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Who burned down Fiddy Cent’s house?

Something tells me that firefighters don’t purposely go out of their way to note to the news media that a fire looks suspicious unless they pretty much know for a fact that it was a work of arson.

Granted firefighting is one of those professions you go into when you don’t have the skills to find a job where your life isn’t constantly in danger; or because you got out of the Army and, come to find out, the money they give you for college is only enough to pay for two courses a semester at a community college. (I heard that shit’s true. Damn.)

But I’m not doubting these guys’ ability to tell whether or not a fire was set intentionally. Nah, you’d think that, if it’s your job to run into burning buildings, you’d develop a sense for when mofos have purposely left fuel in strategic locations to aid the process. Plus, I heard there’s a test you have to take to become a firefighter, and the shit’s not that easy. Which is the reason why the department here in the STL is always having so many diversity issues.

I also heard that burning human flesh smells like bacon, and that’s the reason why a lot of firefighters don’t eat bacon. Christopher Hitchens wrote about it in his book God Is Not Great. I can’t remember how exactly this was meant to be evidence there is no god, but I do remember finding it pretty convincing. Regardless, something tells me that, if I was a firefighter, I’d be one of the ones who still eats bacon anyway. Bacon is good as a motherfucker.

But I digress.

So the question here is not so much whether or not Fiddy Cent’s house was purposely set on fire, but who did the deed.

I’m gonna rule out Fiddy himself right away, on the grounds that, what did he really stand to gain by burning down his own house? On the one hand, yeah, it’s funny he told her ass she needed to be out of his house by May 1st, and she didn’t, and the damn thing ended up catching fire. And it’s not like Fiddy stood to lose anything financially by his shit burning to the ground, thanks to insurance. (Plus, the shit only cost like $1 million, which is chump change to Fiddy.)

But why would Fiddy want to run the risk of trying to burn up his baby’s mother, especially given the fact that his son was in the house at the time as well? (I could see if the bitch was home alone.) Fiddy’s a cold motherfucker, but he’s not that cold. Plus, Fiddy already got over on this broad where it really counts – in court. So what she missed her deadline to be out of his house. I would’ve just deducted a month’s rent from her already way reduced child support payment. By the time she saw how light that check was, I’m sure she would have left of her own volition.

Fiddy’s baby’s mother, on the other hand, is definitely suspicious to me. First of all, we know for a fact she lacks the sense god gave geese. And the reason we know this is because she tried to take him to court for some ridonkulous sum of money. Which is how her monthly payments got cut way down in the first place. She probably read on the Internets that Fiddy made $400 million from Vitamin Water, and she was like, “Shit, I’m about to go get me $200 million!” If that was her thought process then, what’s to suggest she didn’t figure she could purposely burn his house down and the fire department wouldn’t know what happened?

Also, there’s a precedent for that sort of thing in the black community. Some of you younger heads might not be able to remember back when Left Eye from TLC burned down the house of that ball player she was living with. TLC back in those days was about as ubiquitous back in those days as Beyonce is today, but they were broker than a motherfucker, because LA Reid’s wife, Pebbles, stole all of their publishing. (How in the fuck are you gonna get robbed by someone named Pebbles?) So Left Eye did what a lot of women would do in that position, and found one of these ball players to leech on. One day she got pissed at him, probably because she found out he had a few baby’s mothers, and burned his house down.

As Left Eye noted on MTV News at the time, she wasn’t actually trying to burn the house down. She was just trying to set fire to several pairs of his prized tennis shoes (you know how black people are about shoes) in a bath tub, and it hadn’t occurred to her that, since this wasn’t an actual porcelain bath tub, it would also catch fire fairly easily. Like I said, neither one of these broads is that smart. If there’s a difference, it’s that Left Eye (as far as I know) hadn’t actually been kicked out of the house at the time. But otherwise, I’d say there’s enough striking similarities between these two incidents to suggest that they might be part of a trend.

Whether or not law enforcement is aware of a trend of black women who aren’t worth a shit leeching off a brother with a check and then trying to burn his house down when the shit falls apart, I’m not sure. It could be one of those weird things that just happens, like when crazy-ass white women suddenly feel compelled to drown their children. If I was Fiddy, I’d have my Jewish lawyer look into that. In the meantime, I’d be trying to go get my son, and maybe have him go live with Tony Yayo (who would never lay hands on a child) at his spread out in Connecticut. I’m sure they’ve got good schools out there.

In the long term, I’d see about gaining sole custody of the child, and perhaps even a restraining order against the mother. Then he wouldn’t have to sweat paying her any child support at all.

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