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Eye Candy of the Year: Michelle Obama

I’d just like to point out, at the outset, that it isn’t my intention here to suggest that I find Michelle Obama to be more attractive than any number of women who make their living dancing around in their underwear in rap music videos.

I know it’s not kosher to say this so soon after this year’s historic presidential election, i.e. the moment when black people finally overcame, but I wouldn’t put her anywhere near the level of, say, Esther Baxter before she peaked at the ripe old age of 23 and started to look like a disgusting lunchlady. Barack Obama certainly could have done worse than he did, but he probably could have done better, too.

I’m just saying. In the past year, I’ve heard more discussion of Michelle Obama’s ass than I’ve heard of any other black woman’s ass since the emergence of Buffie the Body. Most video hoes could only hope to have as prominent a posterior. Think about it: Can you even name the last several broads who appeared in XXL’s Eye Candy section? (Though admittedly, part of that is because XXL is just letting anyone appear in the Eye Candy section these days.)

And if you notice, most of the discussion of Michelle Obama’s ass has been by black women. This week, there was a big story in Salon about Michelle’s badonkadonk by a black woman writer from the LA Times. And all across the Internets, there have been responses to it by… you guessed it, more black women. jimbrah izrael hasn’t even weighed in on it yet, and that used to be his shtick.

A lot of the discussion has centered on how Michelle Obama, and black women in general, have been objectified, but I can hardly even recall any guys discussing Michelle Obama’s ass other than Michael Eric Dyson’s comments after the Democratic National Convention. And obviously that had less to do with Michael Eric Dyson having any fascination with Michelle Obama’s ass in particular than the fact that Michael Eric Dyson was clearly born to pimp hoes. He wasn’t making any astute academic comments about the political significance of black female bodies. He was sizing her up… as a matter of reflex.

To hear many black women – including the girl who did the story in Salon – tell it, Michelle Obama being married to the guy who won this year’s presidential election is a victory for black women, in that this is the first time we’ve had a First Lady with a backside suitable for Smooth magazine, and this might change people’s pereceptions of black women’s bodies. The idea being that the dimensions of a black woman’s ass vis a vis a white woman’s ass makes her seem uncouth, overly sexual, and all sorts of other such bullshit.


I never really thought of it that way.

To test whether or not this hypothesis is true, let’s conduct a little experiment. Since I know a lot of cracka-ass crackas read this site, the results of this experiment ought to be especially instructive.

Fellas, by a show of hands, have any of you ever been scoping out a broad, but then you got turned off by the fact that her ass was too big? Not too big in the sense that she was obviously sufferring from some weight issues, mind you. Too big in the sense that she had a nice, firm, well=proportioned bubble – like black women used to be known to have, before McDonalds got the best of them. Have any of you ever gotten with a girl, and thought to yourselves, “You know, I like this girl a lot. I just wish her ass was more flat. Like a book?”

Obviously, it’d be pretty difficult to see people raise their hands over the Internets. But something tells me there isn’t a whole lot of dudes raising their hands right about now. I’m not buying this argument that people have a problem with the shape of a black woman’s body, per se. Which is not to say that black women don’t have an image problem. They definitely do. It’s just that I don’t think it has much to do with any unfortunate consequence of nature. And as such, I don’t know if seeing Michelle Obama’s on TV every day for the next 4-8 years is really gonna help matters.

Having black women that Joe Biden might describe as “clean” on TV more often might help with the perception of black women as being overly sexual, a lot of which has to do with so many black women shaking their asses in rap music videos – the ultimate blame for which, I think, ultimately resides with black women. That is, if there even is such a perception. That might be one of those stereotypes that’s held over from the days when the vast majority of black women weren’t all but guaranteed to die alone. If anything that might be one of those stereotypes that’s worth holding on to – like the size of a black man’s cock. (Which happens to be true, in my case!)

As far as black women being viewed as being uncouth, which I believe is a synonym for barbaric, or lacking in social graces, I’m at a loss for what that has to do with the size of a black woman’s ass. It could just be that so many black women have huge asses, and so many black women are… let’s face it, rather uncouth, that having a big ass has come to be associated with having a brain that’s incapable of producing the chemical that provides one with a sense of tact. But obviously that’s just bullshit. I’ve known a number of white women with big asses who also had nice personalities.

If you recall, Michelle Obama herself had some issues with her personality, early on in the campaign season. Remember when she went on 60 Minutes talking about how she does nothing but talk shit about Barack when they’re alone with one another, and how he could get shot going to put some gas in the car? Clearly, someone pulled her aside and explained to her that she needed to know her role for the remainder of the election. (Hopefully, it was Barack himself. But let’s keep it real, it probably wasn’t.) They probably didn’t mention anything to her about her ass. Because her ass didn’t have anything to do with it.

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