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Obama rolling with ex-fruits

The title of this one is fairly self-explanatory. Barack Obama is going out on a gospel tour of South Carolina, the most important state in the union, and one of the performers he’s bringing along with him is Donnie McClurkin, the guy who did that song “We Stand Up.”

In case you’re like me and would rather be boiled in hot oil than have anything to do with religion, Donnie McClurkin claims he’s one of these ex-fruits who cured himself of his teh gheyness through the power of the lord.

Actually, I’m not sure to what extent he was really teh ghey or not, i.e. whether he was blowing guys and taking it up the coat and what have you. From what I understand, he was bufued by an uncle of his from the ages of 8 to 13, and he must have enjoyed it a bit more than he should have, which is to say not at all. (Natch!)

Then, for the next 20 years or so, he struggled with his desire to have a man’s schlong in his every orifice, until one day he was magically relieved of said desire through the power of religion. Again, I’m not sure if this means he stopped wanting it, or he just stopped doing it. My guess is the latter.

As R. Kelly once put it, his mind is telling him no, but his body is telling him yes! (If only we knew 15 years ago what R. Kelly was really talking about. Oh, who are we kidding. We probably would have bought that shit anyway. We’re forgiving like that.)

Of course the teh ghey community objects to the idea that you can somehow be “cured” of your teh gheyness, let alone the fact that he refers to homosexuality as a curse. But I do think it’s worth noting that a) we don’t know too much scientifically about what causes teh gheyness anyway, and b) no one can say for certain what’s really going in another man’s head. What if Donnie McClurkin really did somehow become straight? After all, plenty of people who were once straight have all of a sudden become teh ghey over the years.

At any rate, as stage managed as these elections are, you have to think that the Obama campaign knew that one of the acts he elected to go on tour with has had such a… um, sordid personal life. Presumably, he was hoping that this guy’s presence on the bill would help drive out the black homophobe vote, which, I think the ’04 presidential election proved, is fairly considerable, and that the teh ghey community wouldn’t raise much of a stink, since, after all, this is more of a race issue than a teh ghey-straight issue.

He was mistaken. Fruits on the Internets, who live to play the ol’ identity politics gotcha game, were all over this shit almost as soon as it was announced. In no time at all, there was a call for the Senator to cancel the tour and repudiate his associate with any and all black homophobes (read the black church.)

Ruh roh!

I mean, how in the fuck is a black man supposed to be elected World’s Greatest Grandpa, let alone President of the United States of America, without the support of the black church?

So the Obama campaign issued a statement (like, just now): He’s not gonna actually not go on tour with alleged ex-fruit (and fairly certain homophobe) Donnie McClurkin, but he would like to note that’s he’s against homophobia and in favor of equal rights for all people. In general, he tends to be in favor of things that are good and against things that are bad. In case you hadn’t already noticed.

It remains to be seen how the teh ghey community will react to this latest volley from the Senator. I mean, the guy did say teh ghey people are his brothers and sisters (just like black people!), and obviously he’s only doing this to appeal more to people who don’t know any better. Is it really all that different from any number of Democratic candidates who put on hunting gear and posed with shotguns to appeal to NRA-types?

Since there’s way more black people in this country than (obviously) teh ghey people, this might be a shrewd maneuver on Obama’s part, if it has the effect of shifting a significant number of black people over from Hillary Clinton’s column into his own. But my guess is that it won’t. Black people just love them some Hillary Clinton, and dancing around on stage with some closet case is probably not gonna change that. Either way, it’s too bad a candidate should have to resort to such measures.

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