Why women can’t rap

I’ve had this pet theory now for several weeks that the reason women make for such miserable rappers is the same reason it’s often said that there’s no such thing as a woman with a good personality[1]. Namely, that women have no real biological use for being able to rap.

This occurred to me back in December, when I came across a story on the BBC website about how this doctor had conducted this study in order to prove once and for all that women don’t make for very good comedians. (If you feed on contentious gender issues as if they were crab leg night at a Chinese buffet like I do, you might recall that Jerry Lewis caused quite a stink back when I was in college, when he told an interviewer that he didn’t like any female comedians. Because female comedians aren’t funny).

In order to prove his theory, he would ride around on a unicycle for different groups of people and record their reactions to his routine by gender. As he found, women would typically give him encouraging comments (as if they were his mother or something), while guys would generally call him a fruit and an idiot. Because he was on a motherfucking unicycle.

Therefore, he determined, an individual’s comedic ability is tied to his level of testosterone, and, since men have more testosterone than women, men make for better comedians than women. Or at least that’s how I understood his argument. In order to fully understand how he arrived at this conclusion, or the process through which testosterone actually becomes comedic ability, you’d probably be better off actually reading the guy’s study. I was pre-med in college, but I was out that week due to some complications with some malt liquor I had gotten a pretty good deal on at the gas station.

Essentially, this guy’s theory is that a man wields his comedy against another man in order to impress a woman. A woman has no such use for comedy, because she’s already got two things with which to impress a man: her right boob and her left one. Which would seem to make enough sense to me, in that a) I often find myself impressed with a woman’s cans (especially here in the Midwest – sheesh!); and b) it’s often occurred to me that there isn’t a good joke that isn’t somewhat hurtful in nature. I believe it was Alan Alda who once said, “Comedy equals tragedy plus time. If it bends, it’s funny. If it breaks, it’s not funny.”

And so it occurred to me: if we accept that this is true (and come on, this has to be true – it explains everything!), would it not seem reasonable to suspect that the reason – I think most reasonable people would agree – that there’s hardly any really good female rappers is the same reason there’s hardly any really good female comedians? This has to be the very same mechanism at play, right?

Compelling evidence that suggests this is true:

First of all, it’s one of the oldest cliches in the history of rock music – and, by extension, hip-hop – that the reason a guy starts a band is to get some stank on his hanglow. Even these assclowns from various shitholes in the South, who obviously view hip-hop as more of an entitlement program than an artform, you would have to think operate under this assumption at least in the sense that, why else would a man need a mouth full of gold teeth, if not to impress the kind of woman who would be impressed by a guy with a mouth full of gold teeth? (As Chris Rock once put it, if it wasn’t for a woman, a man could probably live in a cardboard box.)

Also, if you notice, the few female rappers who are pretty good (if not quite as good as a guy) are probably teh ghey. Not teh ghey in the sense that they often make music that makes baby Jesus cry, which they also are, but teh ghey in the sense that they live to go down on other women. Take for example Queen Latifah. You can find pictures all over the Internets of her out with her special friend[2]. It was revealed not too long ago that Remy Ma “ate the box” of some broad who struck me as even scarier than the girl who plays Snoop on the Wire. And just as recently as the other day, it was revealed that Lil’ Kim may have had relations with a female DJ out of Philadelphia by the name of Golden Girl.

Finally, a note about how it occurred to me to write about this just now:

Back when I came across the story on the BBC website, I was informed that Christopher Hitchens had done a story on more or less the same issue in Vanity Fair about a year ago. In this month’s issue of Vanity Fair, there’s a big cover story in which Alessandra Stanley, one of these MoDo-esque spinsters from the New York Times, offers a rebuttal. I didn’t bother to read it (mostly because I’m lazy like that – it’s why I work here), but I’ve heard it’s neither very funny (hmm…) nor particularly convincing. One thing I will say though is that I was taken aback by some of the photos of female comedians like Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig, and Maya Rudloph that accompany the feature. Especially Tina Fey. It seems like she’s only gotten hotter since she left SNL, which would seem weird in that she’s only gotten older since then and I believe she’s also had a baby. It just goes to show what having a shiteload of money can do for a woman.

Or maybe I just think that because she’s white. You guys know I’ve got my issues.

[1] Ladies, I’m not saying this is definitely true. Fat black women, for example, are know for their great personalities.

[2] Black people, don’t front. You probably had an aunt who used to bring her special friend over for Thanksgiving.

  • N.O. in my viens

    hmm…i thought mc lyte was considered a good rapper…no?

    but other than that yea women suck at spittin

  • WhyteChokalate410

    yous a wild dude Bol. if it wasnt for your blogs my nights at work word be boring as fuck.

  • TheMailMan

    hmmm..I don’t know about this one.

    http://www.myspace.com/yelawolf

  • moresickaMC

    Bol hates women bcoz he never gets pussy

  • CHI-C

    Keep Up The Good Work

  • The Spaniard

    “i thought mc lyte was considered a good rapper”

    I thought MC Lyte was also considered a box muncher.

  • alleric 2 bullshyt

    that,s bullshyt fool!seem,s 2 me ur a hater. bytches kno dis mc lyte is the best female rapper past or present. u got garbage female,s an garbage azz male rappers all thruthe game real talk.

  • Maddolies

    Women Will neva be taken seriously in rap which is why they’ll neva succeed. The onli thng women can reali rap about is givin head Eg. Lil Kim, Trina.
    Otherwise thea jus a bunch of dikes eg. MC Lyte, Da Brat, Missy Elliot?

  • og bobby j

    the reason female rappers suck is because they only rap about deepthroating sprite cans or busting there guns….neither or which is overly believable.

  • Tyler

    Laugh out loud funny my dude. Even if it didn’t make a whole hell of alot of sense. U keep us laugh which dis-proves everything U were tryin’ 2 say because U are without a doubt a Funny Fat Women.

  • Butch

    Two words: Jean Grae.

    • Encyclopedia Black

      @Butch: co-sign

  • Jessica

    Great post like always Bol..you just proved why black men are better rappers and comedians than white men too…always thought that white men were more girly…

  • Ali

    come to think of it, women comedians really do suck balls lol….tha only topics they ever have is men, relationships, & sex lol shit got played out

  • Casey

    You fucking tards forgot Lauryn?

  • dj

    Fuck You. Trying to diss the south. Why don’t you go to the A and call niggaz assclowns in their face. You pussy ass nigga

  • Tre

    The South is exactly like he says it is. Stop getting upset with it; it’s true. And I live in the A currently, so don’t say it’s because I don’t know. Back to the topic..
    Idk if Jean Grae or Lauryn Hill are gay, but other than that, the good female rappers are gay or at least seem like it.

  • Fin

    I think most ppl would agree that MC Lyte and Da Brat have gay tendencies, if not full blown (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

  • http://www.thegraduates.ca yeah

    lauren hill was a great rapper

  • http://hiphoponmymind.blogspot.com DJ Daddy Mack

    GOOD POST BOL. 6 FOR 6.

    I PERSONALLY THINK THAT THERE ARE GOOD FEMALE RAPPERS OUT THERE. ITS JUST THAT CATS AINT TRYING TO HEAR DAT LIKE U BOL.

  • master cheef

    it is definitely true that women are not as funny as men but, there are a few exceptions. sarah silverman is motherfucking hilarious and i know 1 or 2 girls that are funny but, that is nothing compared to how many dudes i know that crack me the fuck up. NO HOMO

    • http://907hiphop.com Rocco907

      sarah silverman funny? you must be white…

  • C-Money

    How bout Lisa Lampenelli….that bitch is funny as fuck

    • Flymasta

      co-sign

      u seen the flavor flav roast she was hilarious

      plus i like mo’nique she’s funny

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    @ hoe g,yo homie 1 question how come everytime u post 9/10 time you talking bout suckin dick or somethin similar ? Is that whats hot in the streets? Is dick always gonna be on your mind ? startin to remind me of that fat kid from superbad,everywhere you go you see dick. eurohomo peckerwoods i just dont get it. and becuz u asked for it(no hmo). 6star general pussy at ease!

    • og bobby j

      9/10 times you post you speakin on me. 10/10 times you post your expose your bitch ass ways….. starting to remind me of my bitch. 9 cube admiral ass homo….

  • http://colby-sempek.com Ghost

    Two more words : Psalm One

    • http://www.myspace.com/sogentllc LowEndofDaChi

      Psalm One definitely eats the box.

  • geico lizard

    you are right about tina fey she isnt funny and she is the one who started this hillary clinton comeback because she hosted snl after the writers strike and she made it look like people were picking on hillary so she said its ok for women to vote for hillary just because she is a woman and that if you vote for obama and you are a woman you are just doing that because oprah told you to. so its ok to vote for hillary because she is a woman but not ok to vote for obama because he is black according to tina fey. you are right most straight girls dont have a good personality and most girls who have a lot of guy friends isnt because she has a good personality its because all those guys are trying to sleep with her and she loves the attention so she leads them all on but when they get a girlfriend she suddenly has drama because she isnt getting all of his attention anymore so now she doesnt want to be friends.

  • geico lizard

    your article got me thinking about the women who are sort of funny and i thought about wanda sykes because she used to write for the Chris rock show but she got divorced and the rumor was she was gay. so like you blog said the funny ones are teh ghey. sarah silverman is also everywhere just like tina fey but i havent heard any gay rumors about sarah but most of what sarah silverman says is really racist and the few funny things she says are usually written by her boyfriend jimmy kimmel. i forgot to say in that other one that hillary had lost 12 states in a row before tuesday so the media wasnt picking on her they were taking it easy on her because if that had been obama who lost 12 straight states they would have treated him like he was crazy like huckabee.

  • SurferDude

    Ey yo, I went to a comedy club yesterday, there were 8 performers, including 2 female. The dudes were funny, but the girls just flopped, it wasnt funny, they talked about sex and life in general, I dunno it wasnt funny.

    Females mcs are str8 up garbage, Lauryn Hill back in the day were pretty good, but now a days they all suck!!
    Kinda like southern rap…..

  • Maddolies

    Wow i almost 4got. An Exception 2 tha rule dat Onli Ghey women are funi is Ellen DeGenerous. I Find her 2 be the most annoying bitch on gods green earth. ANd i imagine shez dead in the bed wit both sides of the sexes.

  • boltfromthablue

    yeah its true woman just arent funny i always felt like that they just dont make me laugh like that,

    i guess thats why they place so much emphasis on a guy having a sense of humour when they talk about what they like in a man.

    ps. jean grae and lauryn can spit

  • I REIGN SUPREME

    Funny. Good post. Caught my attention. Keep up the good work Bol.

  • http://aquilogy.iblog.co.za D/L Mel

    2 More words: Jane Doe

  • http://rawkus.com Drew Ricketts

    All f*cked up and backwards. Maybe because of hate-mongering, race-baiting, misogynist posts like this one…maybe that’s why women aren’t even recognized as real talents in any male fields. Maybe. I’m starting to wonder if you have ever had sex with a woman, respected a woman, were born from a woman or plan to have a daughter. If the answer is no to these, then I guess the shock-writing can go on as deemed. For all your talk of “Tall Israeli” conspiracies and black women keeping the race down, you are certainly accepting a check to spread vicious stereotypes. I’m not even a humorless nig myself. I appreciate rousing commentary and irony just as much as the next guy but basing an entire blog on sexism and homophobia to appeal to potential teenage readers is just as immature as it is phony. To quote Mark Jackson: “You’re better than that.” Use your gift wisely my dude. You’re taking one of the most widely read hip-hop columns to disparage entire races and genders. In the name of free speech? …

    Sigh

    • I REIGN SUPREME

      Whoa, must have hit a button huh. I feel u, but I don’t feel you. Can I say that?! But on the real you made some valid points. But, there your opinion just like Bol is able to share his opinion. And I hate when people have this illusion that since you came from a woman you should respect a woman B.S. all woman are not the same like all mean are not the same, I judge on character not race or sex. Next!!!!!

    • You’ve Got A Point!

      He’s been doing the same thing for years on his own blogsite.

  • B Mo Careful

    I never looked at this that way Boi but you may or may not have a point there. But you know what they say their is an exception to every rule and I have 2 words for you:
    LAURYN HILL

  • http://www.myspace.com/labelmatesceo BIG O~

    You are a funny dud, but I concur on your findings. If you feel wronged do the math, but one day they will overcome and see the promise land that King spoke of (equality). The other day some guy wanted to step to my boi, but his girl knock the guy out to protect her man (she does have a little facial hair). Its coming

    Myspace.com/labelmatesceo

  • http://myspacewhore jononethaworld

    sorry didnt get to read the article……but i’ll give you one reason women cant rap….it’s because they cant read!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • dodger

    What the hell are you doing watching “Crimes and misdemeanors”? what you like woody allen or something? who pulls out an obscure, alan alda woody allen reference? DAMN BOL

  • whatever

    the reason women don’t make good rappers is because men are buffoons. they talk about sex, guns and cars and are not interested in anything dealing with intelligence. So if a woman wants to capture your attention she has to stoop to your level of thinking which f’s up her whole identity. How do you get a man’s attention, with boobs or science? I believe boobs win….everytime.

    even when your favorite rapper goes intelligent, the first thing you say is that he fell off.

    When the women stoop to your level, you buy her music but then brand her a hoe. sh1t even mc lyte didn’t get reals props until she had to get “Roughneck”…..c’mon now.

    I bet all you n1ggletts have lil kim’s hardcore(jerk off music) but how many have Lauryn. No seriously, I know you know the songs but how many of you bought it.

  • La Madrina

    These posts are fucking hilarious. Women aren’t accepted as funny because unfortunately, there is a huge double standard in the entertainment industry. Until recently it hasn’t been acceptable for women to work “blue” let alone admit that dick and fart jokes are funny (farting by the way, is always funny). Don’t blame my biology for not being funny, blame society for making it unacceptable for women enjoy and tell dirty jokes like everybody else.

  • yes ima bitch

    okay am i the only one who read this post and was like y is he on these niccas balls? tell me the truth would u rather listen to someone who is some shit like soiljah boy or would u rather listen to remy ma? and as for remy i dont even like the bitch. but i could put up with her ass instead of that yoooooooooou shit.

  • LC

    Again, you’re right

    Women rappers tend to forget that the largest rap audience – demographically – are males – no one, especially said males, wants to hear women rapping about how they want to be put in name brands or how guys have to serve them before they can hit that tenderloin

    While male rappers do rap about shit like name brands, fly cars and shit and get away with it – when a female does it, they come off as high maintenance – is it fair? no – it’s sexism and misogynism at it’s worse – but hey – whoever said rap was politically correct?

  • LC

    Again, you’re right

    Women rappers tend to forget that the largest rap audience – demographically – are males – no one, especially said males, wants to hear women rapping about how they want to be put in name brands or how guys have to serve them before they can hit that tenderloin

    While male rappers do rap about shit like name brands, fly cars and shit and get away with it – when a female does it, they come off as high maintenance – is it fair? no – it’s sexism and misogynism at it’s worse – but hey – whoever said rap was politically correct?

  • daz_oc

    yall niggas make it seem like east & west coast hip hop is all good. Yall got wack shit too. Im from the south but I aint gonna front we do got some wack shit………..*shakes head* alot of wack shit. but in all that wackness there is some great shit……….bitches

  • http://stretchforceone shaan psalms

    lyte ,latifah, brat, boss, lauren,kim (when BIG was penning for her) remy, rookie eve(first album only)salt n pepa,lady of rage,ladybug of digable planets, now taking sexual preferences out of the equation there has been credible female emcees throughout hip hop as well as comedy but women rappers always seem to run out of shit to say and they lack ability to look inward at themselfs and be self effacing which makes there music reppetittive so in a way i feel you but its not for lack of ability they just dont really know how to tap into content thats universally appealing.

  • laxman

    I don’t think gender (or testosterone level) has anything to do with quality or ability. But I do think it has a lot to do with the desire to pursue hip hop (or comedy) as a career.

    Women can be funny. They can also be good rappers. Even if they’re not gay. But straight women just aren’t as interested in it because there’s not a biological draw. If they are interested in it, they’re just as capable of doing well as guys are, but it just so happens that most of the ones who are interested are kinda gay.

  • http://none jazzy

    Black men the only group of men that put down they own women…fuckin idiots..no wonder the women gay.

  • http://www.positivecupid.com herperomance

    yeah its true woman just arent funny i always felt like that they just dont make me laugh like that. What makes me laugh most is blogs of at **** PositiveCupid.com **** , which has become the #1 dating&support community serving herpes, hpv, hiv or other STD people in the world. We worry for her very much.

  • yes ima bitch

    this conversation is old. and its getting no where. bitches now days are week yea. they are running outta stuff to say. but niggas are to. if i hear another snap record ima scream. and there are bitches that are funny. Monique, S’more. them bitches are funny.

  • Josh

    I don’t think Mystic is gay and her (only?) album was fire.

    http://still-legal.blogspot.com

  • zacreole

    Jean Grae is one of my fav MC’s, bar none.
    Lady Herawin from The Juggaknots is pretty dope too. Lauryn Hill was nice before she went lolo. The Conscious Daughters weren’t half bad. & let’s not forget Ladybug Mecca. Oh, yeah, Mystic was dope as hell too. Bahamadia. Shorty No Mas. & just for you Bol, Northern State & Luscious Jackson (lol).I’m sure there’s quite a few other non obvious or suspected strictly lesbian mc’s that actually have skills.

    I swear half of y’all are so corporate Clear Channell brainwashed that you are not qualified to speak on this real hip-hop music.

    & who gives a fuck if they’re gay or straight? Chances are they all bi & get down with dudes who don’t act like cretins. What guy don’t like a bi girl? & as I said before, who gives a fuck? When one of them comes out talkin’ about some girl on girl stuff y’all gon’ be fiendin’ to hear it anyway.

    Leave the ladies alone, it’s obvious you really don’t like them unless they’re white & gullible enough to fuck with you anyway!!! Sistas, keep doin ya thing. Bol just got mama issues, that’s why he don’t like Black women.

  • Toya

    I think there aren’t any good female rappers because of how cut throat the industry is. You can’t show waekness and you have to be bold enough to say and do whatever you like. Women just aren’t raised to be that ballsy. And if they are that way then the concern turns to “Are they too butch?” That whole rough fascade (of hip-hop) and the soft appeal (of being a woman) is pretty hard to balance. Plus there is no holds barred for men. They can say whatever they want (women, cash, cars, etc) while if a woman does that, they’re automatically considered a slut or a gold digger. Plus there’s the prereq that’s required for the job: a rap sheet.

    There are some female rappers that are good (Queen Latifah, MC Lyte, Da Brat, Missy Elliott) but for the most part, their efforts are pretty much the equivalent of amateur’s night compared to the boys. I think that’s why a lot of people believe hip-hop is a temporary genre of music.

  • http://www.myspace.com/rebelwithoutadoubt Bste92

    I believe that aspiring female emcee Big Nay is a true role model for the younger and older female generation. Some of you may already be familiar with her father, Nyoil, formely known as Fly Guy Kool Kim of The Umc’s, a group out of Staten Island,Ny that came to fame with the song “Blue Cheese”. Look up Big Nay on youtube, her song is called “Jammin on ya back”. I promise you guys will like it.

  • Anonymous

    I believe that aspiring female emcee Big Nay is a true role model for the younger and older female generation. Some of you may already be familiar with her father, Nyoil, formely known as Fly Guy Kool Kim of The Umc’s, a group out of Staten Island,Ny that came to fame with the song “Blue Cheese”. Look up Big Nay on youtube, her song is called “Jammin on ya back”. I promise you guys will like it.

  • Laura

    I can rap, and I’m a latina/german woman. Shut up. I’ve always been able to rap. I have good rhythm and I don’t sound like a sissy.