The camel’s back!

To think, when I woke up just now, I didn’t even know it was Thursday. I think it’s because I spent Monday sitting on a bus, and so Tuesday was kinda like Monday to me. And it’s not like I had to do shit these past couple of days that was for real dependent on what day it is. (I didn’t, right?)

I cranked up the Internets, saw some shit that said it was Thursday, and I was like, “Damn, it’s Thursday?”

You know that means: Time to do something progressive, for my community. Time to check to see if there’s any new Carmella Bing.

More often than not there isn’t, but today there was. Bonus! It was especially sweet, since I’d read, a few weeks ago, that she retired from Internets pr0n to go back to her career as an escort. Which was, of course, fucking devastating for me personally.

I mean, I suppose I could still fly down to Florida and pay to have sex with her. Which would be even cooler than watching her break off some douche on the Internets. But obviously that’s not gonna happen while I’m working for motherfucking XXL.

Any pussy I’m gonna pay for is probably gonna have AIDS and a c-section scar.

So that ended up being a nice surprise. If it had anything to do with the current state of the economy, then I guess that’s the rare occasion this shit has worked out in my favor. I also notice they’ve dropped the prices of sandwiches at Quiznos.

All told, this has been one of my better weeks in a minute. Not that that’s saying a whole, but still.

Similarly, I see there’s been an entire publicity campaign for a new Jay-Z album that’s been kicked off in the mere matter of hours since I fell into my most recent alcohol and discouragement-induced coma.

How exciting!

Last night, Kanye West brought Jay-Z out at one of his Glow in the Dark shows in New York (nullus?) and Jay did a new Kanye-produced joint that’s gonna be on the Blueprint 3, his new album, coming this fall or whatever. I’m sure you fruits have all seen the video of this shit by now.

What did I think? Well, it’s hard to say, based on the brief snippet Jay and ‘Ye played for us, but what I heard didn’t strike me as being all that impressive. The beat by Kanye West sounded like it might have been cool, but Jay-Z’s raps didn’t do anything at all to inspire confidence that he’s gonna bring his a-game on this album.

First of all, I can’t believe he included that line in the beginning about the guy from Oasis. That shit is old news at this point, let alone when the album comes out. And the line itself sounds like he might have had Kanye West write if for him. Then he breaks out into the first lines of “Wonderwall.” So gay.

Also gay: That punchline towards the end where he’s talking about how some broad is sweating him in a club and he has to tell her his wife is here. Not only does it suffer from the same issue as the Oasis line, where it’s just not that clever, but who wants to hear a guy rap about how he can’t fuck broads because he’s married? Nobody. Not even other married guys.

I can see it now: This shit’s just gonna be another Kingdom Come, with him rapping, poorly, about shit no one wants to hear about – except maybe (mercifully, I might add), with less Just Blaze production. Or, god forbid, those ass clowns who had so many beats on American Gangster.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if, like Kingdom Come, the shit ends up being more interesting for the various marketing strategies and ancillary business matters associated with the album rather than the actual music contained therein.

Already, there’s Jay-Z on the cover of the new 15th anniversary issue of Vibe. Which, in retrospect, should have been my first clue that there’s a new Jay-Z album coming pretty soon. Granted Jay’s status amongst the kind of people who read Vibe is such that they probably could have thrown him on the cover anyway. But you know how these TIs like to have some sort of product tie-in with these magazine covers. It’s probably part of the deal in which these labels buy advertising. In fact, my former colleague Sickamore has the new issue, and he says there’s 20 pages of Roc-A-Wear ads in it.

Hmm…

Speaking of former colleagues, the cover story on Jay-Z in the new Vibe is written by none other than my old boss here at XXL, Elliott “Bad Habit” Wilson. I figured he might start writing stories for Vibe back when he got let go, since his wife is the boss there and all. But when months went by with no stories by BH that I’m aware of (not that I was checking that hard), I figured that wasn’t gonna happen, maybe because they thought it would look weird.

I used to work at a Hardees where there was a similar arrangement. One of the assistant managers was dating this guy that used to work there, and I remember the guy used to steal a shedload of chicken. (This was back when Hardees used to sell fried chicken.) I asked him about it, and he said he would take it home and bake it in the oven. He offered me some, but I replied that I don’t really cook like that. Which I don’t, to this day. I’m not saying the TIs that own Vibe need to be on the lookout for shit disappearing around the office. I’m just saying.

Finally, speaking of the TIs, there’s rumors circulating about that the deal Jay recently signed with concert promoter Live Nation might have fallen through, and he might be trying to sign with Warner Music, which is staffed by a lot of people he used to work with at Def Jam – including the original Tall Israeli, Lyor Cohen. Or maybe Jay’s just trying to have his weed carriers sign with them instead of his own supposed new Roc Nation label. Someone over at Media Take Out claims they’ve seen Jay-Z going into the Warner Music Offices twice this week, but you know how that goes.

The grating, cackling Puerto Rican woman who hosts Sirius Shade 45′s morning show asked Jay about it today (I’m assuming – I’m still regaining my bearings), and he just kinda laughed it off. But what else was he gonna do? He can’t just take these TI’s money and talk shit about them on the radio. There’s probably some sort of clause against that in his contract. I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if this 360 deal Jay-Z is in isn’t working out as well as he would have liked. That’s what he gets for chasing every big payday some TI waves in front of that huge nose of his. As if he’s really that desperate at this stage in his career.

  • Bang

    Lol at ‘the machine’ taking shots from Bol. On point

  • Pierzy

    “The grating, cackling Puerto Rican woman who hosts Sirius Shade 45’s morning show…”

    She’s actually Asian – her name is Angela Yee – but I agree with the rest of the sentiment.

  • TheCo!!inB

    the roc is in the buildin *pause*

  • henry

    im still trying to wonder if i care….hip hop needs some new blood, all there is is lupe, kanye, and weezy

  • http://www.going.com/larrybrite Larry Brite

    Carmella Bing doesn’t have a C-Scar?

    didn’t kno that ~

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      She has a nasty stomach, as if she might have had a kid or three. But I’m not usually checking to see if there’s any scarring.

      My bad for even engaging in this discussion.

  • Jerod

    Wow. That was actually a decent read. Props B.

  • http://www.asdf.com Hey

    Is it just me, or did this post end abruptly as fucc?

    Either way, I cosign this entire thang. Great job, Bol-meister.

  • http://thankgodimfamous.com Sickamore

    “but who wants to hear a guy rap about how he can’t fuck broads because he’s married? Nobody. Not even other married guys”

    ^^^Ether

  • Justice4all

    As I reflect on what Bol so eloquently composed in his expansive writing landscape, one thing comes to mind. Why do we get surpised when the obvious happens as if it wasn’t going to happen (a’la: Raawws getting shot the F up at a so called charity event)? If we can remember in our so recent hip hop culture on thing is for sure…you can bet on the ignorant happening and happening real quick. Now with that said, Jay-Z coming back should be no surprise since he never really stated he was going anywhere other than making flash appearences on other rappers albums. We all kinda knew this day was coming, the day when he makes his last ditch effort at regaining his days of youth. Sorry to tell you Mr.Carter or whatever your grown up name is now, those days has zipped past you like Mike Vick on the fast track to prison. You see the hype…then boom…the gavel hits. As you stated in Reasonable Doubt, It’s the last call for alcohol.

  • Scores-Man

    Scores-Man is about watching Assparade, muthafuckas’

  • Yayza

    I pray Blueprint 3 has MORE Just Blaze production. Two songs on American Gangster was not enough, though they were both dope (even if we’ve all heard the beat to Ignorant Shit a zillion times before). Just Blaze and Kanye were what made The Blueprint what it was, they HAVE to be doing the bulk of the production. Thankfully, judging by some of the comments Just made last month, I’d wager that he’s at least doing a few beats. As far as Kanye goes, the only beat he’s done for Jay that ended up on an album in years has been the abysmal “Do U Wanna Ride”, so as long as he doesn’t tread that territory again, I’m thankful for anything he gives Jay. Their joints were usually tight.

  • ri067953

    Yo, I can’t watch a Carmella Bing scene because I am not looking at her stomach but her ginormus forehead. If she didn’t have those fake chesticles, she wouldn’t be worth $20 walking on skid-row. I’d rather watch old ass Mariah screw on the street somewhere. Brazzers mu’fucka!

  • The Spaniard

    “…but who wants to hear a guy rap about how he can’t fuck broads because he’s married? Nobody. Not even other married guys”

    I’m torn.

    I recognize the validity of this point, yet I still like Jay-Z as a rapper.

    Maybe that’s becasue I don’t live vicariously through some asshole’s rap lyrics.

  • The Spaniard

    Oh yeah…

    Gianna Michael > Carmella Bing.

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      Them’s fighting words!

      • The Spaniard

        I’m too cowardly to fight.

        How about a truce? Next time your in Chicago I say we visit a glitter joint or two. First two dances (or whatever) on me.

        • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

          if ever there was an appropriate nullus after a comment..

        • The Spaniard

          Constantly stating nullus requires a nullus.

          It’s an infinite loop. I would be trapped here forever!

  • Liam

    My predictions:

    The new Jay-Z album will suck

    AND

    Bol will never ever learn how to cook a real meal for himself

    [||] on commenting on another guys cooking skills

  • Yayza

    I just got done listening to the Shade 45 interview, and I conclusively say that Elliott Wilson must cut someone off mid-sentence at least once every 10 seconds. Maybe he’ll implode if he doesn’t or something. Dude just annoys the fuck out of me.

  • http://xxlmag.com Billy X. Sunday

    Lauren Phoenix = greatest white bitch evar.

  • tobasko

    Bol,

    I tried to suggest you look into the beheading of a 22 yr old kid on a canadian bus the other day, but it wouldn’t let me post a website.

    Nevertheless every fuckin young hang low or lil chain snatcha can post his myspace page address

    WTF

  • ri067953

    Yo, and I vote for Roxy Reynolds as the baddest black bitch evar!

  • KF UK

    Naw u gta give it up to lacey duvalle, now she could get it….

    • Pierzy

      Co-Sign!

  • Sway-z

    Ya’ll niggas crazy, Sandra Romain kills all them bitches

  • http://www.yahoo.com Dra$t-iQ Alkoholik

    co-sign nigga but em punch line be supergay

  • WATZ

    What ya’ll jiggs need to realise is that once J signed that deal for about 20 mill or whatever for 4 or 5 albums he’s contractually obligated to complete these albums in a certain time period. Now whether or not he still has the hunger to produce the witty, sharp, intelligent lyricism that we all know he can is another story. He has done this for the best part of 12 years and has been the most successfull & consistent rapper in the history of hip hop, p4p lets face it. i think the other albums may be collabo’s and maybe another greatest hits just to keep the suits happy, but really, hiphop needs another cat in the jay z mould to really give it some mouth to mouth cos it aint dead but is comatosed… looking at the tru elements of what hiphop is meant to be about, we are currently in the lowest ebb since shit started with an mc toasting a dj in late 70′s. For Jay to still have this buzz when, truthfully we should be acclaiming others (and please dont say wayne) shows that he felt there was no one that made him think.. ‘i cant come back this guy or that guy are fire and i dont wanna compete with them’ the thing i love is the way his guest verses always bury the main rapper! hes prolly better at that than when doing an album (post black album, anyhow top 3 albums Reasonable doubt/blueprint/american gangster(AG purely cos no one thought he could come back and still be relevant)

  • jay

    This dude is the reason that some of your favorite rappers get light. It is hard for most rap fans now to apreciate music at all not much out here to listen to. How do people say someone has fell off when he still sell out shows, he win grammys. He open doors to places we was never to open. He sit in on meetings with top heads of the business world. He is one of the faces of what sucess is for Black America, he came in after Will Smith, LL Cool J etc.. and made wave in ventures that none before has ever done. List his accomplishments and sucess you put that against some of the best he has out done them all overall. He is up there with Oprah and Obamba with sucess overall. I am not talking record sales I am talking breaking down barriers. For you one track mind people he represents what reaching the top means, coming from the bottom. The only other two that can be mention from HIP-HOP is 50cent and Diddy. I like the music he make, but that business mind is what I admire the most. For those who want to beileve he just a pond in the big plan, the don’t let many Black people in the BILLIONAIRE CLUB to be just a pond. Jimmy Ivine own record company and 50 seem to be making just a much as him same for Jay with LA REID THink about it.

  • http://www.theunderwriters.blogspot.com THE UNDERWRITER

    Gianna >>> C. Bing and L. Phoenix, but that’s unrelated…

    I just don’t know about this new Jay-Z. I just hope it’s incredible. But I can’t really tell just yet.

    It’s crazy how Jay can set off a hype machine so early. Please don’t let him drop another KC, Kanye.

    • The Spaniard

      “Gianna >>> C. Bing and L. Phoenix, but that’s unrelated… ”

      It may be unrelated but it’s a better topic of discussion than the Jay-Z anouncement.

      I always wonder, when an artist releases medicore bullshit did they think they actully released a classic or do they know the shit is weak and are just incapable of producing quality anymore?

  • Ryan

    “The grating, cackling Puerto Rican woman who hosts Sirius Shade 45’s morning show…”

    She’s actually Asian – her name is Angela Yee – but I agree with the rest of the sentiment.

    Oh boy, the PC police are out in full force. Do you have yerrow fever?

    I’d take Julia Bond over most women.

    I never want to hear Jay Z rap again unless it’s something from Reasonable Doubt, or he starts wearing Hawaiian shirts again.

  • http://produnkgirl@yahoo.com produnkgirl

    Damn Jay Hater! Don’t Front on Yellow Nigga though, he kept me buying XXL mag every chance I had and I was a die hard Source fan. Anyways, I wasn’t really feelin the song either and Jay and Ye are my niggas 4 lyfe. It took me five listens before I appreciated ” American Gangster” and now that’s my shit,so hey.

  • http://www.rizzleworld.blogspot.com allnice

    Jay has spent most of his career trampling on people to reach the “top”. He is like a vampire. He did it to Dame, Biggs, Jaz, Big Daddy Kane, and now he doing it to Kanye (who does it to Common, Consequence, and Soundclick beatmakers….poor guys). He surrounds himself with talented people so they can do everything for him. No one noticed how much his lyrics and business acumen started to suck once he threw all of his handlers under the bus.

    Jay’s money depends on ads. He’s like a fugly model for corporatism. And now he has to tour like a bitch since he got ousted from Def Jam. It is ok to tour to places where you have true fans but Jay’s deal with Live Nation was basically him slaving touring in areas where people don’t even like his bullshit music.

    The only thing Jay can do is go run to Lyor and them but who is going to risk their neck to save his overrated career? He doesn’t have any value to offer besides his fame. Once he runs out of victims to sacrifice it’s a wrap for the camel.

  • None

    Ooh. I smell hater-ade