If the current financial status of the Jackson family teaches us one thing, it's that a woman is never truly broke, as long as she's got a functioning vagina. A man, on the other hand, could end up shit out of luck, regardless of how much money he may have once had, and also regardless of whether or not he's still capable of popping a rod[1]. If that's not proof that a man's lot in life is much worse than a woman's, I'm not sure what is.

There's a story in today's New York Post that runs down the Jackson family's current financial state of affairs. I copied and pasted the operative bit to my own site just now, but the gist of it is that the Jackson family is broke as fuck... except for the girls.

Janet Jackson has sold millions and millions of albums during the course of her career, and she hasn't had to pay millions and millions of dollars in hush money to the families of children she's molested over the years. (Lord knows she could have had her way with a young Bol, back in the early '90s, and I wouldn't have said shit!) So she's supposedly currently worth $150 million; and I don't particularly begrudge her that fact... except for the fact that she never could sing worth a shit, an almost certainly never would have become famous if it wasn't for the fact that she was related to Michael Jackson, and she had guys like Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis writing all of her hits for her.

But that's just me being a sexist. Never mind that.

As it turns out though, the rest of the women in the Jackson family aren't so bad off either. Mother Katherine, being the mother and all, lives in the family mansion, called Hayvenhurst, in Encino, California, which is owned by Michael. She's probably gonna be evicted once Jacko loses the place to creditors, but Janet has already bought her another mansion, in Las Vegas, for when that happens.

Presumably, they're gonna let patriarch Joe Jackson live there, since, if it wasn't for him, she would've just been some gimpy grocery store clerk and none of this would've ever happened, but who knows with these women. According to the story, Joe currently gets by by managing several girl groups out in Las Vegas, which I took to mean that he's involved in the pimp game out there. So I imagine this new place there would cut down on his commute quite a bit.

The oldest sister, Maureen aka Rebbie, married some guy she met in Gary, IN, 35 years ago, and he apparently ended up having a successful career in business. Otherwise, lord knows what she'd be up to at this point. She could probably head out to Vegas and work with her daddy - except for the fact that she's pushing 60. Similarly, Latoya Jackson, who's been on the outs with the rest of the family since the early '90s because she suggested that Jacko might have actually been guilty of molesting that boy, hooked up with a man who's said to be worth a shiteload of money.

The guys in the family, meanwhile, haven't been nearly as fortunate. I don't think I need to run down what's been going on with Michael since, like, the early 1990s. Of the rest of them, Poppa Joe might be best off, with his pimping career. Tito, who probably has the best name recognition of the non-Michael brothers (how could he not?), makes anywhere from $500 to $1500 a gig fronting what sounds like a wedding band. But the rest of the brothers are arguably even worse off than I am. Jermaine, Jackie and Randy all live at home with their mom, while Marlon lives in San Diego, where he stocks groceries at a supermarket called Vons.


The brothers are all pissed off at Michael, whom they blame for putting their various careers on hold. Supposedly, Michael signed them all to his own label back in the '80s, but then he wouldn't put any of their albums out, because he didn't want to compete with them. And over the years, he's refused to get back together with them so that they could get some of that tour money. They figured he might break them off, since they all showed up for court and vouched for him not being a pederast on cable news during this most recent molestation trial, but instead he skipped town for the Middle East as soon as he was acquitted.

I wonder though: If all three of the sisters are supposedly millionaires, how come the brothers all have to be hounding Michael for money? Latoya and Rebbie both made their money the old-fashioned way (for a woman), so there's probably no way they could cut anyone a check. Lord knows if I caught any wife of mine trying to cut a check to a 55 year-old man who still lives at home with her mom, I'd slap the shit out of her. But Janet's got $150 million. Certainly, she could afford to break her brothers off enough that they could at least get a place by themselves, like myself and my little brother.

If I were them, I'd steal some shit from her house and sell it on eBay on GP.

[1] Though with Viagra these days, pretty much any guy with a pulse is capable of popping a rod that's worthy of pr0n. No homo.