I found it rather curious when Jay-Z boycotted Louis Roderer’s Cristal brand champagne because I had never purchased a bottle nor had anyone that I knew. I may have spent forty bucks on a bottle of Perrier-Jouet to take to someone’s crib for a real special occasion, but there is no way in hell I was spending wild money on piss water. What do I know for that matter anyhoo? Cristal may just taste like a Catholic schoolgirl in knee high stockings. My aim when I enter a liquor store is to get fucked the fuck up on some shit, but also to keep my shit as Hip-Hop as possible. By that I mean I don’t get all redneck country western on a motherfucker. No whiskeys, even though shit like Maker’s Mark and the classic Jack Daniels will put you on your ass. I don’t fucks with scotch either. Who am I fooling? Scotch is for niggas that got they shit together. Mutual funds, mortgage refinancing and marriage.
Nope, when I go to the liquor store I likes to keep my shit Hip-Hop. That way if any little kid is in there playing the number for his granddaddy he can see the type of shit that you have to drink to keep it Hip-Hop. This is the most important thing to the youth today so here is my guide to getting twisted and keeping it real in the ‘hood.
Hennessy – I don’t care how much money you have on you, if you don’t copp no Hennessy you will never be a superstar rapper. Even if you have to buy the airline single shot bottle get that shit. If Tupac were alive today he wouldn’t just tell you buy Hennessy, he would tell you to bathe in it. No self-respecting emcee doesn’t have a Hennessy rhyme in their repetoire. A lot of people drink Hennessy before they go to work as bus drivers, deliverymen and teachers. How Hip-Hop is that? Very.
Grey Goose – If you want to keep your shit Hip-Hop but that brown liquor fucks you up too quick you should fucks with the Grey Goose vodka. You’ve seen rappers pour this stuff down whores backs and then drink it when it flows from they buttcrack. That shit is Hip-Hop. Give Dame Dash credit for making vodka into a Hip-Hop liquor. Where is Dame now? You think he still walks around with that bottle in his hand?
Cisco – There are a lot of bumwines that keep it Hip-Hop like Boone’s Farm and Mad Dog 20/20 but none of them will get you fucked the fuck up like Cisco will. That smooth inviting berry flavor leaves no hint to the madness and destruction that will follow later. I know people that have blacked out on their feet after drinking this shit only to get their bearing back several hours later in a police precinct with a shirt covered in blood. Two words for y’all. Hip-Hop.
Heinekin – Heinys are the classy, faggy Hip-Hop brew now that Pharell is doing commercials for them. They’re still the best way to chase your Hennessy down. The important thing to remember is that to keep your shit Hip-Hop you have to drink from a bottle. The keg can is for humps.
Olde English 800 – This malt liquor is the G.O.A.T. of Hip-Hop alcoholic beverages. Before the forty ounce it was all about tall cans and quarts. Who among you aspiring rappers is hardbody enough to handle the 64oz jug? Old Gold is what makes you Hip-Hop at every occasion, from house parties, to picnics, barbecues and baby showers. I guarantee you that your favorite rapper has a least one song dedicated to Old Easy.
So there you have it. Your cousin Billy Sunday’s list of Hip-Hop’s greatest alcoholic beverages. Practice these handy How-To-Be-Hip-Hop guides if you want to be a successful rapper with lots of ladies.