Bow Wow’s gotta be what, like 25 now? He was putting out those kiddie rap albums back when I was in high school, and I’m older than a motherfucker. I haven’t even been in college for going on five years, and remember they kept me around for that extra year.
He probably reached the point where he was a little bit too old to be performing for stadiums full of nothing but 12 year-old girls fairly early on in his career, but I can hardly fault him for continuing to do so well into his 20s. I’m sure the money was fantastic. And it’s becoming more and more clear to me these days that a man can never have too much money. If I thought there was a significant amount of money to be made, I’d probably consider doing a column for Highlights for Children. I doubt it’d be much of a step down from what I’ve been doing.
Plus, you know how it is in the black community. Statutory rape isn’t statutory rape per se, if no one gives a shit. That’s why no one gave a shit once it became clear that R Kelly’s probably got a suitcase somewhere full of tapes just like the one we all know and love. Let’s keep it real: If you’re black you’ve probably got a female cousin who’s like 30, who’s got a son who’s like 18, and the kid’s father probably like 60 and has upwards of 30 other kids. You think Bow Wow didn’t get any groupie love on those Scream tours? As young as he looks, he could probably re-enroll in high school today and have his pick of extra-tight vagine.
Ah, if only I hadn’t spent the past 10 years abusing various substances and gorging myself on fast food.
But I guess there’s only so much fresh stank a young brother can have on his hanglow before he’s compelled to move on to greener pastures, so to speak. (Though I’d definitely like to put this hypothesis to the test.) Bow Wow doesn’t wanna be putting out Best of Both Worlds albums with Omarion for the rest of his life, especially now that we know Omarion spent his teenage years getting bufued by his manager. Literally, as opposed to figuratively. He’s trying to break into Hollywood and get that Will Smith money. One problem though: He still looks like a fucking 8 year-old. The only way Bow Wow’s gonna become an action hero is if Robert Rodriguez decides to direct a black spinoff of one of those Spy Kids movies. And you know those Mexicans don’t really fuck with black people like that.
Hence, Bow Wow’s handlers have been on a mission as of late to make him look like an actual adult. I knew something was up when I saw him on Entourage banging a broad (NSFW). The TIs probably had the producers of Entourage include that scene, just so people could see that Bow Wow really is fucking – and fucking grown women at that. It’s a move not unlike pretending as if one of his sex tapes accidentally got stolen from his house and posted on the Internets. Perhaps one with Kim Kardashian, with whom I wouldn’t mind doing a sex tape – except, I don’t need that fag T-Pain checking out the size of my “meat.” However, I’m not sure if paying some stripper to bounce up and down on top of him on TV was as convincing as it would be if Bow Wow actually banged a broad and let the world smell his finger, as it were.
Enter Superhead. (Haven’t we all? *rimshot*) Did Bow Wow hit that? The rumor is that she’s pregnant, and Bow Wow is the father. Which, if it’s true, would constitute an epic fail, and would pretty much preclude Bow Wow from ever being considered a man, as far as I’m concerned. How in the fuck are you gonna have a baby with Superhead – the most legendary rap industry jumpoff of all time? At least when Kool G Rap had a baby by her, it was a while still before she was discovered by the late, great kris ex. But if Bow Wow just dropped a load on Superhead’s wig and peaced out… well, that’s another story. I’m sure many would argue that you just plain shouldn’t fuck Superhead, but I’m not gonna lie. For what it’s worth, i.e. not a whole lot, if I had a top 5 black chicks, Superhead might be in it, right up there with right wing political commentator Amy Holmes.
Case in point, this video on Superhead’s site, where she stokes the rumor of her being pregnant with Bow Wow’s baby by pretending to be upset with people spreading rumors of her being pregnant with Bow Wow’s baby, and ultimately declining to state whether or not Bow Wow ran up in that. (Which of course means he did, right?) If we’re not supposed to notice that one of her cans is dangerously close to falling out of her shirt, it definitely doesn’t help matters that she pulls her shirt over it early on in the clip, then lets it slide right back out. Whoa! I’m not even gonna describe for you fruits how much I enjoyed this video. Suffice it to say it took me a couple of times watching it to figure out what the fuck she was trying to say.
She wants us to think that Bow Wow might have added his name to the lengthy list of rappers who have had sex with Superhead, and that the baby she’s pregnant with might be his. Which I took to mean that the baby, if there even is a baby, definitely isn’t his, but that he may or may not have had sex with her. I certainly hope he has. The idea that Superhead could use a rapper’s name to promote her books without even letting him get his weenie wet, as if that’s not what she does anyway, is just wrong. If Bow Wow wants the hip-hop community to think he’s a real man, he needs to level with us. Did he fuck Superhead? If so, why? (Besides the obvious…) And if not, how in the fuck is he gonna let her have people think he did? That’s just not what a man does.