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XXL Rates MTV’s VMAs

Once TV’s most entertaining award show, MTV’s VMAs have received lukewarm reviews in recent years.

Back with a relatively unknown host (to Americans), Russell Brand, MTV attempted to revamp the VMAs on its 25th birthday.

Host (M): It’s not that Russell Brand was that bad, the comedian’s “junky British humor” as one of our staffer would say, was just a bit too out of place for the average VMA viewer. The ambiguous hair-do, pirate-like wardrobe and excessive sexual cracks didn’t help either.

Performances (L):  Had it not be for performances, last night’s telecast would have been a total yawn. Weezy did good (twice), but Rihanna (twice) and Pink stole the show, turning in electrifying performances complete with extensive stage props.

Awards (L): So Britney, who coincidentally bombed as last year’s opener, conveniently wins the first moon man of her storied career and wins a total of 3 to lead all winners. Did we mention MTV ran a Britney Special recapping the singer’s VMA history hours before the show’s broadcast?

Skits (L):  Jonah Hill (Knocked Up, Superbad) and Britney Spears’ dressing room interaction definitely made for some of the night’s funniest moments.

Presenters (L): Demi Moore was a nice surprise until she forgot her mic and walked the wrong way to announce the next award. Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Mc Lovin) turned out to be an unexpected highlight when he confessed, “I’m so trashed!”

Overall Awards Show (L): The show wasn’t that bad. It just wasn’t that good.

Missed the VMAs last night. Well, before catching the rerun coming onin the next half hour, see our staffers’ play-by-play of last night’s award show.

Russell Brand & Christina Aguilera…

Light: Ok, who is Russell Brand??

Jackpot: All I know is he looks like a pirate.

Light: With this Euro dude and scary Russell B. I feel like it’s a glorified Lifestyles of the Headbangers Ball.

Jackpot: Britney is looking good. She looks sane.

Nessa: Go Britney – glad she got her shit together. Wish she rocked the short hair and some point.

Light: I was waiting for her to stumble off the stage…and for the record, she didn’t open the awards!

Rihanna Performing Live… Did Rihanna get thicker? Them thighs looking King worthy?

Light: TV puts on 10 lbs. In all the right places. Her hair looks like Pepe Le-pew’s!!

Nessa: I like Rihanna – did u hear about T.I. fighting. C. Brown during rehearsal?

Light: Nope! You mean T.I.P. was fighting right?

More Branding…

Light: Russell B. “Dude looks like a laaaady!!” Whoa! Pause! I can’t watch this guy all night. Is he wearing hip huggers/nut huggers? And I wanna hear English not whatever he is speaking.

Jackpot: For real! I have to say “pause” after anything that comes out of his mouth, pause. Has anyone figured out what his pirate looking ass does yet?

Nessa: My friend says he’s a comedian from Britain – ex drug addict – in recent movie — that’s all I got.

Light: Why is the back of his hair standing up? I stopped watching let me know when that guy is off air…By the way Russell Simmons > Russell Jones > Russell B

Jackpot: Russell Crowe > Russell B… Kurt Russell > Russell B

Light: Wayne raided Samantha Ronson’s closet!!

Chope: Did somebody say Wayne & Sam Ronson are now going out? I’d like to start that rumor. Wayne had to make sure his cup handler came.

Britney Wins Best Female Video…

Light: Best Female Video-Rihanna.

Nessa: Britney – seriously? Is that how they got her on the show?

Jackpot: Apparently this is Britney’s first VMA ever. At least according to some special I saw today.

Light: Wack way to get it.

The Jonas Brothers Perform…

Light: When did we cut to Sesame Street??

Phelps Introduces Weezy…

Jackpot: Goofy ass Michael Phelps can so get laid with a celeb tonight.

Nessa: The milli dollar man….

Light: Marshmello Mouth Phelps is in the building!!!

Jackpot: Where’s Wayne’s shirt? Is he bout to swim?

Nessa: White pants after labor day.

Red: No shirt? This isn’t fair. I need cable.

Davina: Yo, tell me if I’m wrong but did Wayne get a lip piercing?

Light: That would be crazy if he did…

Jackpot: I think that’s actually a lower cheek piercing.

Light: Cheek is a “pause” word, regardless. He’s in Dennis Rodman territory if he’s piercing.

Jackpot: “On some faggot boy ish, call him Dennis Rodman.” Who got the DVR to rewind and verify the cheek (pause) piercing

Davina: I am going to bet I saw some kind of piercing for a hot second. He has officially crossed over to hipster central.

Nessa: Yes he does have lip ring with stud instead of hoop I am blown away.

Light: Guess he ran out of skin for tattoos…

PCD Wins Award…

Who are them chicks standing next to Nicole Sherzinger?


Jackpot: Who is this individual on stage now?

Light: If you talking about yellow pants, I’m feeling him…er, her.

Nessa: I can’t deal with yellow pants girls.

Datwon: Is that Kathy Griffith??

Nessa: Hahahaha! Kathy Griffin.

Jackpot: I guess she finally got off the D list.

Kanye Closes The Show…

Jackpot: Who wants to bet that the studio version of this Kanye song is auto-tuned out.

Chope: I made it just in time for Ye…he’s talking about “Lockdown Love?” P.S: Rappers stop singing.

Light: Ok, he really is singing…waiting for the hot 16.

Nessa: Drums r hot. Inspired by Olympics opening? Is this about the ex? “Lost the only girl in the work that know me best.”

Jackpot: That was about his mom.

Light: Mom inspired?

Jackpot: Not this particular song, but the line v brought up from “put on” was.

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