pick, no question.

  • http://www.incilin.blogspot.com Incilin

    Not a bad post.

  • Phil

    Hm. Interesting. Of course I noticed Mrs. Obama’s figure, but…

    she’s about to be our FIRST LADY, gentlemen.

    Let’s start living up to a better standard of respect for our women, because it’s clear that the media are going to be fascinated by the Obamas in ways we haven’t even imagined yet. And it’s going to be embarrassing…like this topic! C’mon now my dudes! We should not even be discussing this the way the media is.

    • master cheef

      is this Dr. Phil?

  • FlapJack

    Well, there actually are some people I know that really dig small asses (with some big-ass unproportional titties to go with).. And when I tell them it looks like a ten-year old, I get these strange looks, like: are you trying to tell me ten-year olds don’t have nice asses?
    I’ve allways considered them gay.. but they definetly exist

    • Smel

      My father always says, “never trust a woman shaped like a rooster…they CRAZY”

      (huge titties, no ass)

  • OG Matt Herbz

    Yo for real does Michelle Obama have an ass like that?! I’m a have to fire my Secretary of the Posterior for not informing me sooner, mang, this is a fuckin revelation! I’m a have to check youtube for some clips or something, but in the meantime, I’m just sitting here thinking how “Hitting if from the back” is the way God intended sex to be, you know? I mean, you put the two things together, and it just fits, you know, like Africa and South America–consequently the two continents that produce the finest bubbles, nahmean?! Don’t get me wrong, mang, titties are nice, but the ass is crucial to the overall ratings. Aside from awkward titty-sex, there ain’t much you can do with titties and sucking on em is for middle-schoolers–that’s a fact.

    So now there is a position open. Who would like to be my new Secretary of The Posterior?

    Send applications to Matt.Herbz@wnm08.org

    –OG Matt Herbz–

    • master cheef

      “Aside from awkward titty-sex, there aint much you can do with titties and sucking on em is for middle-schoolers-that’s a fact.”

      Epic, Epic, Epic Fail. You truly are an herb. my friend.

    • Monitor

      Real Talk…asses are always important, but I’ll never…and I mean never, get over suckin on some dime ass titties. As soon as that bra comes off some titty suckin is in order haha.

      • http://www.prettypancakes.com amar

        yeah wtf man, first u talk about how doing it from behind is the only way and then u cal titties useless? What’s next-replace the vajayjay with a cock? Goddamn man…

        • OG Matt Herbz

          @ amar: Don’t get it twisted, son…and don’t be the first to have no operation just to fux with me–I’m cool without, ya know?

          But, I guess I ain’t never been a sucker for sucking some titties, mang. What I’m saying is, that’s not my objective once the clothes are off. When I’m hot, it ain’t my tongue that gets stiff, my nigga. If you really want to excel at using your mouth on a woman, the tits are a nice starting point, but what separates the men from the boys is whether or not that ALSO the finish line. Fact: I’ll let her twiddle ‘em herself if that’s what she likes, but trust me, you can be the best titty sucker in the world, but if you can’t twurk the V, then there’s no hope for you.

          Fuck it, I’m sticking to my word: I likes to flip my women around so I got the ass and everything right there for the taking. I likes to see my options, nahmean? You middle-schoolers need to get past 2nd base, mang…and yeah, Mrs. Obama is now officially on the “Most Wanted List.”

          –OG Matt Herbz–

    • EReal

      I’ve never had akward titty-sex. Thats a fact.

      Herbz is Homo.

      • og bobby j

        ereal…you never been titty fucking a broad while sitting on her face and her tongue in your ass?

        Me either….but that sounds like some akward titty sex….im just sayin

        As for titties….I kinda agree with Herbz. I live me some titties…but id rather work on the beef curtains and get to causing the back ripples (like throwing a rock in the pond)…then suck some titties.

        Plus….I can fux with them silver dollar pancake nipples..shits creepy


    “I know it’s not kosher to say this so soon after this year’s historic presidential election, i.e. the moment when black people finally overcame” obama is not just black so it’s historic for all people except anyone who voted for mccain hahahahahah

  • master cheef

    i have seen women of all races with the oh-so-coveted bubble butt, all nice and round and tight, you know the kind you can bounce a quarter off of.(yes, tons of white women have it too!)

    unlike that incredibly lame herb, matt, i dont value one part over the other. the ass, titties, legs, pussy, abs, back, and all that shit should work together in perfect unison like a well-oiled machine.

    • http://www.prettypancakes.com amar

      rofl i was with u until abs…chicks with 6 packs freak me the fuck out

  • http://www.myspace.com/producerjamesmoore producer James Moore

    the results are gonna be a little biased, when you ask fans of the magazine that brings you Eye Candy every month, and a hip-hop mag in general, that’s a different kind of white person so to speak, you gotta go on the Maxim forum or something


    I’ve never seen any particularly good shots of our First Lady’s ass… No links, Bol? What gives???

  • geico lizard

    I didnt see that interview where michelle admitted to talking crap about obama but that does sound like alot of black women these days thats why so many are single no one wants to put up with getting nagged everyday. Black women used to support black men to go out and be something but now they tend to tell black men they are no good and on the DL so black men either go have a drink or find a woman who wont treat them like shit at home. michelle is still nagging a guy who is about to be president so that proves it no matter how big you get women will still find a reason to talk shit to you.

  • giantstepp

    “And obviously that had less to do with Michael Eric Dyson having any fascination with Michelle Obama’s ass in particular than the fact that Michael Eric Dyson was clearly born to pimp hoes” …LMAO!

    Ayo Bol, I can see this dude pimping hoes. Thats my dude, but his gift of gab is SERIOUS! He can pimp whenever he decides too, no muthafuckn doubt! lol

  • Maxman

    Bol! quit this damn site, its past its prime anyway, just do your site-its way better anyway… or post your xxl posts on your site too, just a thought!

  • http://www.best-kiev-apartments.com/ kyiv apartments apartment kyiv

    That’s also why I often have more fun when I work outside my fields of knowledge or expertise. Thanks for reminding me… things have been a bit dreary lately and maybe a nice veer into the unknown is what I’m craving.