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I am not my shoes

The other day, I had an issue with my shoes. Maybe you heard about it.

I had just gotten a pair of those $15 Stephon Marbury shoes, and I had my camera out because I’d been doing some important photojournalism at a Goo Goo Dolls concert, so I figured what the fuck. Why not take some pictures of my shoes and post them on the Internets as if I was Dallas Penn?

In addition to my new Stephon Marbury shoes, I’ve got a couple of pairs of shoes my mom copped for me for my 25th birthday, like a year and a half ago, on a twofer deal at one of those discount shoe outlets, as well as some other shoes I’ve copped more recently on clearance at Marshall’s – which is a good way to find shoes, by the way. All together, my shoe collection might not be worth $100.

Honestly, it hadn’t even occurred to me that I don’t even own any really expensive shoes until just now. I posted the pictures I’d taken of my shoes on my own site, and a lot of the bums who comment there were all like, Dude, those shits look busted, and, You need to step your shoe game up, and so on and so forth. As if it was some kind of goal of mine to impress people with the sum value of my shoe collection.

Here’s the thing: I’m working several jobs these days, a few of which actually pay money. If I wanted to, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal for me to go to the mall and cop an expensive pair of shoes. In fact, I started to go to a Foot Locker and cop whatever was the most expensive pair of shoes that they had just to prove a point – except then I’d be stuck with a ridonkulously expensive pair of shoes that I don’t need and could care less about.

Furthermore, the kinds of shoes you see jigs walking around in these days aren’t even that expensive, are they? Those Nike Dunks that DP seems to have so many pairs of are what, like $80 bucks a pair or something. I could cop a pair of them for every day of the week without having to sacrifice my penchant for expensive coffee drinks and burritos. (That’s right ladies, Bol has got it like that. He stays regular than a mofo, too!)

Unless you’re a fag, and hence just really into shoes like that, the best argument for keeping several pairs of clean and expensive shoes – and, indeed, the argument that came up most often on my own site – is that women like a man with a man with a pair of clean, expensive shoes. Which is actually, if you recall, the same argument quite a few of you tried to make in favor of owning a Robin Thicke CD. Hmm…

But when you think about it, why would I want to attract the kind of woman who’s turned on by a pair of shoes? If anything, those are the kinds of bitches I’d rather avoid, since they’re probably the most likely to have AIDS. And if I really wanted to put my life on the line like, I could just take a trip over to the East Side – in whatever kind of shoes I’d like, mind you – and bang some crack whore for a lot less, and then at least I’d be able to pocket the difference, in case I need it later on.

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