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Who Exactly Has Swagger Like Puff?

Talk about negroes making SDN Tournament pushes.

As if you needed a reason to listen to “Swagger Like Puff” twice inna lifetime, Poppa Diddy Pop created 2 installments of the corresponding Diddy Blog.

SLP Diddy Blog #1

SLP Diddy Blog #2

I fear for Black America if there’s actually a wave of children spanning the globe that want “swagger” like Puff’s shiny ass. Swagger of that persuasion consists of trying too damn hard, pouring orange juice in inappropriate places and being an SDN on his way to beating O.D.B.–None of which is a good look.

Wu-Tang is for the children, children.

Actually, I’ll take that last one back. Shiny Suit Sean is nowhere near as lustrous as he once was. Aside from all the blood diamonds, homie’s actually looking a little ashy. Diddy got that old-nigga-at-the-club swagger in full swing with that New Jack City sweatsuit/Jeep combination.

“..and the bitches? Lawwwwd, the bitches. I got my jimmy waxed like 4 of 5 times this week! They wasn’t coming back for Da Band! They comin back for Donnie Klang!”

Donnie Klang just sounds like some weird slang term for an illicit drug.

“Lemme get some of that Donnie Klang, cuz. I’ll suck yo’ diiiick!”

Who pours orange juice on cereal? If that ain’t some Golden Girls shit, I don’t know what is. Maybe Ciroc Obama should be calling himself “Estelle Ghetto.” (R.I.P. Sophia) If he’s lactose intolerant, that’s further indication of old-ass-niggadom.

[Blogger’s Note: Y’all niggas better stop actin like I was the only nigga who watched Golden Girls with grandma-nana on a slow Saturday afternoon.]

Why did he censor the pouring orange juice on his Froot Loops (aside from the fact that shit is fucking disgusting)? Was there lean on the cereal or something? Eh, if the cereal was covered in lean I don’t think he’d ever be able to get Lil Wayne to leave the studio.

Shit… That’s how I’ll get Lil Wayne to do the theme song for my site! I’ll offer him a bowl of lean-covered Froot Loops. Genius! I can bake weed into shit. I’m pretty damn sure I can come up with an entire menu of Lean Cuisine for that poor little nigga.

Weezy: Yo, Ronnie. Lemme get another piece of that Lasagna! That shit better than Cita’s.

Ron Mexico: I knew you’d like it.

Weezy: Yah! *stammering* I could taste the lean. I could taste the lean, but… *goes into mini-stooper and quickly recovers* lemme ax you… What else you put in there?

RM: You know. Cheese. Ground turkey. Noodles and shit. That green shit on the top is grated $100 bills.

Weezy: I love you like my daddy. *comes in for kiss*

RM: *backing away* That’s aight, my nigga.

Hmm. Maybe I won’t be making that Lean Cuisine after all.

“I made dating R&B chicks cool?” “Suck it ‘til your hymen pops?” Is that any way to talk about Cassie? She’s already down to go half on that baby. Why disrespect her fur–

Oh, shit. “Half on a Baby?” “Suck it ’til your hymen pops?” Sounds like somebody’s been hanging with R. Kelly. From the way the interview sounded last week, I think Puffy might have been Kelly’s coach.

Actually, R. Kelly would hear a line like that and be like “damn, nigga. That’s fucking repulsive.” That’s not the way to “Sex Planet.”

How does one’s jewelry get to looking like B5? How does one acquire bouncy Puerto Rican S-Curl ice? Does your chain dance its ass off under bright lights and make terrible sounds? I’ll be waiting for an explanation of that line in particular. I won’t hold my breath as I’ll probably be waiting as long as The Lox did for their publishing rights.

When you have to beg the DJs to not switch off of your track, you lose. Nobody wants to hear you talk shit without Biggie in front of, I mean–behind you.

For as much as the song proclaims unique “swagger” in principle, the product is more of the same like Jawn McCain. Puffy is not only doing what every ghetto nigga does as soon as he gets his tax return, I mean–hands on some change, but he’s doing it poorly. This man used to be a trendsetter. Now he’s the old guy clearly a few steps behind trying to keep up with the youngsters.

If he didn’t have so much damn money I’d be embarrassed for dude.

“I gotta go back to Harlem like a museum to remember what bein all fucked up was like.”

He’ll fuck around now and see nothing but the children of wealthy and well-to-do white folks… save for the projects and such. We all know he ain’t goin there. I know I shouldn’t but I’d love to see an additional minute or two of this video with Puff getting snatched out of that doorless jeep and tossed face first into a pile of doo-doo.


Don’t patronize the hood by coming down from Mount Olympus to bask in it for inspiration. Drop by your baby mama house and play with your kids or something, you old-ass nigga.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Still wanna act like Puffy when you grow old up?

SDN Tournament Round 1, Division A voting will close tonight at midnight!

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