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Why women can’t rap

I’ve had this pet theory now for several weeks that the reason women make for such miserable rappers is the same reason it’s often said that there’s no such thing as a woman with a good personality[1]. Namely, that women have no real biological use for being able to rap.

This occurred to me back in December, when I came across a story on the BBC website about how this doctor had conducted this study in order to prove once and for all that women don’t make for very good comedians. (If you feed on contentious gender issues as if they were crab leg night at a Chinese buffet like I do, you might recall that Jerry Lewis caused quite a stink back when I was in college, when he told an interviewer that he didn’t like any female comedians. Because female comedians aren’t funny).

In order to prove his theory, he would ride around on a unicycle for different groups of people and record their reactions to his routine by gender. As he found, women would typically give him encouraging comments (as if they were his mother or something), while guys would generally call him a fruit and an idiot. Because he was on a motherfucking unicycle.

Therefore, he determined, an individual’s comedic ability is tied to his level of testosterone, and, since men have more testosterone than women, men make for better comedians than women. Or at least that’s how I understood his argument. In order to fully understand how he arrived at this conclusion, or the process through which testosterone actually becomes comedic ability, you’d probably be better off actually reading the guy’s study. I was pre-med in college, but I was out that week due to some complications with some malt liquor I had gotten a pretty good deal on at the gas station.

Essentially, this guy’s theory is that a man wields his comedy against another man in order to impress a woman. A woman has no such use for comedy, because she’s already got two things with which to impress a man: her right boob and her left one. Which would seem to make enough sense to me, in that a) I often find myself impressed with a woman’s cans (especially here in the Midwest – sheesh!); and b) it’s often occurred to me that there isn’t a good joke that isn’t somewhat hurtful in nature. I believe it was Alan Alda who once said, “Comedy equals tragedy plus time. If it bends, it’s funny. If it breaks, it’s not funny.”

And so it occurred to me: if we accept that this is true (and come on, this has to be true – it explains everything!), would it not seem reasonable to suspect that the reason – I think most reasonable people would agree – that there’s hardly any really good female rappers is the same reason there’s hardly any really good female comedians? This has to be the very same mechanism at play, right?

Compelling evidence that suggests this is true:

First of all, it’s one of the oldest cliches in the history of rock music – and, by extension, hip-hop – that the reason a guy starts a band is to get some stank on his hanglow. Even these assclowns from various shitholes in the South, who obviously view hip-hop as more of an entitlement program than an artform, you would have to think operate under this assumption at least in the sense that, why else would a man need a mouth full of gold teeth, if not to impress the kind of woman who would be impressed by a guy with a mouth full of gold teeth? (As Chris Rock once put it, if it wasn’t for a woman, a man could probably live in a cardboard box.)

Also, if you notice, the few female rappers who are pretty good (if not quite as good as a guy) are probably teh ghey. Not teh ghey in the sense that they often make music that makes baby Jesus cry, which they also are, but teh ghey in the sense that they live to go down on other women. Take for example Queen Latifah. You can find pictures all over the Internets of her out with her special friend[2]. It was revealed not too long ago that Remy Ma “ate the box” of some broad who struck me as even scarier than the girl who plays Snoop on the Wire. And just as recently as the other day, it was revealed that Lil’ Kim may have had relations with a female DJ out of Philadelphia by the name of Golden Girl.

Finally, a note about how it occurred to me to write about this just now:

Back when I came across the story on the BBC website, I was informed that Christopher Hitchens had done a story on more or less the same issue in Vanity Fair about a year ago. In this month’s issue of Vanity Fair, there’s a big cover story in which Alessandra Stanley, one of these MoDo-esque spinsters from the New York Times, offers a rebuttal. I didn’t bother to read it (mostly because I’m lazy like that – it’s why I work here), but I’ve heard it’s neither very funny (hmm…) nor particularly convincing. One thing I will say though is that I was taken aback by some of the photos of female comedians like Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig, and Maya Rudloph that accompany the feature. Especially Tina Fey. It seems like she’s only gotten hotter since she left SNL, which would seem weird in that she’s only gotten older since then and I believe she’s also had a baby. It just goes to show what having a shiteload of money can do for a woman.

Or maybe I just think that because she’s white. You guys know I’ve got my issues.

[1] Ladies, I’m not saying this is definitely true. Fat black women, for example, are know for their great personalities.

[2] Black people, don’t front. You probably had an aunt who used to bring her special friend over for Thanksgiving.

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