Another reason not to drive drunk

I was telling one of the 17 year-old kids at my job the other day (I know) about one of the times when I lost my car when I was in college.

I had been out sipping some of the pain go bye bye juice, and I don’t mean to suggest that I drove back home intoxicado, because a) drunk driving is wrong, and I don’t do things that are wrong; and b) even if I did, I wouldn’t want any kids thinking that shit’s ok, just because they’ve got skills like that.

But I somehow ended up in my car, drunk like a mofo, doing laps around the parking lot outside my dorm. I couldn’t find a parking spot, because I went to the kind of school that would just let problems pile up year after year, rather than actually try to find a solution – as long as no one had to balls to actually quit or anything, and hence cut off that tuition money.

And of course hardly anyone ever did. The thing about college is, they don’t actually tell you that, even if you graduate, you could end up just as shit out of luck as if you didn’t go in the first place. If I would have been aware of what my odds were, I might have just taken my chances.

It’s not like you need more than an 8th grade education to blog for one of these hip-hop websites.

But I digress. One of the problems was that there was never anywhere to park. Even though this school was way the fuck out in the middle of nothing but cornfields, it was like the stadium the Brooklyn Dodgers played in before they moved to LA – only the first few people who showed up could actually park their car. Everyone else was shit out of luck.

This night in particular, I ended up parking at the football stadium, which is kinda far from where I lived, but I was wasted. I figure at least I parked my shit in an actual parking space. How in the world I made it from there to my bed is beyond me, but I seem to have a knack for finding my way back to my bed – or at least some place nice and warm – when I’m deprived of some or most of my senses, due to inebriation.

It’s like, you wonder how an animal can survive in the wild when it’s like, 8 degrees out. I’ve got strong animal instincts like that when I’m wasted. If I was drunk enough, I could probably survive in the wild in the dead of winter like it was nothing. (One obvious downside is that sometimes when I’m wasted, I have to fight the urge to force a woman to have sex with me against her will. I seriously doubt the “laws of nature kicked in” defense would actually play in court.)

Fast forward to several days later. I needed to drive to Taco Bell to get some tacos. It probably wasn’t any further from where I lived than the football stadium, but how the fuck was I gonna look walking to Taco Bell. We just don’t do shit like that here in the Midwest. But then I realized I didn’t know where my car was. So I did what any reasonable person would do in that situation and just said fuck it.

And so it went, for like two weeks. I would need to go somewhere, and then I would realize, “Oh, that’s right, I got drunk and lost my car.” I only realized it was at the stadium one day when I absolutely needed to go to Wal-Mart. I was running out of deodorant, and I’m too big to be walking around without deodorant. People might think I was from Africa or something. (Er, like, recently from Africa.)

I was reminded of all this just now, when I came across the story of this guy Tank, who also had some issues trying to find his car, down in New Orleans during NBA All Star Weekend. His story may have actually ended worse than mine did. I was indisposed for quite some time, but at least I didn’t incur any physical harm.

Tank was wandering around in an alley after having left the House of Blues at about 1:30 in the morning. He claims the reason he couldn’t find his car was because he wasn’t familiar with New Orleans, being from LA and all, and I suppose it would be racist for me to suggest that the real reason he couldn’t find his car is because he was drunk off his ass. Probably on Hennessey.

So fine, the guy got lost. However, I could see why the cops would be concerned with people just wandering around the alleys down there. You could probably fuck around and get mugged by some sizzurp-addled Katrina victim. Also, based on what I know about New Orleans (i.e. the time I saw JFK as a child), I’d say there’s a lot of fags down there. A guy could walk into an alley healthy, and walk out with AIDS.

Therefore, if I got lost down there, I wouldn’t necessarily be upset to run into 5-0. But you know how it is when you’re black. The police treat you as if you’re some sort of criminal just because you’re wandering around an alley drunk at two o’clock in the morning. Pshaw!

So of course there ended up being an issue between Tank and the police. Supposedly, he had realized where his car was, but it was around the corner. Then, when he went to go around the corner, the cops were like, “No, you can’t go around that corner. You’re gonna have to go the other way.” But then Tank was like, “Why am I going all the way around the other way, when I could just go around this corner and be done with it?”

That’s probably where he fucked up. Even if he had a good point, and it sounds like he does, you know how cops are just people who are barely smart enough to graduate from high school, who live to wield their false sense of authority over people.

Next thing you know, they had him hemmed up against the wall, where they zapped his ass with a taser. Why in the world they would need to zap him with a taser when they already had him hemmed up against the wall is beyond me, but I’ve heard that the cops down there are especially brutal. Once they had him good and subdued, they took him to a hospital, where he was treated and then sent to jail, where he was charged with disturbing the peace, public drunkeness (I thought he was lost!), and resisting and obstructing an officer.

He was finally released, and he enlisted the services of a lawyer down there whose name sounds like it might be Creole or something. They released a statement which has been copied and pasted in full on a bunch of these hip-hop sites, which is where I read about this shit. They’ve yet to announce anything yet with regard to a lawsuit or anything, but here’s hoping they clean up.

  • Cass’

    You should voice yourself on what you think about those new canned coochies

    ———>

    http://www.nozomionline.com/entertainment/makeyourownvagina.html

  • Fernando

    Damn, poor Tank.

    I guess thats what he deserves for making such sh!tty R&B music.

  • wood grain grippa

    Bol what do you mean by Think Im from Africa?

    I’m not even mad. I’m just sorry that even though you have a college education. You don’t even know that everyone is decedent’s of Africa.

    I hope you mom knows better.

    • og bobby j

      not me…

      • wood grain grippa

        I see you one of those.

        and i mean do you think your ancestors just so happened to fall from the sky. Please.

        Rejection is a sign of acceptance.

        deep down you know the truth. even if it stinks. yeah i had times i knew the truth and still played dumb.

        cheers

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      I just meant that I don’t smell very good when I don’t wear deodorant.

  • wood grain grippa

    Bol what do you mean by Think Im from Africa?

    I’m not even mad. I’m just sorry that even though you have a college education. You don’t even know that everyone is decedent’s of Africa.

    I hope your mom knows better.

  • katrina

    I don’t think pigs need more than an 8th grade education. You shld apply. With your degree, ou cld be like, King Pig. Get wasted on American beer, taser niggas, conspire against rappers. At least you’d have dental and a good chance of bagging one of those sloppy drunk white broads…there are so many ways this idea can gain traction…

  • castro

    “Oh, that’s right, I got drunk and lost my car.”

    — I hate when that happens

  • http://www.freshfeature.com Fresh

    Bobby, everyone is descended from one man or woman. Take out your Crayola box and see how colors interact with one another.

    Muhfuckas should probably just stop drunkdriving, that seems reasonable.

    Tank, it seems caught a bad rap. Though he provoked the cops, I’m just gonna assume he was drunk off his ass, after you subdue someone no need for tasing. Everyone’s point in this story loses it’s legitimacy because everyone acted like an asshole.

    http://www.freshfeature.com

  • BossGame

    I wonder if he shit himself like that kid from nelly’s crew did last year…..LMAO

  • jake

    Going by the news lately (as all kinds of dumb motherfuckers love to do), this is the kind of shit that seems to happen in Louisiana. This wasn’t in New Orleans, but in Shreveport. An officer is accused of beating the hell out of a drunk woman because she was being loud. If you look at the tape, it’s obvious he did it. He was fired, but he should be prosecuted and put in jail as well. I feel bad for the woman and hope she will be OK soon and that the officer and others like him get what they deserve. If I do anything wrong I damn sure don’t want to be in Louisiana with a gang of these chickenshit type cops.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxgNKNEtk18

  • lil cza

    Straight 4rm London!!!!U dude U hav
    more thinking capacity unfluctuating
    as PAPOOSE!!ur both Virtuoso and I REALLY
    like ur work(nullus)

  • Pierzy

    Also, based on what I know about New Orleans (i.e. the time I saw JFK as a child), I’d say there’s a lot of fags down there. A guy could walk into an alley healthy, and walk out with AIDS.

    ^^^^^^^

    Nice work – one of your best lines evar!

  • K Kills

    Bol went to college?? back porch university isn’t a real school.

    • http://hiphoponmymind.blogspot.com DJ Daddy Mack

      LOL ETHERRRRRRRR

  • P-Matik

    Don’t fuck with N.O. cops. I mean, for real DONT FUCK WITH N.O. COPS.

  • Liam

    I once heard about a footballer that got so drunk that he wondered into some random lady’s home and then drank a bottle of sunscreen that was lying around before being arrested

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    i have lost my car as well. usually its when i leave it at a bar and cant remember which one it was the next day. hey bol, dont force yourself on women, okay? that shits fucked up. and that africa line is so wrong, yet so funny. no offense to any recently arrived africans of course.

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    “a drunk mu’fucka aint shit”.,a quote my OG’s would say when I was commin up.Damn now i have been purbed but i aint neva lost my whip.Ya’ll some drunk bastards

  • http://bella.kenyanblogger.com bella

    rotflmao! this is the funniest shit i have read in a minute!

    pamoja!!!

  • Cinsere

    “I would need to go somewhere, and then I would realize, “Oh, that’s right, I got drunk and lost my car.””

    LMAO!!!

  • EReal

    It’s not like you need more than an 8th grade education to blog for one of these hip-hop websites.
    ^^
    Damn Bol, why you takin shots at BXS for? lmao.

  • Ryan

    “Tank, it seems caught a bad rap.”

    Well when you make as many “bad raps” as he did, you have it coming to you.

  • moresickaMC

    I’d say there’s a lot of fags down there. A guy could walk into an alley healthy, and walk out with AIDS.
    ^^^
    lmao…u threw Africa and New orleans under the bus in one blog post. good stuff

  • Mean Greene

    “So fine, the guy got lost. However, I could see why the cops would be concerned with people just wandering around the alleys down there. You could probably fuck around and get mugged by some sizzurp-addled Katrina victim. Also, based on what I know about New Orleans (i.e. the time I saw JFK as a child), I’d say there’s a lot of fags down there. A guy could walk into an alley healthy, and walk out with AIDS.”

    Dude, a lot of your older posts used to miss the mark; but this was brilliant. Great post all around. You’ve earned a new fan this year.