NEGRO PLEASE: Mike Jones vs. Trae: To Be “Handled in the Streets”

[Editor's Note: "Blogger's Note" has been taken over by Ron Mexico until futher notice.] 

We’ll start today’s installment of “Negro Please” off with yet another exclusive from The Ghetto’s Finest News Source (WSHH).

I don’t know why I find a clip of Mike Jones getting popped in the nose such an amusing way to start my morning, but I am compelled to admit that I do.

Ugh. I got der Schadenfruede in my blood.

Mikey’s defiant rant includes details that don’t quite add up. He can’t get popped in the nose from the side–not having no scrunchy-ass nigger nose, anyway. A pointy, bony, pterodactylish Caucasoid nose might could get smashed in from the side, but not one of our rubbery-ass noses.

These African shits are built for war.

Was it from the side or from behind, anyway? I’m a little confused. I kept hearing both in the explanation.

Peep how the cop assures the Christopher Williams lookin’-ass Jones supporter:

“It’s okay, we know him.”

I’m sure that’s not a good look in the streets, where Jones promises to take his conflict with his assailant, Trae Da Truth. Put a pin in that. We’ll come back to it.

 Those polices knew Mike Jones. Them niggas is from the Rick Ross Task Force.

What if Rick Ross is like the Nick Fury of the Hip-Hop Police? That would be kinda hot, son!

Jones keeps claiming he got stole on because he’s being hated on. Even by his own testimony of the events he was under the impression that the discussion was rapster lovey dove, as everything surrounding the TJ/DJ/HJ/ZJ Conference/Ozone Awards is intended to be.

I think the nigga just got set up and apparently caught a bad one.

[Blogger's Note: If you don't know what a "ZJ" is, you can't afford one.]

I only exclude hate as a motive for Trae’s attack because I don’t really see what there is to hate about Mike Jones. Nigga hit with a record and a half a couple of years ago, then wasted no time turning his life’s accomplishment into a Bentley (on swangers, nigga). Maybe he’s got another “Still Tippin’” in him, but he’ll be on Tito Jackson status until then.

Plus he look like a damn ninja turtle. I don’t know anybody in the game just wishing they could switch places with dude. Were I an aspiring rapster I’d be like “No disrespect intended, I’ll just take my chances, you know?”

It’s also no secret that Jones is universally regarded as the “Coolest Touchdown in the Rap Game,” a distinction he’s maintained since giving the entire unverse his cell phone number and actually answering/shooting the shit with callers at times.

So I hear…

Damn, I wish Mike would call me back.

*long pause for soft sobbing*

Man, Fuck Mike Jones! Put a pin in that. We’ll get back to it.

In all likelihood Trae probably just picked the nigga least likely to do shit. If I needed a publicity stunt to get my name out there, Mike Jones would be my target for damn sure. I’d survey the landscape like Larry ”D’Angelo BarksdaleGillard, jr. in The Waterboy.

There’s my bitch.”

Jones is like a chicken. By every indication natural selection has to offer, he was put on this earth to be hunted. Mike Jones handily leads the cascade of rapsters attenting the Ozone Awards in Attention Value/Risk Undertaken ratio.

Sorry to take some of you back to the part of high school where you decided you’d rather sell bud, but it’s simple mathematics. You gotta love it.

Sunffing Mike Jones + Camera = A lot of laughing motherfuckers + 0 dead motherfuckers.

You can try to steal on The Kidz In The Hall, but no one will really care. Try Bun B and everyone will notice, but something will probably happen. Punch Mike Jones in the mouth for whatever reason and 2,000 people will just point, laugh and text message their niggas.

If at this point you’re waiting for some retaliation in the form of that classic gangsta shit, please continue to hold your breath. We need less people like you breeding. Jones assured us nothing like that would ever happen–by voraciously insinuating that it would… by any means necessary.

Jonesey’s reaffirmation on the radio drives the nail into the horse’s head. Trae is officially SNA (Safetst Nigga Alive) du jour. A real G pretends he had no idea who snuck him (if that’s what really happened) and comes back on dude face-up ASAP.

Shit. I’ll throw a Molotov cocktail through ya mama’s mama’s window—whurr errbody live. I’m so sincerrre. This some sincere shit, right here.

“It’s gon’ get handled in the streets.”

Negro, please. Nigga Turtle-ass Mike Jones ain’t gon’ do shit. Need to drop and gimme 50 before anything.

I’m not even basing this on D-Solo’s self-etherization. When a fan tells you they want their money back, it’s obvious they didn’t exactly come to see your bum ass. Dude shouldn’t be proud of himself for motivating a mass of blented-up niggas. Any one of us could do that.

“Yeah. Yeah. Fuck Mike Jones! Nigga, we hawngry!”

Had he taken it one step further and offered the crowd free Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits he could have spun himself a lynch mob.

What have we learned, children? When you assemble a convention of niggas together at a big niggafest in Houston niggas are gonna get to bein niggas. Newton wrote that shit somewhere. I’m sure of it.

We’ve also learned a couple of new twists on an age-old marketing strategy. If Trae finds success from this, it now officially makes sense for rappers to start stealing on softer rappers.

If D-Solo finds any misguided support for his movement, it now officially makes sense to bury a rapper by falsely promising him and starting a little anti-movement against him.

Eh, I guess those things have always made sense.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Still tippin on fo’-fo’s? Drop and give me 50.

See what I did there? I put all of the Mike Jones songs that matter in life into one stanza.

P.S.: SDN Tournament Bracketology coming this week!

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  • http://XXL TheGodJustice

    I think BILLY X. SUNDAY’s post just became invalid after this news. Niggaz stay fuckin’ it up for others. SMH@M.J and TRAE.

    • Deez Nutz

      *stands and applauds extended stretch of quality blogs…not dickriding though*

  • amar

    ooooo looks like a little competition now between ron and bol’s posts too

    • real talk

      BOL’s post suck. That nigga looks like a child predetor who drives a big white van full of garden utilitys, that he kidnaps little boys in. We are going to see BOL on dateline meeting a 8 year old at the park. Serious Buissness, just look at him and thos glasses. dat Nigga is a creep.

  • TY

    LOL @ “Rick Ross Task Force”

  • giantstepp

    “What have we learned, children? When you assemble a convention of niggas together at a big niggafest in Houston niggas are gonna get to bein niggas. Newton wrote that shit somewhere. I’m sure of it.”

    Ayo, Ron Mex….thats church right there bruh…preach on! Bol brought some heat on the subject too. Did you peep it?

  • Hey

    1) Who the fuck is D Solo?
    2) Neither of these fucks are relevant, although Trae makes good music.
    3) Ron’s writing style is completely insane. Somewhat entertaining, but extremely ADD.

  • 239allday

    @ Hey…I hate when niggas say if someone is relevant or not. Are you basing this on the fact that Trae doesn’t have a video on 106th or TRL?

    Anyways, this post was surprisingly long for insignificant type of nigga like Mike Jones. But I am sure glad someone yoked that muhfucka.

    Plus I am confident in saying that Mike Jones had to have been a virgin before “Still Tippin”.

    • EReal

      How is “Still Tippin” HIS song when he’s the shittiest rapper on it.

      Boss Hawg and Wall owned that song.

  • Hey

    Niggas is banning my shit now? OK, real obviously dont recognize real. Fauxxl News.

  • kelito-vision

    “Jones is like a chicken. By every indication natural selection has to offer, he was put on this earth to be hunted. Mike Jones handily leads the cascade of rapsters attenting the Ozone Awards in Attention Value/Risk Undertaken ratio.” – Ron Mexico

    Ron Mexico is the best thing to happen to this site since an in his prime YN

  • Bang

    This pub killed Rick Ross and his team beating up a lone dj noise, so its good news

  • beeyo

    Mexico, and any1 reading that matters, I just wanted you 2 know you are pretty much tha only reason I even hit this site up anymore.

    Plus I got a SDN nominee 4 you: Papoose. He should’ve been figured out a way to make himsef blow tha fuck up.But no, he’s just a fuck up. Plus a whole buncha other shit, but I’m tired, so fuck typing.

  • KF UK

    Damn mike jones, just give it up my dude… noone wants to hear your shitty raps, BUT everyone does want see you get puncjed in the face.

    Damn i hate how all these “gangsta” rappers turn out to be a fag.

    Mike jones, who? Mike jones, Who?

    Mike jo… oh fuck it im going to listen to some Redman

  • Worley

    I’m Mike Jooones/Trae da Truth punched me in the noooose.

  • Pierzy

    What’s good Mex?! What’s poppin?

    “A pointy, bony, pterodactylish Caucasoid nose might could get smashed in from the side, but not one of our rubbery-ass noses.”

    Damn, if that’s the case then I better protect myself from getting jacked from the side…

  • John Brown


    Maybe Mike Jones & Jadakiss can make a rap group called the Rapping Turtles. Jadakiss will be the Donatello, while Mike Jones will be Michelangelo.

    ***Nice line about Ross/Fury. Hope Marvel makes a Nick Fury movie.***

  • Ryan

    Wait, there was a Mike Jones song that ever mattered to begin with? That’s some shit!

  • Marco317

    Classic drop Mexico, Bol’s shit is also banging…Mike Jones aint street, but Trae is. Hes like a hungry 50 Cent in ’02, and is a bully…and you know Pig Ross wanted 2 arrest both of them…

  • Drew Ricketts

    This is perfect commentary because neither of these guys really “exist” for true so…it’s like being the boxing commentator for a fight between Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. Comically absurd works.

  • TheCo!!inB

    niggas do it to they self, no homo… you see niggas in rock music makin up bootleg award shows for the suckier rock groups to go and act an ass in some high school cafetorium….no, cause it’s fuckin silly. can you imagine that singin ass nigga from Panic @ the Disco being like “that clown from Sevenfold yacked me from the side, but it’s aiight cause i’ma catch him in Whole Foods and show him what’s really hood”……no you can’t cause only a fuckin bufoon would do some funky ass fubu shit like this…….i swear if my people don’t get it together i’ma start shittin on em like a real african would……Focker Out man…….good shit Herp Boy

  • iLL

    “it now officially makes sense for rappers to start stealing on softer rappers.”

    Thats some real shit right there. Thats some big fish eat little fish type shit. Personally Im behind that movement if it starts. Im not usually into violence but alot of these fake thuggins cards need pullin (minus the gun play, just straight up fisticuffs.

  • Shawn Childs

    Heh I am honestly the only reply to your incredible writing!?