NEGRO PLEASE: Soulja Boy & Ice-T Share Dick Sandwich

[Editor's Note: "Blogger's Note" has been taken over by Ron Mexico until further notice.]

It looks like we’ve got ourselves a twin bill today.

"Fuck Soulja Boy. Eat a dick. Nigga single-handedly killed hip-hop. We came all the way from Rakim. We came all the way from Das EFX. We came all the way from motherfuckers flowing like Big Daddy Kane and Ice Cube, and you come with that 'Superman' shit? That shit is garbage." –Ice-T, DJ Cisco’s Urban Legend mixtape.

Entrenched in a war of words, coonified newcomer Soulja Boy Tellem and greasy mulatto pimp fossil, Ice-T end up going half on a dick sandwich.

True to traditional yellow gangsta form, the Iceman goes in on the one-hit wonder. I’m not sold on the notion that Soulja Boy has become the target of affection simply because he’s young. I think Ice is going after Soulja Boy because the kid is ass-ignorant, yet served as the icon of our genre for all of 2007. In the public eye, if hip-hop had an NBA-style silhouette logo, that shit would have been doing the Superman dance last year.

Not that any of this is Soulja Boy's fault (save for the ass-ignorance), I’m sure Ice would rather someone more fitting (possibly sporting a "sherm perm") portray hip-hop’s Jerry West. As a new Ice-T rap album looms, his crusade against showering chimps and Patrice Rushen beads proves timely bitchmade.

[Blogger’s Note: That’s not a "sherm perm." Mulattos just come out of the oven that way sometimes.]

The difference today is that the quarrel takes place in an era that is no longer the Cop Killer’s. Soulja Boy’s right. Ice-T is “old as fuck” and niggas don’t really want to hear him rap. I’d be cautiously interested in a new Body Count album, but I’m not looking for the next “6 In The Morning” from dude. I’m perfectly content with his place in the game, which no longer entails him standing in front of a microphone.

At the same time I understand that old “Crank Dat” shit ain’t for me. I might do the dance in private on check day, but I can’t fuck with this walking advertisement for watermelon-flavored condoms. Based on what comes out of his mouth, he’s nothing more than a 17 year-old oil slick in a monkey hoodie. That being said, there’s plenty of shit I listened to when I was 14 that my mother would have been well out of place to judge. She was 23 at the time, so I totally dig what that’s about. It’s little homie’s time. He makes dance music. Blah, blah, blah.

[Click here to watch Soulja Boy's response]

Unfazed by the hardcore rap pioneer’s lambast, Soulja Boy’s perpetual toothy grin represents the current generation's disenchantment with the Negro star of yesteryear. While the Doja Twins in the back chuckled he should have just looked into the camera and said “Yaaaaaah, bitch! Yaaaaaah!” Why should he step outside of his comfort zone and try to carry on an intelligent discussion? Instead, Mr. Boy sticks to the bullet points placed in front of him. (Oh, yeah. He was reading off the screen like whoa.)

For a youngster lacking in the reverence-for-classic-hip-hop department, the freestyled bits in-between the bullets are quite hilarious at times. "Fuck Tha Police" is an N.W.A. track though, Soulja.

For those of you who don't know any better, the “at least I’m getting paid” defense doesn’t absolve one of coonery. I was actually pulling for the kid a little bit until he lost me there. Actually, he lost me at “I got this new daynce for y’all called the Soulja Boy…”

As much as I resent his existence, Soulja Boy didn’t single-handedly kill this hip-hop shit. While he may be an incorrigible buffoon and far from a viable solution, he's also far from the problem. He's the byproduct of mentholated cigarettes and prenatal Thunderbird. Like he said himself, he’s just a kid with a job.

He also said "last time I heard of this nigga was in Superhead[’s] book." I found that particularly funny. Soulja Boy reading a book? Ha.

Soulja Boy’s failure to cite Ice-T’s portrayal of Det. Scotty Appleton in 1991 urban crime drama New Jack City further accentuates the generational disparity involved. For what many perceive to be a substantial contradiction, Ice-T had long since endured the same Law & Order scrutiny for his "New Jack" role when Souja Boy was shitting in the smallest Pampers a WIC check could buy. That’s why the SVU crack was the only banana available for him to throw.

Speaking of mass media impression, despite recent success Soulja Boy should know that he and Ice-T’s positions in life are pretty fuckin’ far from congruent. That’s not to say he couldn’t get to Ice’s level at some point. I bet he could play Flavor Flav’s son on Under One Roof right now if he wanted.

Negroes, please.

Help me help you, niggas... and yellow niggas.

Mr. Boy should never have done that monkey dance with the monkey clothes on. He also shouldn’t publicly show praise for Wal-Mart giving niggas a place to work. Ice-T should never have brought his neck down for Soulja Boy to take hacks at. There are better ways to promote your LP.

Fuck it. Throw some change our way and see if your mug all over XXLmag.com before your release date doesn't do better for you in the public eye than saying all that reckless, desperate shit to a bouncing crack baby.

Consensus: Dick sandwiches for all. Nobody wins.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Mayo on your dick sandwich? ron@ronmexicocity.com