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Nigga stole my chain

People have a tendency to email me whenever there’s anything wrong with this site (i.e. pretty much constantly), as if I do anything here other than take ad hominem shots at rappers and make jokes about my gerkin. Hence, all week long I’ve been fielding emails from mofos wanting to know why XXL has yet to weigh in on the incident.

Of course the suggestion has been that this is part of some grand cover up, as ordered by Fiddy Cent. I know some people have tried to post links to it in the comments section and it wouldn’t show up, which would tend to lend credence to this theory.

But I don’t know. You know the comments section here has been fucked the fuck up. There’s probably all kinds of shit that’s been posted there that never showed up. And now I see Fiddy’s own site, the ridonkulously popular ThisIsFiddy, has gone and posted the footage. So there goes that theory of him not wanting anyone to see it.

That said, I’m sure if Fiddy had it his way, we probably never would have known about this. And I say that for a few reasons.

First of all, if you notice, the shit’s just now showing up on ThisIsFiddy, several days later. Where as when Papoose supposedly snuffed out Fat Joe, he had all sorts of shit having to do with that posted seemingly immediately. Certainly, if Fiddy’s people were too busy to upload their own footage of the incident right away, they could’ve at least posted a link to the clip of it on YouTube.

Then there’s the fact that, where as the version on YouTube is taken all out of context, and is all the more amusing for it, the version on ThisIsFiddy is padded out with footage of smelly Africans fawning over him as if he was Michael Jackson – as if to suggest that they were so touched by his presence in their shit hole of a country that they couldn’t help but to do something crazy.

When I think it’s obvious the real reason that kid snatched Fiddy Cent’s chain is because he figured he could sell it on eBay and be the richest person in his village, if not his entire country. Fuck sending out those spam emails trying to get old people to give out their bank account information – even though I heard some Africans have made a shiteload of money doing that shit.

I’m assuming the real issue is that Fiddy Cent’s main reason being over there was for PR, and he figured if this footage got out, it might have defeated the whole purpose. Which would’ve sucked for him. You’ve seen the clips of him performing there. Imagine how bad it must have smelled in that stadium. I’m sure he could’ve made just as much money performing somewhere else.

I know I saw some shit on MTV where he met with Nelson Mandela. So I’m assuming they might turn that into a whole special – similar to how Jay-Z went over there to have his picture taken with some African kids right around the time when it was announced that he sold the naming rights to the Nets’ stadium in Brooklyn to a bank that funded the slave trade.

Which makes me wonder what it was the two of them discussed. My guess: baby mama drama. Fiddy Cent recently had to kick his baby’s mother out of one of his homes, and I heard the first thing Nelson Mandela did when he got out of prison was drop his wife like a bad habit. Also, they’ve both done time, so maybe they traded tales of when dudes tried to test them in the shower.

But I digress.

Probably the worst case scenario would’ve been if one of the local officials, concerned with the effect this might have on tourism, hunted the kid down and chopped his arm off at the elbow or some shit. Which I’m assuming is the reason the kid’s mom made him turn himself in – especially given how much money they probably could have made if they’d kept the chain and sold it.

If Fat Joe would’ve been thinking, he would’ve found the kid himself and bought the chain from him, just so he could wear it on TV and be like, “I got yo chain, nigga!” Shit, if I was him, I would’ve bought the chain and the African kid and brought him on tour with me as if he was Kid Rock’s midget. Or would that have been a bit too offensive? What do you Africans think? Speak on it.

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