NEGRO PLEASE: Floyd Mayweather Robs His Own Jewelz
[Editor’s Note: “Blogger’s Note” has been taken over by Ron Mexico until further notice.]
It’s Robbery Week on “Negro, Please!”
[Blogger’s Note: I know. That sounds very “Wheel of [Mis]Fortune.”]
It was cold in the D, even colder in London and now as we’re all well aware, Floyd “Money [Only]” Mayweather’s been tooken for what he appraises to be over $7 million in jewelry. After keeping the unfortunate but hilarious details of the incident under wraps for nearly three weeks, “Pretty Boy” is now offering a $100,000 reward for information leading to the discovery of his “preeeeeeciousssss.”
Floyd may as well write that check and mail it to the following address:
Ron Mexico City
c/o Ronaldo Horacio Mexico
2300 Jackson Street
Harlem, NY 10030
That’s right. I know EXACTLY what happened to this nigga’s shit.
In MTV Cribs history’s most vile and pompous display of nigger richness, the pound-for-pound best fighter of his generation provides play-by-play instruction on how to rob his ass blind of the most important thing in a New Money Negro’s world.
Between his bobbing and weaving prowess and rolling with 50 Cent so hard, you’d think this man would have better instinctual ability reading goonies and “How To Rob.”
Mayweather takes a moment to incant his own omen as soon as the cameras cross the threshold of his foyer.
“We have to lock the house.”
By the time you make it past Black Jesus (who is also my homeboy), the closet full of Ramen Noodles and Instant Grits (WTF?!) and the shower for 12, Ugly Boy Floyd shows the entire world exactly where to find a jewelry stash worth more than the GDP of several African nations… put together.
In the rapster blog world I think we call showing everyone your naked jewel stash on television a “self-etherization.”
A nigga didn’t even need to fill a Jansport to come off with a star NBA player’s entire annual salary. No weapons or hand skills were necessary. All Deebo and Smokey have to do is wait until Stanley goes to work, tip-toe across his grass and hop up into that window.
Smokey: Fuck you, Craaaaig! We just came up on like… $7.5 million. Ain’t that right, Deebooooo! *Chris Tucker neck roll*
Deebo: I just came up on like $7.5 million dollars. *walks away slowly with Jansport*
Whoever took Floyd’s shit, I too implore that you do the right thing and return it. His grandmama gave him that chain. Heh. Heh.
For realsies, though–I’ll tell you what, if you own a $500,000 watch and a Jimmy Jazz outlet in your bedroom watch you deserve to get robbed on principle. You especially deserve whatever ill comes of leaving the shit on your bathroom sink and not in a fucking jewelry safe. Fuck a $100,000 reward. I’ll break that Rolex apart and buy back my freedom.
At least make them jacker-ass niggas think they have to work for it. Set up a Tony Montana standoff instead of mawfuckas only needing to wait until you go
to the strip club grocery shopping.
“I got a lot of problems but money ain’t one of them. I make it rain.”
That’s a rap song right there! You know… one of those annoying-ass fake-DJ Screw choruses.
[Blogger’s Note: For anyone questioning the hip-hop relevance of this drop, we’ve already established Mayweather’s second job as 50 Cent’s peg boy. Not only did dude have enough chains and watches to make Juelz Santana’s back-of-the-June 1999 Source spread look paltry as fuck, but he was also relieved of it all.
That’s hip-hop as fuck.]
Oh, well. Negro… Please have fun re-upping the jewelry safe sink counter next fight.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Still wanna make it rain, yea? With a bunch of chains, yea? firstname.lastname@example.org
I love how Lumidee’s crib is next. Bwaaaahahaha! She didn’t even seem excited.
“This is some bullshit,” murmured a despondent Lumidee behind the wheel of her custom KIA Sedona.
I mean, how you follow that Mayweather shit?! That’s a Shaq/Cory Gunz “Mario Wallet” moment if I’ve ever heard of one!