SDN Tournament Round 1 – Division A
September Sadness is finally upon us!
Please be advised that convicted felons are allowed to vote.
If you’re a latecomer to the SDN Tournament, please get your brackets here. Without further delay we present the Division A first round matchups!
Two Words. Smart Dumb. Drunk Hot. Ghetto Mess. Negro, Please!
#1 – Kanye West – Smart enough to flip tragedy into the launching point for a lucrative musical career. Dumb enough to genuinely believe he is the second coming of Stevie Wonder or some shit. Smart enough to seize national television stage to request Katrina Clap. Dumb enough to think he could wing attack.
#16 – Mos Def – Smart enough to garner acclaim as one of hip-hop’s finest true lyricists. Very talented actor, poet, public speaker and political activist. Dumb enough to get caught up in skripper baby mama drama like the DDNs he’s denounced throughout entire musical career.
Fantasy Remix Battle
#8 – Diddy – Smart enough to build Bad Boy into the media empire it had been 10 years ago is today. Dumb enough to make EweToube vlog eliminating any questions regarding lack of education and below-average intelligence.
#9 – O.D.B. – Smart enough to not only be the most unique/eccentric/cracked-out MC you’d ever heard, but to make his style work in any musical format. Possibly figured out the true meaning of life. Drank, smoked and fucked accordingly. Dumb enough to land in prison and crap out on a white horse. Lest we speak of the army of dirties he left behind.
Battle of the Dope Boys (Get Well Soon, Travis!)
#5 – The Game – Marketing/self-promotion genius. Talented lyricist. Hopeless dickrider. Dumb enough to cover face tattoo with larger face tattoo, then cover that face tattoo with even larger face tattoo.
#12 – T.I. Has enough understanding to excel in rapster community service before court mandate to do so. Denounces dope boy lifestyle in music. Is aware that felons can re-register to vote. Dumb enough to wife Tiny. Dumb enough to buy illegal machine guns in person from ATF agents. [Smart enough to have a rap sheet longer than Cappadonna’s “Winter Warz” verse and only catch one-and-one?]
Vocab Battle (Fugee-Free)
#4 – Lil Wayne – Arguably the wittiest young lyricist in hip-hop today. Dumb enough not to know difference between “air” and “heir.” Provides visual instruction on how to create lean. Smart enough to know it’s going to kill him [as it has several noteworthy southern hip-hop figures] because you ain’t. Refuses to leave Birdman’s poolhouse.
#13 – Ghostface – Wu-Tang’s most clever and charismatic member. Smart enough to make world love his lyrics. Dumb enough whereas few of them make sense outside of his PCP blunt cipher. Popularized term “Smart Dumb Nigga.”
2 Of Amerika’z Most Wanted Battle
#3 – Snoop Dogg – Smart enough to be one of the greatest lyricists in hip-hop history. Last album exhibits Snoop still has active neurons. Crossover ingenuity proven with “Sensual Seduction” and subsequent video. Dumb enough to think Snoop Dogg Clothing would do anything more than keep homeless warm [in participating shelters, soup kitchens, Goodwill Superstore and Salvation Army locations]. Interviews and reality show appearances prove he’s smoked himself moronic.
#14 – Tupac Shakur – Renaissance man. Talented musician, poet and actor. Created extensive catalogue of insightful music before passing. Dumb enough to let greatest acting role take him away from us.
#6 – Plies – Creates some of the most ignorant, unintelligible music known to man. Is clearly nowhere near as ignorant as his catalogue portrays. Amazingly so, actually. Provides sound market analysis. Clearly took a 200-level economics course at some point. [See: Adventures of Lil’ Jon.]
#11 – Kimora Lee Simmons – Smart enough to stick Blood Diamond Russ good. Gets African soupbone Zulu cane from Mr. Blood Diamond himself. Built Baby Phat empire on BDR’s dime. Dumb enough to get caught blowing Swisher Sweets and throwing middle finger to laws while gripping balls just minutes from her own Russell’s backyard. Smart enough to resist urge to cut record deal.
Super Battle: Man vs. Head
#7 – Eminem – Arguably hip-hop’s all-time finest lyricist. Figured out how to turn shock-value celebrity into one of the greatest subsidiary empires in music history… on 50 Cent’s back. Will pistol-whip a nigga from atop planet. Convinced himself that people would give a shit about D12.
#10 – Karrine “Superhead” Steffans – Smart enough to capitalize on being ping-pong ball of 90s rap. Smart enough to own rights to alias. Mouth
Twitter game CRAZY! Dumb enough to expect same field she slutted around in and blabbed about to respect someone known as “Superhead.”
Wise God Knowledge Battle
#2 – KRS-ONE – Usually we call “teachers” who never went to school “bum-ass niggas.” In Kris Parker’s case discography has done more good for black community than many actual grade school educators. Unfortunately thinks hip-hop rises and sets in his funky, nappy ass.
#15 – RZA – The King Ruler Zig-Zag Zig Allah suffers from Ghostface Nonsensical Syndrome to an extent. Has been smart enough not only to be brain and engine of Wu-Tang empire, but has also taken nicely to acting. Interviews leave much to be desired in the way of god knowledge that only sounds good after extended dooooololoolooolooololoolololooooooop!
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