The South continues to lose

The idea that any ol’ d-bag with recording equipment could venture into the South and probably emerge with recordings that are solid gold is hardly new.

In the early part of the 20th century, a guy named Alan Lomax did just that and ended up building one of the all-time great collections of folk music. Wikipedia, which has been proven to be even more accurate than actual print encyclopedias, describes it as “a highly regarded treasure trove of American and international culture.”

To think, it might not have existed, if someone wouldn’t have thought to go down there and gather it.

These days, as depicted in the brilliant film Hustle and Flow, most southerners are sophisticated enough to record their own music. The quality might not be the best in the world, but the music’s usually not that good anyway.

However, as we’ve seen in the past few weeks, obnoxious music is not all the South has to offer. No, that’s far from it. Thanks to newfangled technology such as blogs and YouTube, we’re now witnessing a huge increase in documentation of what could very well be the South’s true gift to popular culture: for lack of a better term, retard theater.

My favorite example of this so far has been the MC battle, captured on video for posterity, between this guy named Envy and the greatest rapper of all time, Eli Porter.

In the controversial battle, Envy went first and took some low blows at Eli Porter, who clearly suffers from some of physical deformity. (Though obviously it hasn’t hindered his ability to come up with some of the greatest raps of all time.) Then Eli Porter, who was obviously caught off guard by this, went into some sort of zone, in which he came up with some rhymes that were so retarded, they were actually kinda brilliant. And I don’t mean that in the way that white kids, who obviously resent their place in hip-hop culture, will often purposely refer to awful rap music as brilliant just to spite black people. I mean, actually brilliant.

A few weeks ago, some modern day Alan Lomax thought to upload it to YouTube. And the rest, as they say, is history. Since then, not only has the original clip been viewed upwards of half a million times, it’s also spawned several pages worth of remixes and parodies. There’s even an Eli Porter mixtape floating around.

Perhaps the most disturbing artifact of retard theater to emerge to date is the video of a bipolar girl, who’s since become known as Soulja Girl, going off on an old lady on a train down in Atlanta.

For what it’s worth, we don’t know what the old lady might have said or done to prompt Soulja Girl to go off like that. As the video begins, she’s already begun her tirade. First she ask if anyone like for her to call Young Jeezy to have him assassinate George W. Bush. (Would it be illegal for me to say yes?) Then she does this ridonkulous Soulja Boy freestyle in this poor old lady’s face. Then, when she spots some guy who she thinks might have once raped her, she goes over and attacks him, but then he snatches some of her raggedy-ass weave off of her head, which calms her down enough that she can at least get off of the train and go harass someone else.

I would’ve been tempted to do even worse, but you guys know I possess a fundamental lack of respect for black women.

Similar to the greatest MC battle of all time, the video of the incident eventually found its way to YouTube, where it’s become a huge phenomenon and spawned its own subculture, so to speak. However, unlike the mysterious and elusive Eli Porter, someone did eventually end up catching up with Soulja Girl: the motherfucking police.

Also in trouble with the law lately has been what has to be the gulliest seven year-old since the days of Myanmar rebel leaders Johnny and Luther Htoo (I hope they’re okay – I know there was an earthquake over there or some shit), perhaps even more so: Latarian “Real Talk” Milton.

The other day, he took his grandmother’s SUV on a joyride, in which he ran over several mailboxes and hit several cars in a mall parking lot, before eventually crashing the truck into sign or some such. Fortunately, he’s hardbody enough that he was able to walk away unscathed. His grandma’s SUV, meanwhile, is fucked the fuck up. (Though fortunately, he’s gonna see if he can’t get his mom, who may or may not exist, to help pay for it.) Afterwards, a local news crew caught up with Latarian in the parking lot of his grandma’s shitty apartment complex, in which he regaled them with heroic tales of his of his joyride and described for them his philosophy on life. Namely, the fact that it’s fun to do bad things.

Amen, young brother.

I consulted Google just now, and, wouldn’t you know, the news segment on Latarian “Real Talk” Milton has spawned at least one remix video, as well as its own YTMND. What’s more, just yesterday, there was another, arguably even more hilarious incident involving young Latarian, in which he beat the shit out of his grandma in a Wal-Mart, because she refused to buy him some chicken wings. I wrote about it just now on my own site. So this could be just the very beginning of huge litany of such incidents.

Keep in mind, the guy’s just seven years old. He’s not even physically developed to the point where that much real damage. (For example, you could tell his grandma was still reeling from her vicious ass beating, but she wasn’t laid the fuck out like Suge Knight.) Also, keep in mind the fact that all three of these hilarious videos have just hit the Internets in the past few weeks. And something tells me this isn’t evidence of some wave of idiocy that’s just come over the South. No, for all we know, this shit might have always been going on down there, and we’re just now learning about it, thanks to the gift of technology.

What do you southern gentlemen think? Is life down South really just one huge episode of Cops, or is it just a coincidence that these hilarious videos keep turning up on YouTube? Speak on it.

  • JP

    yeah they posted most of that stuff on thisis50.com(which fucked up my computer and i aint been back since unless I’m on someone elses haha)
    i gotta check that eli porter thing
    and that soulja girl thing was crazy but funny…at the end someone was like “something wrong with her ass” and that had me rolling

  • P-Matik

    Oh man…LMAO!!!

  • moresickaMC

    LMAO….be easy on the South Bol. LMAO

  • NAWLEDGE

    Bol, you’re a gigantic moron (both literally and physically) if you think those fuck sticks represent the south as a whole.

    Im from the south, and NO. Life in the south is NOT like a big episode of cops. Its just like it is everywhere else. Some places are fine, some places are fucked the fucked up. Im not some idiot who goes around screaming at old ladies, doing a stupid ass freestyle, driving cars into mailboxes, and beatin on my grandmother.

    There are educated black folks down here, just like there are everywhere. MLK and Malcom X were BOTH from the south. In fact, many Civil Rights leaders were from the south. So stop sayin the south is losing because those videos make ALL black folks look like crap. Not just the south!!!

    As far as those videos go, its a damn shame that southern asses (Solja Fag) are gettin mass exposure, when educated southerners (Andre 3000) are gettin only about 50,000 plays a video. Its sucks balls, but those morons DO NOT represent the south as a whole.

    What if I had gotten a few videos of some NY cats showin their ass (no homo)? Would the east be losing? You might’ve not even wrote on it. This biased against the south bull is redundent and gay as hell so ya’ll niggas really need to get over that shit.

    And whats your deal with black women? Have NEVER met an educated one? You have a low opinion of black women huh? Guess what? THAT MEANS THAT YOU ALSO HAVE A LOW OPINION OF YOUR MOTHER!!!

    I hope I explained everthing clearly. If not, respond…

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      >MLK and Malcom X were BOTH from the south.

      No one correct him on this. It’s probably better for his self-esteem if he goes on believing it.

      • NAWLEDGE

        Martin Luther King, Jr. was born on January 15, 1929, in Atlanta, Georgia.
        Atlanta isnt the south?

        And I’ll correct myself, negro. Malcom was born in Nebraska, which is part of the midwest, but Im a man and I can admit when I made a mistake.

        The entire problem with your post, is that you think thos vids just make the south look bad. They make ALL black folks look bad, homie.

  • Youngz

    Lmao at Nowledge taking Bols shit personal, come on dawg, us eastcoast n:as dont hate on ya´ll but u know yourself that u are all slow and make terrible music with no soul!!

    • NAWLEDGE

      Youngz says:

      “Lmao at Nowledge taking Bols shit personal, come on dawg, us eastcoast n:as dont hate onya´ll but u know yourself that u are all slow and make terrible music with no soul!!”
      ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

      According to this guy, Im slow but yet I have a high school diploma, two college degrees, working on my masters, carry a 3.7 G.P.A, I own and operate two dry cleaning services, and I’m a youth counselour for at risk teens in my neighborhood. Thats pretty slow huh? I find it amusing that you call me the slow one, but you’re the one who makes an oxymoronic statement. In case you dont know what that means, you contradicted yourself, homie.

      Also, we make music with no soul? Where do you thing Jazz, Blues, and Gospel came from?
      So according to your own words and assumption…

      Scarface has music with no soul
      Outkast has music with no soul
      U.G.K (rip Pimp C) has music with no soul
      Devin the Dude has music with no soul
      M.J.G has music with no soul
      8Ball has music with no soul
      Trick Daddy has music with no soul (Thug Holiday & America anyone?)
      T.I has music with no soul (Live in Sky?)
      Ludacris has music with no soul?! (Runaway Love?)

      Dont make my mistake, and think before you type, my dude.

      • ill G

        lol @ the educated exposing the ignorant

  • Giantstepp

    “…but she wasn’t laid the fuck out like Suge Knight”

    Bol, this is unacceptable!!! That weak ass sh*t continues to prove that you’re scared shitless of SUGE!! If it happened to Lupe you’d been the first to drop on it!! Its been a week and thats all the f*ck you say!! Got DAMN COWARD! Give us a Suge Knight post shook N*gga…

  • Jamon

    Hy-larious post, and I’m from Cali and I never see shit like that man, I mean I’ve beaten up my grandma once or twice but she had it coming!

  • yeeeee

    Bol why are you trying give away the retardation prize to the south? What about the hyphy doo doo dumb stupid retarded yellow school bus ghostwalkers/ghostriders out in the Bay? We go way harder on the retardation than them crunk bitches yaddimean.

  • The Spaniard

    Since we’re giving stats…

    I have 13 degrees, 7 space shuttles, and pack of trained recuse dogs that save burning babies from towering infernos.

    Oh yeah…the south sucks balls! (except for the weather).

    Relax you irrational regional lovers…I’m kidding, the south doesn’t suck balls…it just to fucking slow down there for me. Maybe when I’m 82 I’ll relocate.

  • What’z Crackin

    yeah man, the south is fool of retarded hicks and I can say that cause my grandmother is from down there

  • http://www.incilin.blogspot.com Incilin

    Those videos are both disturbing and funny. Actually, their more disturbing than anything else. All those kids have got to have some sort of mental disability (Eli) criminal insanity (Latarian) or a mix of both (Soulja Girl). Whatever it is, their just fucking retarded.

    • ill G

      i just crack up everytime i hear Latarian say “..cus my friend wanted to smoke cigarettes” lmaooo

  • CHUN

    Americans, wtf!

    LOL

  • BORN IN THE NORTH, RAISED IN THE SOUTH

    Poor “Soulja Girl.” I gave her and her ex-boyfriend a ride home a couple months ago, and she offered to shine me up for $5 (one of my homeboys ended up getting some dome for free). She also kept leaving her meds in the backseat every time she got out of the car… She really is bipolar and it’s a shame that she’s famous for it now cuz of that damn video. Hope she gets her shit str8 while she’s in DeKalb County [Jail, that is].

    BTW, lil’ homie who wrecked the whip is from South Florida. We’re just hardbody like that….

  • DAT KOON NIGGA

    I IZ THINKZ DEZ SOTHERNZ JIGZ A BOOZ IZ DA NEWZ RAPPEZ OFZ TOMORROZ NIGGAZ AND NIGGAZETTZ

  • CHICAGO PaPii

    Yeah Bol you are right %74 of Africoids from Southern states are technically(by Everbody else’s standards) suffering from mild Retardation. Yet, there’s one bright spot out of that fact, places like Atlanta,Louisiana, Florida have tremendous amounts of Sexy ass Mixed-Race Thick voluptous(look it up Southerners) females, so shit I did like any red-blooded, two-fisted thorough-bred Man would when I went down to Florida, I “schluped” as many Mulatto,Bi-Racial and such Southern females as possible. As far as the Souljah Gurl shit goes, yep The South takes another L to the body by default for birthing out so many halitosis having Morons who are televised. O.N.E.

  • ga_finest08

    U have to take those videos for what they are. Some dumb niggas that got caught on tape. I don’t think that its so much of a “south thing”, just more of a “dumb as nigga thing”. People do stupid shit all the time, it just didn’t get caught on tape. “Souja Girl” has a problem. That bitch was high or retarded. That little boy just need his ass whupped. And Eli Porter……..c’mon now, u can’t judge the south off one cat like that. Granted the YinYang twins damn near retarded (the lil one), but everybody luv that bullshit they put out. Just give it time, u upstate niggas will be back in the news soon enough.

  • http://hiphoponmymind.blogspot.com DJ Daddy Mack

    “There’s even an Eli Porter mixtape floating around.”

    ITS FIREEEEEE SONS.

    Bol, Ill give u a link for your site. Get at me.

  • http://myspace.com/downwiththaking thekingof118

    the south still run this shit….

    eat a dick hater….

  • Yayza

    “Bol, you’re a gigantic moron (both literally and physically)”

    That’s the most ironic thing I’ve read all day.

  • Tyler

    BoL. . 2 in a Row Bro. . Keep’em coming but stop hating on the South. . before we send Eli thru 2 Murk your fatass. Homo.

  • JAY STONE

    The south can`t rap for shit.
    Y`all sucks….
    Matter of fact 90% of rappers in the south are illiterate

  • http://www.fakeshoredrive.blogspot.com AB

    great post.

  • POLO DIZ

    AND WEARING TIMBERLANDS YEAR ROUND WITH GREASY LOOKIN DIRT STAINS ON THE TOE PART OR OVER SIZED FITTED HATS AND COLORFUL DURAGS (PURPLE/WHITE, PINK/CAROLINA BLUE, ETC.) MAKES NORTHERN NIGGAS SMART….JUST A THOUGHT.

  • Eman

    This is the funniest blog ever your right on with the Eli Porter and what about the Memphis school “rape that hoe” video but they say that goes on at every prom now. Its funny cause Its almost like the generation of kids cause I know cats from the south and they dont act like these cats.

  • Mr. Rogers

    I feel sorry for the Soulja Girl chick….moms was on the news saying she bipolar…you could obviously tell she has a problem

  • Mr. Rogers

    Latarian “Real Talk” Milton>>>>>>>>>>No.1 on MTV’s hottest in the game

    • ill G

      yes!!!! omg i seen those vids its amazin he 7 years old he sounds like he’s 12 wow they gonna have a hard time with that boy when he hits that growth spurt and ends up being 6’5″ 290 pounds lmaoo